TV Madness: Baracus vs. Nine – Walker vs. Mason

Monday’s TV Madness showed just how hard it can be for characters born in the distant past to go up against foes from the present and future. With the help of guns and cyborg parts, Vic Mackey and Cameron the Terminator were able to move onto the next round, defeating Zorro and Eddard Stark.

Whoa! Now here’s an epic battle. Both characters have staunch cult followings. Both are among the most recognizable characters on television. Both are badasses in their own rights and have proven hundreds of times that they’re worthy of a place in this tournament.

Seven of Nine – Part human, part Borg, Seven of Nine is a prime fighting specimen. Much like Cameron in our last battle, being half machine is nothing but a strength here. Granted, Seven of Nine has much more human in her than Cameron, but the fact remains that she’s a butt-kicking robo-human of death.

Strengths: She possesses superior strength and fighting skills. She can go toe-to-toe with the best fighters the universe has to offer.

Weaknesses: As one can see from the video above, strong, muscle-y types (of which B.A. Baracus qualifies) can overpower her. Despite being a well-oiled fighting machine, The Rock (wearing some sweet forehead prosthetics) was able to beat her into submission.

B.A. Baracus – Weighed down with pounds of gold chains and hilarious catch phrases, B.A. goes for power over finesse. His fights usually consist of him pounding his hand into his fist and then clocking some dude. Rarely has B.A. ever had to get into a long, drawn-out fight. He goes for the knockout right from the start, and usually gets his way.



Strengths: Besides his biceps, which are bigger than my thighs, B.A. has the added weight of at least 60 pounds of gold chains, which no doubt gives his punches greater force. Plus, his catch phrases can cut right through any opponent. “Take that, sucka!”

Weaknesses: A fighting opponent with finesse like Seven of Nine could be a weakness, since B.A. isn’t known for his fancy footwork in fights. He uses brute power, so Seven’s agility could really give him fits.

B.A. Baracus vs. Seven of Nine

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Finally, Chuck Norris enters the tournament with a roundhouse kick to the face. He takes on former history teacher Tom Mason, who has tried to rid the earth of its alien invaders in TNT’s ‘Falling Skies’. Honestly, though, does Noah Wiley stand a chance against THE Chuck Norris?

Cordell Walker – Count me out as one of the people on Chuck Norris’ seemingly infinite bandwagon. ‘Walker: Texas Ranger’ was one of the corniest shows ever, featuring some of the silliest fight choreography that has ever been filmed. Still, somehow Chuck Norris has gained legendary status as someone who can never be beaten. Yeah, that’s only if everyone is dumb enough to stand around for five full seconds so he can set up the perfect roundhouse kick.

All that said, the video below of him beating up Gary Busey is comedic gold. I didn’t know that Busey was in a ‘Walker: Texas Ranger’ episode. If I knew that show had Gary Busey running down defenseless kids with Downs’ Syndrome, I think I would’ve watched it more.

Strengths: He’s Chuck Norris. He has all those jokes about how amazingly awesome he is. He has a huge fan base. He’ll win.

Weaknesses: For starters, his entire fighting style relies on his opponent to be too stupid to actually move from side to side. Also, he’s the reason ‘The Expendables 2’ will be rated PG-13. Thanks, Chuck.

Tom Mason – Tom leads a group of rag-tag revolutionaries against the hordes of alien invaders who have taken over the earth.





Strengths: Is being Noah Wiley a strength? No? Well, umm… sometimes he carries an outdated rifle around with him. So he’s got that.

Weaknesses: He isn’t Chuck Norris.

Cordell Walker vs. Tom Mason

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  1. I pity the fool who goes against B.A. Baracus!

    C’mon, somebody had to say it first. 🙂

    I’m not a Chuck Norris fan, but the second match is ridiculously lopsided.

  2. Well now, are we talking Seven of Nine with all her cybernetic implants, or Seven of Nine shortly after Janeway saved her, or Seven of Nine 20 or so years in the future. The Borg have taken down Klingons, and tons of species with way more physical powers than humans. Mr. T doesn’t have a chance.

    As for the other match, come on, Tom Mason is only alive because Chuck Norris let him live!

  3. Alex

    You know what’s weird? I’m pretty sure that Seven could take out Worf, and I’m pretty sure B.A. Baracus could take out Seven, and yet I find myself believing that Worf could take out B.A. Baracus.

  4. @ Alex, Seven of Nine might give Worf a nice b!tch slap but it would take just one hit for him to retaliate and break her neck.

    Either way, I give Nine and Mason the advantage. Nine and Mason both sparred with various creatures and aliens plus Mason drove a motorcycle in a sick way.

    Norris may have killed alot but like the author, I’m not one to be discreet in showing what a fake I not only believe but know him to be.

    Also, Baracus never killed anyone. Why? Because he doesn’t have it in him. Like Norris, he’s a born-again Christian who like non-violent methods such as treating one’s mother right.

    Doesn’t sound lethal now does it?

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