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HDD Goodie Bag: Your Horror Blu-rays For Halloween 2011

Mon Oct 31, 2011 at 02:35 PM ET
Tags: Halloween, M. Enois Duarte, Fun Stuff (all tags)

Just like we do every year around this time, High-Def Digest has scraped together another maggot-infested candy bowl of fun to help you prepare for Halloween!

What's in the Goodie Bag? --- Horror Blu-rays for the 2011 Halloween Season!

by M. Enois Duarte (The HDD Crypt Keeper)

Greetings, boils and ghouls! With the Hell-idays finally around the corner, High-Def Die-gest decided to resurrect another selection of gory treats to celebrate the feast-ivities. This year it seems, we've had more choices to dissect than last, but sadly, most the rotting cadavers on this year's slab leave much to be desired.

But never fear, kiddies, I've still managed to scrap up a terror list of putrid horror tales that are sure set the mood just right. The scary stories are separated into three stomach-churning categories and listed in alphabetical order. The queasy gathering is organ-ized according to each title delivering a spooky atmosphere, offering you creeps the best variety in scares and creepy laughter. So, without further ado . . .

Frights! Camera! Hack-tion!

 

MILD DECOMPOSITION

HALLOWEEN II

It may seem like an obvious choice, but at least it's one of the better ones from this year's list. The follow-up to the enormously influential slasher classic didn't quite live up to the expectations set by its predecessor, but it remains a fun little horror ditty that delivers the right Halloween spirit. It certainly gave those suffering from nosocomephobia (a fear of hospitals) more to fear with Michael Myers now being a scary threat to their health. Over the years, the movie has become a traditional watch in many a chilling household with the etched-in-your-mind music playing in the background, which itself has become a must-be-played-endlessly tune around this time of the year.

 

HALLOWEEN H2O

The brooding masked psychopath resurrects old wounds by once again chasing after the one who got away — the young, innocent Laurie Strode. Only this time, she's not so young or innocent, and she's definitely nobody's victim. The seventh installment to the original 'Halloween' series was twenty years in the making, but surprisingly worth the wait because it wisely ignores the events of all the other movies in the franchise. As a direct sequel to 'Halloween II,' the film returns to the storyline's roots and brings back the stalking creepiness of dark, menacing shadows the first feature is so eternally loved for. If for nothing else, it's cool to see Jamie Lee Curtis in the role that made her a star and fight back in a way that finally closes her chapter as the first "Scream Queen."

 

THE OTHERS

After the lucid dream-themed mystery, 'Abre los ojos,' brought him some well-deserved attention, Alejandro Amenábar continued his newfound worldwide popularity with this English-speaking spookfest. The Spanish director effectively delivers the spine-tingling chills as Nicole Kidman, playing a mother endlessly paranoid of sunlight, slowly unravels at the thought of living in a haunted mansion. Adding to the creepiness is the large manor continuously immersed in darkness and shadows due to her kids' rare condition of photosensitivity. With strange whispers and random noises heard throughout the house, 'The Others' is a hair-raisingly fun tale of the macabre with a not-so-original twist but still satisfying conclusion. It's also a total bargain on Blu-ray!

 

SCREAM

With the whole 'Halloween' theme we already have going here, why not also include another slasher flick that acknowledges and celebrates that film's indelible mark. From master of horror Wes Craven, 'Scream' made a mark of its own by becoming somewhat of a template for future self-aware, postmodern genre features. The scary parts are probably not as effective as they once were, but the movie remains an entertaining cerebral deconstruction of strict plot structure and convention, filled with laughs along the way. The franchise creator and still-attached screenwriter Kevin Williamson didn't do much else of note afterwards, including the three sequels which followed, but he's been fairly active nonetheless. Still, this movie seems likely the most memorable thing he's done, which isn't a bad thing. 'Scream' is a fun Halloween treat.

