From the totals in the Clark Kent Playoff, it looks like strapping, six-pack sporting Tom Welling will move into the tournament to face off against Tommy Gavin from ‘Rescue Me’. Today, we have our first real, first-round battles.
In the LED Bracket, we start out with the Hurricane Spencer versus Annie Walker matchup. I was so proud of myself for finding a way to incorporate Hulk Hogan into the tournament, and I’m dying to see how he does. For the other matchup, we’ll head down to the CRT Bracket to check out a couple of heavyweights, as Kwai Chang Caine from ‘Kung Fu’ takes on the world’s most famous serial killer, Dexter.
This is our very first matchup, and honestly, it’s anyone’s game. We have the always insane but somehow completely loveable early ’90s Hulk Hogan going up against a beautiful, young CIA agent played by Piper Perabo. She kicks butt, he rips shirts. It’s going to be close.
Randolph J. “Hurricane” Spencer – Yes, that was really his full name in the show. Hurricane is an ex-Navy Seal who became a gun for hire in Florida helping people with their criminal problems. If you’ve ever seen two seconds of the show, you know that the entire thing was completely dopey. Hogan mugged for the camera for about 20 minutes, and for the other 5 minutes or so, he drove around in a cool boat. The one thing the show had going for it was its hilarious ’90s opening score.
Strengths: As you can tell from the video above, Hurricane’s bedtime stories were unrivaled. I particularly enjoy the scene at 4:50 where Hurricane puts a menacing headlock on the woman he’s saving. The real question is whether his gigantic biceps pop her head off before they get to the boat?
Weakensses: The show was corny as hell and so was Hogan’s character. He had huge muscles and a terrible-looking CGI boat, but he always fought like a pro wrestler, which never looks threatening during action scenes.
Anne Catherine “Annie” Walker – Annie is a CIA agent on USA Network’s ‘Covert Affairs’. She has the ability to kick a lot of butt in quickly-edited fight sequences, but most of her time on the show is spent smooching other dudes rather than ass kicking. I honestly had a really tough time finding videos of Annie fighting people, so here’s the next best thing…
Strengths: She’s quite adept at handling herself, and looks better in a swimsuit than Hulk Hogan.
Weaknesses: Did you see the headlock that Hurricane put on the woman he was trying to save? Imagine if he got those pythons around Annie’s slender neck and tried to kill her. She seems outmatched, even if Hurricane Spencer is the cheesiest TV action hero ever conceived.
Now here’s a tough decision. David Carradine’s Caine is one of the most iconic television characters of all time. He’s so iconic that Jules from ‘Pulp Fiction’ idolized him and wanted to emulate his wandering adventures. When Jules wants to be you, you know you’re doing something right. On the other hand, you have TV’s most famous serial killer, who methodically dispatches his victims while relishing in the ritual of it all.
However, both men live by a set of rules. Dexter only kills those he knows deserve it, while Caine only uses violence when all other options have been exhausted (or when he has to fight a girl).
Dexter Morgan – Blood spatter analyst by day, vigilante serial killer by night. Over six seasons, Dexter has shown his ability to not only kill bad guys efficiently, but also to get away with it. When he puts his mind to something, there’s nothing that can stop him.
Strengths: Dexter is a methodical killer who has refined his skill so well that, even though he works at the police department, only a few people have ever realized that there’s something amiss about him. His planning and execution are rarely matched. He also has unlimited amounts of animal tranqualizers.
Weaknesses: Sometimes Dexter’s hunger to understand himself stands in the way of killing the person he needs to kill. If Dexter feels like he can learn something from his victim, he tends to let them live a little longer than he should. If he met up with Caine, would he have something to learn from him?
Kwai Chang Caine – A principled warrior, Caine is a master of martial arts, but only uses them when necessary. He isn’t one to go off on a butt-kicking spree just because he feels like it. He has to be provoked.
Strengths: His unwavering character and his unrivaled martial arts abilities are a total plus.
Weaknesses: On the other hand, one quick injection from Dexter’s animal tranquilizer and he’s out. If he doesn’t suspect it, Dexter could easily get the drop on him.