March Movie Madness: Dutch vs. Barbossa – Gruber vs. Fett

On Wednesday, we had some very close battles in March Movie Madness. Without real heavyweight favorites, each of the matchups came down to the wire. Alice and Leon ended up tying at the last second. The rules stated that any tie would be broken by the amount of box office dollars earned by the characters in their respective movies. Any of the ‘Resident Evil’ movies blow ‘The Professional’s gross out of the water, so Alice will be moving ahead along with V. They’ll now be moving on to the second round. Today, let’s head on back over to the opposite side of the bracket and check out a couple matchups over there.

Predator killer Alan “Dutch” Schaefer takes on pirate extraordinaire Captain Hector Barbossa. Confession time: I didn’t actually know Barbossa’s first name was Hector until I started writing this article. I may have fallen asleep in whatever movie they announced that little tidbit. Dutch has shown that he has the ability to take on killer alien life forms, while Barbossa has shown the ability of not being able to die. It’s anyone’s game.

Dutch – He took on the Predator in the jungles of Guatemala and lived to tell the tale. He’s also one of the quintessential ’80s badass action heroes, which I feel should go a long way. They just don’t make action heroes like Dutch anymore – rippling biceps, steely gaze, and a giant-ass weapon to boot.

Strengths: Strength is Dutch’s strength. Just look at the guy. Your eyeballs are liable to pop out of your head just by watching the man flex. Not only is he a master weapons expert, Dutch can improvise. Booby traps are another one of his specialties. Oh, and he’s a killer face painter.

Weaknesses: He’s a terrible leader. A major in the armed forces should have been able to keep most of his company safe, but he watched in horror as they were picked off one by one.

Captain Barbossa – He’s been alive, undead, just dead, and then resurrected. He’s obviously quite adept at cheating death no matter what. He’d be a wily foe for anyone to face, as we all know how untrustworthy he really is. When the fight is on the line, leave it up to Barbossa to fight dirty.

Strengths: He’s not invincible, but apparently the guy has numerous lives like a cat. He just keeps popping up randomly when he’s supposed to be dead. When he was undead, he was invincible, and after Jack Sparrow finally killed him, he was just simply resurrected. I’m pretty sure if there was a nuclear holocaust, cockroaches and Barbossa would be the only living things left on the planet.

Weaknesses: His loyalty is questionable. He’s a mutineer and, as Sparrow lovingly tells us in the first ‘Pirates’ movie, there’s a special place in hell for mutineers.

Dutch vs. Captain Barbossa

  • Dutch (73%, 107 Votes)
  • Captain Barbossa (27%, 40 Votes)

Total Voters: 147

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Up next, we’ve got two villains who have lived on in our collective cinematic memories over the years. Granted, one of these guys (cough:Fett:cough) – has an advantage because so many people absolutely love him, but let’s see how this one plays out.

Hans Gruber – The criminal mastermind who came up against John McClane. It was just bad timing. You’ve got to think that if McClane hadn’t been there that day, Gruber would have been able to pull off his heist at Nakatomi Plaza without a hitch.

Strengths: He’s cool and calm, even under pressure. He’s one of the smoothest villains out there, and doesn’t think twice about shooting doucebags in the head.

Weaknesses: Bullets to the dome, and a guy named John McClane.

Boba Fett – He’s one of the most beloved characters in the ‘Star Wars’ universe. He carries a big gun. Even though we don’t see his face, it’s obvious that he’s an intergalactic badass.

Strengths: Fett has all sorts of space age toys. His badass-ness is known far and wide. He’s also got a jetpack.

Weaknesses: Speaking of jetpacks… One of the most anti-climatic death scenes ever.

Hans Gruber vs. Boba Fett

  • Boba Fett (68%, 101 Votes)
  • Hans Gruber (32%, 48 Votes)

Total Voters: 149

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  1. Aaron Peck

    Wow! Alice and Leon came down to the last second. So close that I had this article announcing Leon as the winner. With the tie though, Alice jumps ahead of Leon because her movies beat ‘The Professional’ at the box office.

    What a finish!

  2. Alex

    Dutch survived a friggin’ tactical nuke exploding 100 feet away from him. That is one tough mutha’.

    Oh, and Boba Fett is Boba Fett. Hans Gruber may be awesome, but Boba Fett remains and will always be Boba Fett.

    Plus, if you take the Expanded Universe as Canon, then Boba Fett escapes the Sarlacc and 1,000 years of pain and suffering, then parks his ship on top of the creature and char-broils it with the engine. That’s pretty bad.

  3. Jason

    I agree with Nick. Boba is very overrated. and with all things Star Wars episodes 1-3 ruined the franchise.

  4. First one’s easy… Dutch vs Barbosa? I like Geoffrey Rush, but those Pirates movies are terrible. Dutch would just ask him if the Pirate Council had him pushing too many swords, then slap him down. 😉

    Second match… Not so easy at first glance, as I really like Gruber. But unfortunately, let’s face it, he’s not REALLY such a tough-nut. He’s a planner and a leader. Boba Fett on the other hand, despite his reduced mystique from the prequels, is still a bad-ass. Boba Fett (pre-New Zealand accent) would just char-grill Gruber with his jetpack. 😀

  5. RBBrittain

    Barbossa’s inability to just die SHOULD mean there’s no way Dutch can kill him. However, with Jack Sparrow inexplicably not in this tournament, there’s not enough POTC fanboys here to save him from the Predator fanboys.

    In the second match, I have to go with the fanboys for once: Gruber couldn’t even beat John McClane; how could he beat Boba Fett?