 

STRAW DOGS (1971)

It may not feature any undead monsters or unstoppable psychopaths, but Sam Peckinpah's revenge flick definitely belongs in this horror list. It's a masterful piece of suspense cinema that patiently and methodically builds to the point of boiling, generating a tense, visceral reaction that's scary on its own. It is utterly brilliant the way the director creates a frightening experience of apprehension and fear as we watch a couple be ruthlessly terrorized by a small band of local bullies. Tension grows from a feeling of helplessness and being an out-of-towner, mixed with some western motifs where Dustin Hoffman's character continues to his pursuit for civilized order amid the violence. 'Straw Dogs' is an excellent thriller for those looking for a different kind of scare.

 

 

Others Worthy of the Cleaver:
The Bad Seed (1956), Braindead (Dead Alive), Dead Heat, Deep Red, Diabolique, Dressed to Kill (1980), From Dusk Till Dawn, Hellbound: Hellraiser II, Horror Express, The House by the Cemetery, I Saw the Devil, Santa Sangre, Stake Land, Zombie

 

MOULDY AROUND THE CORNERS

BLACK DEATH

The beauty of Christopher Smith's horror mystery, 'Black Death' is its dark, creepy atmosphere that recalls Robin Hardy's classic thriller, 'The Wicker Man.' Set during one of the most devastating pandemics in human history, a small band of brave knights are on the hunt for a rumored necromancer living in a tiny village that has yet to be infected. Things really don't grow hairy until the men reach that rural community and discover what seems like a plague-free paradise. Unfortunately, spiritual beliefs clash and tensions rise, which is interestingly where much of the movie's suspense comes from. Eerily effective and intriguing, this is a fun flick to kick off the scariest season of the year, and best of all, the mystery surrounding this small town of weirdoes remains just that: a mystery.

 

INSIDIOUS

I am fully aware that several will not agree with this particular selection, and I also understand the reasons for not liking it. It's a haunted house/possession feature pretty much pieced together from other, mostly better such movies. Thing is that that's also precisely the point. Coming from the imagination of the people who gave horror fanatics 'Saw' and 'Paranormal Activity,' the film is a deliberate throwback and homage to those classics of the subgenre, and it does so in very entertaining fashion. With its disturbing, funhouse atmosphere and the engrossing, sinister sounds of ghostly figures all around, 'Insidious' generates the perfect, spine-chilling tone that will give viewers the shivers this season. It's an amusing self-aware creepfest for Halloween lovers.

 

LET ME IN

Another film that definitely divides moviegoers is this Americanized version of the Swedish vampire flick, which is already being hailed as a cult classic of the genre. The remake unfortunately doesn't appear to be as well received yet, but only time will tell. In all honesty, the film isn't quite a horror in the traditional sense as it does feel a bit more like a drama. But it is one of the darkest, eeriest and most atmospheric coming-of-age tales around. It also features some very grave and chilling performances from its two child leads, which is one of the major reasons for watching this in the first place. Chloë Moretz and Kodi Smit-McPhee successfully humanize two rather disturbing individuals with dark, twisted desires into beings that we can sympathize with.

 

POLTERGEIST II: THE OTHER SIDE

Since we're already covering other films with a ghostly haunting as the main attraction, let us continue the trend with Brian Gibson's entertaining follow-up to an 80s horror favorite. Though not as successful — or good, for that matter — as its predecessor, the sequel still offers some good atmosphere of the supernatural. Besides, the movie is best remembered as the thriller which introduced horror fanatics to Reverend Henry Kane, the unearthly and bloodcurdling cult leader dressed in black, looking like a physical manifestation of every child's nightmare. Then there's also Zelda Rubenstein as the wonderfully memorable psychic Tangina, and she's always cool to watch. Enjoy it with the original for a fun night of the paranormal.

 

THE WALKING DEAD

Granted, this is actually a television series, not a movie. But this is a damn fine television series, envisioning an apocalypse overrun by zombies. And zombies are always fun. Reanimated from the imagination of Frank Darabont, a rather well-respected filmmaker who loves adapting Stephen King stories, the show kicks off with a bang and runs in a frightened panic through the streets of Atlanta with both barrels loaded. But the real kicker, other than the continual display of zombie mayhem with lots of blood and gore, is the surprisingly engaging drama of the survivors. As tensions rise from within the ranks and strangers are forced to work together, each episode slowly intensifies their dilemma and ends with a great season closer that leaves viewers in anticipation for the show's return.

