Weekend Movies: This Is Seriously All You’ve Got, Hollywood?

As I bemoaned last week (and the week before that), we’re in the dog days of winter. That means the interesting movies at your local cinematorium are going to be few and far between. This weekend is no different, with a pair of studio movies that will quickly be relegated to the bottom shelf of your local video sto… errr… Netflix queue.

The biggest release this week is probably ‘Sanctum‘, which has the deathly “-um” suffix that usually dooms movies. (‘The ImaginariUM of Dr. Parnassus‘, ‘Mr. MegoriUM’s Wonder EmporiUM‘. I had some other examples when I had this thought the other day. Help me out in the comments!) But this one has the added weight of being produced by James Cameron, and being realized in his favorite thing on Earth (or Pandora) – 3D!

The film is based on a near-death experience that the co-writer had while he was leading a group through a series of underwater caves. This is a pretty harrowing conceit (as I’m sure the co-writer would agree), and has the potential for great drama. However, the movie is anchored by a couple of “Oh, that guy” actors: Ioan Gruffold and Richard Roxburgh. Most people probably think they’re the same person (until this movie blows their minds!). It’s also burdened by the routinely stupid, gimmicky nature of 3D.

At least this was actually shot in 3D. At the very least, it can’t be any more boring than Werner Herzog’s upcoming 3D documentary ‘Cave of Forgotten Dreams’. Whew, that thing put me into my own personal cave of forgotten dreams.

The only other major release opening this weekend is Sony Screen Gems’ ‘The Roommate‘, a movie I first heard about at last year’s New York Comic-Con. It got cat-calls from the geeky audience! It looks like a loose remake of ‘Single White Female’. Which of course it isn’t, really, but still… Two roommates who look EXACTLY THE SAME at the beginning of the movie (Minka Kelly and Leighton Meester) get all stalker-y and too-close-for comfort. Umm… ‘Black Swan’ is still in the theaters. Just watch that instead and leave this for six months from now, when you’re flipping through the pay movie channels and come across it. Piqued by the possibility of a lesbian tryst and/or some bitchy, ‘Showgirls‘-type melodrama, you’ll pause just long enough to realize that the film is PG-13 and not even worth the couple of hours you spend cleaning your apartment.

There are a couple of semi-interesting things coming out next week. Until then, just stay warm!


        • I saw a trailer for the cheesy John Cusack thriller ‘Identity’ immediately before ‘Adaptation’ in the theater. One of the characters in Adaptation is an aspiring screenwriter working on a crappy thriller called “The Three” that looks EXACTLY like Identity. I was certain the trailer must have been an elaborate hoax.

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