Weekend Roundtable: Invent a Transformer

This week’s ‘Age of Extinction’ may be the fourth entry in the blockbuster ‘Transformers’ franchise, but it certainly won’t be the last. Before Michael Bay gets to work on his next robot-on-robot slugfest, let’s offer the director some suggestions for new characters that should join the ‘Transformers’ roster.

M. Enois Duarte

Inspired by the positive reaction (of a very, very small minority) to Skids and Mudflap in ‘Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen’, Michael Bay decides to include all ethnic stereotypes in his vision of a Cybertronian universe. For the fifth installment, he will create a robot that can transform into a full-service taco truck with short brown people who can barely speak English working the grill, which can actually serve real food. Genuine tacos de lengua (beef tongue)! Scrumptious!

Possible names Bay is considering: “SpicNic,” “Nethead,” “Hispandex,” “Sanchez” and “Bean Bandit.” The director is asking his fans to vote on which they like best. My vote goes the last one!

Brian Hoss

Meet Oculux, who can transform into a VR headset and is introduced to the public by a Mark Zuckerberg stand-in. This being a Michael Bay ‘Transformers’ character, Oculux will be voiced by an even more unintelligible version of Jar-Jar Binks. Expect several scenes of Oculus trying to attach to various human faces in an increasingly uncomfortable manner until he gets stepped on by Bumblebee, kicking off an hour of explosions and quick shots of indistinguishable Transformers fighting.

Luke Hickman

“Cornballer” is an extremely unique Decepticon who used to be a deep fryer with the specific purpose of sizzling balls of sugary cornmeal into greasy treats. In the first ‘Transformers’, Sam Witwicky dropped the All Spark in a department store, which gave extraterrestrial shape-shifting life to Cornballer. However, he was not given agency to choose whether to be an Autobot or a Decepticon. Cornballer was forced to side with the Decepticons because of his deceptive nature. You see, this seemingly harmless snack maker burns everyone who tries to use it.

Naturally, Michael Bay added Cornballer to ‘T4’ without knowing that it was an ‘Arrested Development’ reference. Bay added him simply because the word “ball” appeared in the name, and that made him chuckle.

Adam Tyner (DVDTalk)

I don’t have a snazzy name for the Transformer I’m dreaming up, so let’s give it a codename in the meantime: “Alice.” What’s the point of Alice transforming into a car, a plane or heavy machinery you really shouldn’t operate while taking Nyquil? Been there, done that.

No, Project Alice can transform into what looks like a teenaged foreign exchange student from Brazil: her lithe form so firm, so nicely rounded in places men like. In addition to bearing such prominent features oriented towards mammalian reproduction, Project Alice would be so convincingly human in appearance that she could infiltrate society on any level. A politician holding high office? A military leader with his/her finger on the button? Nah, let’s make her a college student, maybe even giving her a fake identity, enrolling her in college, and signing her up for the same classes as her intended target in case the returning Sam Witwicky were ever of any significance going forward. We could even have Project Alice make out with the guy before trying to execute him because that’d be way easier than just blowing up his house or whatever. Decepticons usually wield laser cannons and stuff, but maybe Alice can have an enormous metal tongue to strangle her prey instead!

Oh, wait! Never mind. Michael Bay already beat me to that. I don’t know, how about Scrotatron, who can disguise himself as a human scrotum? I bet Bay can milk a few laughs outta that one.

Josh Zyber

This is a Michael Bay movie, right? The obvious answer here is to create a new character called “Kaboom.” He’s a robot that transforms directly into an explosion!

Kaboom’s robot designation will be Suicide Bomber. Except that, every time he explodes, all of his pieces magically get sucked right back together to form the robot again… so that he can explode again!

No, that doesn’t make any sense at all, but since when is making sense a requirement for Michael Bay? Robots are awesome! Explosions are awesome! Ipso facto, a robot that transforms into an explosion would be doubly awesome!

Kaboom!

KABOOM! KABOOM!! KABOOM!!!

I bet you have better ideas than these. Pitch us your ideas for new Transformers in the Comments.

3 comments

  1. Mac Daddy: A ’74 Cadillac Deville that looks like a pimp. Snoop dogg will voice it. He will be accompanied by two hoebots ( kind of like the generic villain deceptions but female)
    There will be a great little segment that runs about 20 minutes in which Skids and Mudflap owe him money.
    Cumdumpster: a pink radio controlled corvette that will date the blue rc truck. (wheelie i think) She will have a thick Long Island accent with a real pitchy voice and they will fight constantly through the movie. HILARIOUS!!

  2. Chameleon – Just like in nature, this Transformer can alter its colors to match the surroundings, making it extremely hard to see. Watch out for its signature moves – Tail Whip and somersault. Chameleon can transform end over end and roll (picture a cheese wheel rolling down a hill) at a very devastating velocity.

  3. shawn

    Chinacon transforms into a giant chinese flag that drifts in the air and wraps itself around an enemy to teach it all the glories of China. Michael Bay denied that this was another blatant attempt to make more money in China.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.