 

 

Others Worthy of the Cleaver:
Basket Case, Bereavement, Beyond the Darkness, The Cat O' Nine Tails, Dark Night of the Scarecrow, Daughters of Darkness, Deadgirl, Dementia 13, The Dorm that Dripped Blood, The Exterminator, Final Destination 2, Final Destination 3, The Frighteners, The Hills Have Eyes (1977) , Inferno, The Last House on the Left (1972) , The Last Exorcism, I Spit on Your Grave (1978, 2010), The Incredible Shrinking Man (1957), Maniac Cop, The Matrimony, The Nesting, A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge / A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors, Scream 2, Scream 4, Subspecies, Torso, Troll Hunter, Vanishing on 7th Street, The Ward, Zombie Holocaust

 

A FESTERING, PUTRID STENCH

DEVIL DOG: THE HOUND OF HELL

Far as I'm concerned, anything with Richard Crenna is an instant classic. Well, not really, but the man is a great actor and has been in a few great films. Unfortunately, 'Devil Dog' is not one of them. This made-for-television horror flop was an attempt to cash in on the popularity of the occult/possession subgenre seen in many big-screen pictures at the time. The creators also mixed the theme with elements of the "killer animal" premise made trendy by Spielberg's 'Jaws.' Sounds rather intriguing on paper, but what we actually get is a goofy, over-the-top tale that takes itself far too serious and becomes more laughable than scary. Honestly, it may be at the bottom of the list, but it should only be watched for nostalgic reasons as well as a good Halloween chuckle.

 

THE FINAL DESTINATION 3D

Continuing the badness is a film series I could have sworn was already on its last peg the moment the first movie ended. Sure, the sequel wasn't all terrible, but after the stupid god-awfulness of the third entry, I was sure Death would retire after dealing with all those pesky kids. But sorry, no. There's no pension anymore and retirement age has been upped, so Mr. Reaper is back in the grind, forced into doing a dull, menial job devising new and clever ways of personally hand-delivering Darwin Awards. Making matters worse, there've been cutbacks in this fourth installment by doing away with the always-awesome Tony Todd, making poor Grimie over here pick up the slack, creating shoddy hack jobs of elaborate kills. Oh, when will this recession end so that Death can do what he's best at?

 

MY SOUL TO TAKE

This year seems to belong to the heavily-influential Wes Craven with several of his horror movies hitting the Blu-ray format. And like any well-respected filmmaker who's been in the business for a very long time, he's amassed quite the collection, delivering some seriously dreadful flops along the way. 'My Soul to Take' is practically epic in its massive failure to scare, let alone entertain. This teen thriller is a sad, embarrassing stain to a wonderful career sprinkled with genre flicks that have over time become popular icons. The entire idea of a serial killer being reincarnated into the bodies of some kids born on the same day is rather dreadful and silly. If, however, you've never watched a horror movie before, the concept has potential and promise. So, enjoy it if you're desperate.

 

SEASON OF THE WITCH

When talking about bad movies, we simply have to squeeze in at least one Nicolas Cage movie somewhere in there. This year's hilarious — sorry, spooky horror tale is actually supposed to be a truly strange reworking of Ingmar Bergman's immortal classic 'The Seventh Seal.' That only should already stop most viewers and reconsider watching this drek. But with the fact that it stars the man with the best hairdos in the entire biz, curiosity compels us to watch this train wreck. And the crazy part is, 'Season of the Witch' is actually a side-splitting thrill ride. It completely fails to scare, but the movie has some slight entertainment value in its sheer badness. Oh, and Ron Perlman costars, surprisingly adding some good humor.

