Weekend Movies: Men in Armor Meet Men in Drag

I love watching bad movies tank at the box office. Unfortunately, even the worst of Adam Sandler’s movies still typically gross more than $100 million, so I probably won’t get to laugh at him come Monday. But I’m pretty sure I’ll be chuckling when the numbers for ‘Immortals‘ role in on Sunday afternoon.

Ever since Vinnie Chase did it on ‘Entourage‘, I love watching actors bash the bad movies they’ve filmed. A few months back, Mickey Rourke was quoted calling ‘Immortals“shit.” I could have told you that from the preview, but it’s funnier coming from his mouth.

The trailers for ‘Immortals’ not only look like a direct rip-off of ‘300‘, but make a point to blast that the film is “from the people who gave you 300.” Every single ad tries to bank off Zack Snyder’s hit, so much so that I’ve met several different people who mistakenly believe (due to the ads) that it’s actually a sequel to ‘300’. Boy, are they going to be disappointed.

Speaking of disappointment, what the hell happened to Adam Sandler? Remember when he used to make movies that were actually funny? Why is he going down the gender-bending road of Martin Lawrence and Tyler Perry? He’s better than that… Well, he used to be. In ‘Jack and Jill‘, Sandler plays both a brother and sister who are forced together over the holidays. This movie is complete shit.

Clint Eastwood tries to win Oscar gold again this year with ‘J. Edgar‘, a bio-pic about J. Edgar Hoover’s creation of the F.B.I., his role in finding the Lindberg baby, and the speculation that he was gay. Written by ‘Milk‘ scribe Dustin Lance Black, ‘J. Edgar’ had the potential to be great – but as directed by Eastwood, it comes across bland and boring instead.

Another Warner Herzog documentary hits the theaters this weekend. ‘Into the Abyss‘ features interviews with Michael James Perry, a Texas inmate sentenced to death after allegedly gunning down a nurse and stealing her Camaro. From Day One of his arrest, Perry claimed to be innocent, yet was put to death on July 1, 2010. Knowing Herzog, this intimate in-depth look at murder and capital punishment ought to be worth checking out. [Ed. Note: This movie is depressing, but really terrific. -JZ]

Cannes contender ‘Melancholia‘ finally hits U.S. theaters this weekend. Director Lars von Trier may have hurt his box office potential with some obnoxious remarks about sympathizing with Nazis that he made at the film’s premiere earlier this year. Told in an artistic and semi-pretentious manner, ‘Melancholia’ tells the story of two sisters who battle with hereditary depression, and how each is affected by the impending apocalyptic threat of a rogue planet headed on a collision course with Earth. The movie may not be for everyone, but I liked it a lot.

Finally, ‘London Boulevard‘ makes its way to the U.S. as well. Written and directed by the Oscar-winner writer of ‘The Departed‘, the film stars Colin Farrell as an ex-con who’s hired as the bodyguard for a popular actress (Keira Knightley). Trouble brews when the two fall in love. It sounds like ‘The Bodyguard’ through the eyes of Guy Ritchie, which might make it worth checking out.

5 comments

  1. JM

    I guess “From The Director Of ‘The Fall'” doesn’t sell as well.

    As a fan of Tarsem Singh from ‘The Cell,’ ‘Immortals’ is one of my most anticipated films of the year.

    Since it only needs to gross $100M in theaters to break even, and it’s launching worldwide, it will most likely be profitable within a month.

    What surprised me, in my research, is that Mr. Singh is currently working on the more promising of the two competing ‘Snow White’ movies.

    • I saw ‘Immortals’ last night. As much as you like Tarsem, you’re going to laugh through this movie. It’s bad. Really bad. A product of low budget. You really will laugh through it. At the terrible helmets and hats, at the awful dialog, at the Nerf body armor, at the over acting, at EVERYTHING. Heaven help us because Henry Cavill’s atrocious “acting” is going to kill ‘The Man of Steel.’

      • JM

        “‘Immortals’ is without doubt the best-looking awful movie you will ever see.” – Roger Ebert

        I figure it’s ‘Twilight’ for boys.

        I recently watched ‘Conan the Barbarian’ (’82), for the first time, because of the blu-ray review. I found that laughable and painful to endure.

        I enjoyed ‘300’ because I like Gerard Butler in leather panties and Lena Headey naked.

        Even ‘Spartacus’ had enough blood, tits, and cock to keep me engaged.

        I guess I’ll netflix ‘Immortals’ with my expectations as low as possible, and thieve as much enjoyment as the imagery will allow.

        Tarsem Singh, to me, is like a trip to the art gallery.

  2. Yeah, I just saw J Edgar. My friend and I wanted to get out of the house and see a movie, looked through what was playing at the local theater, and this was the only movie that sounded interesting. Should have read the reviews first. Boring, bad makeup, and up until the gay-kiss scene, I was wondering why the movie was rated R and not PG. After that, they threw in a couple of badly placed cuss words (I might have even been okay with that if they weren’t so badly placed in the dialog).

    The movie wasn’t shocking, it wasn’t bold, was not even well acted or directed. It was just boring.

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