 

VAMP (1986)

Why not finish the list — which as always is only an opinionated suggestion, not an absolute — with at least one "so bad, it's good" entry. In 'Vamp,' what's not to love in a movie that prominently displays Grace Jones as its star attraction, dressed like she's joined the circus. Actually, as the vampire queen of an underground nightclub who owns a waterbed filled with blood, Jones is quite good in this strange horror comedy. It also stars that kid from 'My Bodyguard' and the guy who played the bully next to Robert Downey, Jr. in 'Weird Science' as two college guys on the hunt for a stripper. Imagine on your own how Jones fits in all this. Then imagine the gut-busting silliness of watching a tough street-gang made entirely of albinos. It's bad, but also amusing for a fun Halloween night.

 

 

Others Worthy of the Cleaver:
After Dark Horrorfest (anything), Children of the Corn: Genesis, Darkness Falls, Dead Cert, Embodiment of Evil, Hatchet II, The Haunting of Molly Hartley, Hellraiser: Hellworld, Monsters, Paranormal Activity 2, Piranha 3D, Priest 3D, Quarantine 2: Terminal, Red Riding Hood, Saw: The Final Chapter 3D, Scream 3, Stag Night, The Terror

 

WANTS FOR NEXT YEAR (Now, This is What I Can Sink My Teeth Into)

Here's hoping for the best and that studios will take note of what horror aficionados really hunger for and of what will truly please our insatiable appetites. Some of these are available on Blu-ray in other parts of the world, but they're on this list in hopes of one day receiving announcement of a North American release. Please share your own wish lists in the forum.

All the Boys Love Mandy Lane, Alone in the Dark (1982), The Beyond, The Birds, Black Sabbath, Blade, Blood and Black Lace, Bride of Frankenstein, The Brood, The Burning, Candyman, Cannibal Apocalypse, The Changeling, The Children (1980), Dellamore Dellamorte (Cemetery Man), Demons, Don't Look Now, Dracula (1931), Eden Lake, The Fog (1980), Frankenstein (1931), Freaks, From Beyond, The Funhouse, Ginger Snaps, The Haunting (1963), Hell Night, Horror of Dracula, The Howling, The Hunger, Idle Hands, Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1956), It's Alive (1974), Jaws, Jeepers Creepers, The Legend of Hell House, Martyrs, The Mask of Satan (Black Sunday), May, Night of the Living Dead (1968), Nightmare City, Nosferatu (1922), Nosferatu the Vampyre (1979), Oasis of the Zombies, Peeping Tom, Pet Sematary, Phantasm, Prom Night (1980), Re-Animator, Rear Window, The Ring, Rosemary's Baby, Scanners, The Serpent and the Rainbow, The Stepford Wives (1975), Shadow of the Vampire, Sleepaway Camp, A Tale of Two Sisters, The Tenant (1976), They Live, What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?, White Zombie, Zombie Lake.

 

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HDD Goodie Bag: Your Horror Blu-rays For Halloween 2010

Tue Oct 12, 2010 at 03:00 PM ET
Tags: M. Enois Duarte, Halloween (all tags)

In preparation for Halloween, High-Def Digest has scraped together a maggot-infested candy bowl of fun!

What's in the Goodie Bag? --- Horror Blu-rays for this Halloween Season!

by M. Enois Duarte (The HDD Crypt Keeper)

The Hell-idays are upon us once again, kiddies! That time of the year when we hang rotting cadavers by their lips and their hairs. The little monsters rise from their graves to haunt the streets in search of gory treats. It's no secret this is the season I cherish the most - what with the sights and sounds wringing in the New Year. I normally like to kick things off with a killer party, but this time around, I've had a few cut backs due to our economic dissection.

I tell ya, boils and ghouls, times are tough these days. I've even enforced some strenuous spending guts on my own crypt theater so as to make ends meat. But it doesn't seem nearly as bad as this year's horrid selection of putrid horror tales. Although we've seen more released this time around than last we met, the choices are rather slim pickings. Not exactly the sort to really deliver the frights and howls, with a chunk of the new stuff being the worst of the slab.

Nonetheless, High-Def Die-gest has invited your pal, the Crypt Keeper, to exorcise another terror list in order to celebrate the feast-ivities. While the spooky stories are separated into three stomach-churning categories and in alphabetical order, the queasy gathering is organ-ized according to each title's contribution to horror cinema - those which made a loud ruckus with a couple of personal favorites sprinkled on top, offering you creeps the best variety in scares and creepy laughter. So, without further ado . . .

Frights! Camera! Hack-tion!

 

MILD DECOMPOSITION (Grade A Top Choice Flesh)

ALIEN

Despite not being made available as a standalone release, this 1979 sci-fi classic deserves to be mentioned on its own as one of the greats of the genre. Other films had been released before with a similar blend of science fiction and horror, but nothing to the extent by which 'Alien' drew audiences in and produced such an instinctive fear of the dark. While moviegoers were still feeling the Force with them and desired to fight the Galactic Empire in a galaxy far, far away, this creature feature reminded Skywalker-wannabes that no one can hear you scream in outer space. Especially, when being chased by a drooling, hideous monster with acid for blood. With highly unusual and exotic art designs by H.R. Giger, Ridley Scott delivers a masterwork of haunting atmosphere and morbid suspense, energized by imagery and symbolism of sexuality and female empowerment.

 

EVIL DEAD

Making an impressive directorial debut, Sam Raimi tells this spooky, gory tale about what happens when young adults are left to their own vices. Apparently - and stupidly - they tend to mess around with a mysterious book that conjures malevolent demons to possess them. With a brilliant performance by Bruce Campbell as the lovable, pessimistic antihero, Ash Williams, this outrageous and macabre funhouse of graphic frenzy offers the perfect blend of slapstick comedy and a genuinely frightening experience. Not hindered by its limited budget, 'Evil Dead' is, simply put, a highly imaginative feature of blood-soaked brilliance that establishes ambiance before revealing the grisly details. It's a sure-fire way to fill this Halloween night with laughter and creepiness.

 

THE EXORCIST

For nearly 40 years, William Friedkin's 'The Exorcist' has terrorized households as quite possibly the most terrifying and disturbing thing ever conceived on celluloid. It truly is a testament to its immense power and mastery to scare audiences for so many decades without losing its edge. The film even today remains an urban myth and a rite of passage amongst young viewers and fledgling horror fans. The story about the exorcism of a little girl by two priests still stands as the only motion picture to cause such visceral and guttural hysterics from moviegoers. Of all the features on the list, 'The Exorcist' is the most frightening of them all and continues as the sole horror movie that still gives this genre aficionado the heebie-jeebies and the screaming meemies.

 

A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET (1984)

By the time Wes Craven jumped into the slasher craze of the early eighties, 'Halloween' and 'Friday the 13th' already had franchises going for themselves. The filmmaker smartly exploited the conventions of the genre and surprisingly turned them into something completely new and exciting with 'A Nightmare on Elm Street.' Craven's homicidal maniac can talk back and loves toying with his prey! Horribly disfigured and a victim of parent vigilantism, Freddy Krueger also invades the most intimate and private area of teenhood: our dreams. Wielding a glove with finger knives, Krueger not only runs after you while spewing his sadistic wisecracks, but this freaky-looking bugger comes with his own nursery rhyme. Today, the name has become synonymous with the horror genre.

 

PSYCHO

While the aforementioned 'The Exorcist' remains the most frightening film ever made, 'Psycho' will be forever remembered for altering the course of horror movies. Leave it to Alfred Hitchcock to create something with such indelible ramifications. The classic masterpiece has left such an immense impact that the maestro is now thought of as a brilliant director of the genre even though this is his first and arguably only "true" horror film. Previously, scary movies were about grotesque, fantastical creatures, but this complex psychological chiller brought the monsters closer to home. For the first time, audiences were met by a fiend, Norman Bates, who was courteous, friendly, the next-door neighbor you trusted and thought was innocent, until those final, shocking, crucial moments. Hitchcock's 'Psycho' is literally the mother (all pun intended) of the modern horror movie.

 

 

Others Worthy of the Cleaver:
Aliens, Antichrist, House (1977), Inferno (UK Import), Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978), Monster House 3D, Poltergeist, Pontypool (Import), REC (Import), REC 2 (Import), Return of the Living Dead, Se7en, Shutter Island, Suspiria (UK Import), Thirst (Import)

 

MOULDY AROUND THE CORNERS (It's Still Good, Just Pick Off the Maggots)

THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT

The horror convention of young, annoying people being slaughtered one by one is given a new twist by having those irritating kids record their own deaths. In search of the urban legend of the Blair Witch, three college friends take advantage of our suspension of disbelief and capture more chilling evidence of ghostly apparitions than in any episode of the 'Ghost Hunters.' I suppose it also adds a new twist to the saying "curiosity killed the cat." Or as is the case here, snooping around the woods without first learning how to read a map correctly will get you one of the creepiest time-outs around. Although not the first movie of its type - a faux documentary - the immense box-office success of 'The Blair Witch Project' is responsible for turning it into a popular trend and cementing the style into a new subgenre called "found-footage horror."

 

HIGH TENSION

When a prominent film critic basically summarizes a horror/splatter movie by quoting from philosopher Thomas Hobbes that it is "poor, nasty, brutish and short," you know you're in for something special. That is, as long as "special" means brutally shocking and unnervingly gory. With special effects from celebrated make-up artist Giannetto De Rossi, French director Alexandre Aja made a name for himself in this twisted tale of sadistic romance about two college friends on vacation who are chased by a vicious psychopath. Where the 'Hostel' and 'Saw' films failed, 'High Tension' succeeds by providing gorehounds with a simple but very important concept: a story. If the night calls for something to cringe at and jolt the senses, then this special platter of splatter makes for good date night entertainment.

 

I SELL THE DEAD

This hilarious little gem has gone almost completely unnoticed by the mainstream public, which is a downright shame. The story about a bumbling pair of Victorian grave robbers is the perfect blend of side-splitting, slapstick humor and macabre, spine-chilling atmosphere. Irish director Glenn McQuaid makes an impressive and wonderfully stylish directorial debut with an absurd period tale about making a living desecrating graves. Starring Dominic Monaghan and Ron Perlman, this bizarre, offbeat comedy delivers equal amounts of silly laughter along with the eerie, hair-raising spookiness. The quirky independent film features a colorful array of ghouls and monstrosities, from vampires, zombies, the supernatural, black magic, beheadings, and even extraterrestrials! Watch it with your loved one!

 

PARANORMAL ACTIVITY

Of all the movies since 'Blair Witch' launched the "found-footage" subgenre, 'Paranormal Activity' has really been the only one to come close to repeating its predecessor's success. Personally, I much prefer 'REC,' its sequel, and 'Cloverfield,' but this low-budget sleeper took the nation by storm with endless viral hype and word of mouth. In fact, all the brouhaha surrounding the demonic haunting of a young couple's home became part of the event in itself. Even more surprising is that the movie turning out to be somewhat creepily entertaining, even more so than a story about a witch in the woods. It's a fun and freaky supernatural flick which builds tension with setting and situation rather than special effects, effective because of everything we don't see. Scary enough to scare Spielberg (Google it!).

 

ZOMBIELAND

Even in these hard economic times, someone will always find ways to make a killing on the unfortunate. During a zombie apocalypse, what better way to relieve the stress of survival and forget the panic of being eaten alive by a horde of the undead than by visiting an amusement park called 'Zombieland.' There are emotionally distraught cowboys named Woody, pathetically insecure College virgins from Columbus, Ohio, and two con-artist sisters that might as well be conjoined at the hips. The comical thrill rides include carnival shooting games, demented clowns, and a special appearance by legendary performance artist Bill Murray. The list of rules and guidelines for staying alive in the theme park are long and rather strictly enforced, but it's all in the name of providing only the best form of fun and enjoyment for the whole family.

 

 

Others Worthy of the Cleaver:
The Amityville Horror (2005), Babysitter Wanted, City of the Living Dead, The Crazies (2010), Daybreakers, Dead Snow, Evil Aliens, Feast, Hatchet, Kalifornia, Maniac (1980), Pandorum, The Prowler, The Stepfather (1987)

 

A FESTERING, PUTRID STENCH
(It's Okay, Just Keep Telling Yourself "It isn't real, it isn't real")

30 DAYS OF NIGHT: DARK DAYS

Oh, dear GAWD!! The mere thought of having to sit through this idiotic mess once more is enough to induce nightmares and panic attacks. As a survivor of the massacre in Alaska, Stella goes all Val Helsing on bloodsuckers. In Los Angeles, she earns the opportunity to work with a small ragged group of vampire hunters and destroy the Queen Bee, Lilith. Unfortunately, standing in their way is a host of bad acting, lame set designs, a floundering script with insufferable dialogue, and some of the most dreadfully amateur direction this side of 'Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus.' But even that Syfy debacle had better production values than this offensive atrocity. At one point, I half expected Wesley Snipes to walk into the picture, armed only with a pair of sunglasses and his kick-ass martial arts. 'Twilight' makes 'Dark Days' look like a high school drama club production.

 

HALLOWEEN II (2009)

Sorry, to disappoint, but being a rock star with an extensive horror library does not a talented filmmaker make. And in the case of Rob Zombie, you're a stale and trite hack with too much gory money and little appreciation for what really makes a movie scary - or entertaining. Here's the premise to 'Halloween II,' which pretty much is the same in all his movies: let's steal ideas from other features, throw a bunch of blood and guts at the camera so as to think we're edgy and controversial, and put hillbillies in the lead and make it as terrifying as a toenail clipping flying into your eyeball. And then, and then, to make the movie really bad, let's put Sheri Moon in a speaking role. Oh, oh, and to top it all off, we'll psychoanalyze to death a horror icon by giving him mommy issues and completely destroy the 'Halloween' mythos by making the heroine into an utterly annoying and despicable character. Yeah!

 

JENNIFER'S BODY

Speaking of talentless hacks, Diablo Cody is showing signs of being the next M. Night Shyamalan - a one-hit wonder. For her second major Hollywood feature, Cody takes a stab at the popular girl in school by singling her out as the demon she truly is - a brainless, artificial, materialistic, heartless bitch with a really, really big mouth. It makes sense then that Megan Fox is perfect for the role. In another attempt to seem culturally relevant, the stripper-turned-writer infuses the entire picture with her own blend of nonsensical teen speak and adds an identity crisis since it can't decide if it's a horror or a comedy. It aspires for B-movie status with smarts, but true genre aficionados know there is nothing new about 'Jennifer's Body.' Unfortunately, the flick is too shallow to ever be taken serious and will never attain the cult status it so desperately begs to attain.

 

A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET (2010)

Another rehash from Michael Bay's Platinum Dunes is proof positive that looks are not enough to make a good scary movie. Samuel Bayer makes his feature-length debut in this reimagining of a beloved genre icon, and he's the movie's best feature, providing an otherwise bland production with a sinister tone and quality. Although Jackie Earle Haley deserves some credit for attempting a role unquestionably meant only for Robert Englund, this Freddy Krueger is better to lull you to sleep than induce horrific nightmares. And the attempt also at making the maniac with finger-knives look like a true burn victim fails to draw some scares. In a film about disturbing dreams that kill, reality seems like the last thing we would need. But with such a terrible cast of actors in the forefront, perhaps inducing comas is the filmmaker's point.

 

TROLL 2

To be perfectly honest, 'Troll 2' is on the list mostly for shits and giggles, and it should be watched precisely for that. The independently-financed horror dreck was mostly ignored during its theatrical run and almost immediately received cult status for its sheer awfulness. The flick is known for not featuring a single troll or even being remotely related to its predecessor, despite what its title may indicate. It has since grown in popularity for its terribleness, but most of the attention is due to the movie's child star directing a documentary about its devoted following called 'Best Worst Movie.' Personally, there are way worse things to watch, like 'The Thing with Two Heads' or 'The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies' (now, that's a good bad movie!), but 'Troll 2' is still all kinds of awful stinkiness and great for a Halloween laugh.

 

 

Others Worthy of the Cleaver:
Black Christmas (2006), Cabin Fever, The Final Destination 3-D, The Howling Trilogy, The Human Centipede, Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer, Legion, Open Water/Open Water 2, Pulse, Sorority Row (2009), The Stepfather (2009), Survival of the Dead

 

WANTS FOR NEXT YEAR (Now, This is What I Can Sink My Teeth Into)

The list may look a bit daunting and comprehensive (this is actually the short version!!), but this past year saw quite an abundance of scary movies released in high definition. So, here's hoping for the best and that studios will take note of what horror aficionados really hunger for and of what will truly please our insatiable appetites. Some of these are available on Blu-ray in other parts of the world. But since they're region locked, this list is offered in hopes of one day receiving announcement of a North American release. Please share your own wish lists in our forums.

All the Boys Love Mandy Lane, Alone in the Dark (1982), The Beyond, The Birds, Black Sabbath, Blade, Blood and Black Lace, Braindead (Dead Alive), Bride of Frankenstein, The Brood, The Burning, Candyman, Cannibal Apocalypse, The Changeling, The Children (1980), Dellamore Dellamorte (Cemetery Man), Dementia 13, Demons, Les Diabolique, Don't Look Now, Dracula (1931), Dressed to Kill (1980), Eden Lake, The Fog (1980), Frankenstein (1931), Freaks, Fright Night, From Beyond, The Funhouse, Ginger Snaps, The Haunting (1963), Hell Night, Horror of Dracula, The Howling, The Hunger, Idle Hands, Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1956), It's Alive (1974), Jaws, Jeepers Creepers, The Legend of Hell House, Martyrs, The Mask of Satan (Black Sunday), May, Night of the Living Dead (1968), Nightmare City, Nosferatu (1922), Nosferatu the Vampyre (1979), Oasis of the Zombies, Peeping Tom, Pet Sematary, Phantasm, Prom Night (1980), Re-Animator, Rear Window, The Ring, Rosemary's Baby, Scanners, Scream, The Serpent and the Rainbow, The Stepford Wives (1975), Shadow of the Vampire, Sleepaway Camp, A Tale of Two Sisters, The Tenant, They Live, What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?, Zombi 2 White Zombie, Zombie Lake.

THE LEFTOVERS (just because they didn't make it to the main course, doesn't mean they can't be enjoyed still)

2001 Maniacs, The Collector, The Crazies (1973), Dreamscape, The Eclipse, Forbidden World, The Fourth Kind, Frozen, Galaxy of Terror, The Girl Next Door (2007), The House of the Devil, Humanoids from the Deep, Jacob's Ladder, Piranha (1978), Puppet Master, The Relic, The Skeleton Key, Thir13en Ghosts/House of Wax, The Toolbox Murders (1978)

AND OTHER UNMENTIONABLES

Abandoned, After.Life, The Alphabet Killer, Dark Nature, Don't Look Up, Freeway Killer, The Killing Room, Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, Parasomnia, Red Dragon, Triangle, Uncle Sam, Vampyres, Wolf Creek

Please note the following titles are set for release after the publication of this list and we eagerly await their arrival:

Altitude, And Soon the Darkness, Children of the Corn (2009), Cronos, Crowley, Damned by Dawn, Daughters of Darkness, The Disappearance of Alice Creed, Fingerprints, Ghost Machine, It Waits, Lost Boys: The Thirst, Mega Piranha, Mirrors 2, Night of the Demons (2009), S&Man, Staunton Hill, Tremors, Prey, Vampire Circus.

 

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