Posted Wed Feb 25, 2015 at 11:00 AM PST by Steven Cohen
Every year the home theater industry tests out new innovations in their products, but sometimes these so-called "breakthroughs" end up being little more than cheap gimmicks. Though 2015 will see a continued push for buzz-worthy features like 4K resolution, curved-screens, 3D, quantum dots, high dynamic range, expanded colors, and more, some consumers fear that many of these feature are just marketing ploys aimed at emptying our wallets.
But are these potential gimmicks really that bad? Only time will tell, but one thing is for certain: it could be a lot worse. Think curved TVs are annoying and unnecessary? Well, how about a smiling TV? In the snarky spirit of industry innovation, we've come up with seven terrible home theater gimmicks, features, and products of our own. Gimmicks so unbelievably awful that they could never actually be real... hopefully. Culled from the rambling thoughts of a crazed home theater enthusiast gone mad, this list should help put things in perspective -- and we pray it doesn't give TV companies any ideas.
Sure, curved TVs are all the rage now, but what about a TV that arches upward? Yes, that's right. I'm talking about a smiling TV. Does this cheerful design add an extra layer of immersion? Well, not exactly… but how else are you supposed to know that your TV is happy? And there's nothing more inviting than a smile, right? That new expensive Sony model might have local dimming, but once you see this charming grin staring back at you on the Best Buy sales floor, you won't be able to resist a purchase. And as an added bonus, your display's perpetual smirk makes even the most depressing content upbeat. 'Sophie's Choice' is now practically a comedy!
Are you one of those people who just likes to watch the Super Bowl for the commercials? Are you tired of having to sit through all those pesky TV shows just so you can get to the real good stuff? Yeah, 'The Walking Dead' is exciting and all, but we know that you really just want to see that new Snickers ad. With the show-skipping DVR, customers can automatically fast forward straight through those worthless primetime dramas and sitcoms to get to the advertisements! And an upcoming firmware update will even add commercials to premium cable content. 'Game of Thrones' is so much more entertaining when every character death is interrupted by a State Farm Life Insurance ad. If only Ned had gotten a better policy…
Ultra HD is taking TV picture quality to the next level, but it still can't quite beat the real thing. So why not just have the real thing? With the Window TV, consumers get the absolute highest resolution possible in full 3D! It has perfect blacks, perfect colors, and perfect contrast. And there's no wires and no installation -- just a big old hole in your wall revealing the outdoor world. You know, the one that you've been neglecting for the past decade. And isn't it beautiful? Depending on your particular location you might see gorgeous vistas, serene beaches, towering skyscrapers, or dumpsters surrounded by wild packs of noisy cats. And for an added sense of immersion, the Window TV even lets in some genuine fresh air… or the smell of garbage.
2015 is bringing a big push for expanded color gamuts, but most film fans know that there are really only two colors that truly matter now: Teal and orange. Orange and teal. Hollywood's favorite lazy color palette can already be found on most big new releases, but what about those few remaining movies that aren't so lucky? And what about classic films released before the teal and orange renaissance? Why should they have to miss out? The Teal-O-Vision setting automatically changes the color timing of your display to make all content gloriously teal and orange! Because everyone should like they have a sunburn and live underwater.
Are you tired of your uppity smart TV always staying one step ahead of you? How does it know that you just binge watched all of 'House of Cards' anyway?' And how does it know that you really just want to binge watch all of 'Gilmore Girls' next? The machine uprising might be getting closer every year, but Dumb TVs are here to help delay our inevitable enslavement. And they promise a big old ego boost too! The specially designed OS makes you feel smart by never getting anything right. Select the Netflix app and you'll trigger the sleep timer. Turn the volume down and you'll order the entire first season of 'Saved by the Bell' on Amazon Instant Video. Sure, Dumb TVs might make streaming content a little less intuitive, but at least you can rest assured that your display won't be plotting to murder you in your sleep.
Quantum dots were big at CES this year, but it's only inevitable that manufacturers will have to kick things up a notch. Sure, high dynamic range is cool and all, but can it rip open a door through the very fabric of space and time? With each pixel made from a tiny black hole, Quantum Singularity Dot TVs promise to offer a home theater experience like no other. Think those 'Hobbit' movies are too long now? Wait until you watch them through the time altering qualities of a collapsed star. By the time Bilbo reaches the Misty Mountains, your family will have died of old age. And by the time the credits roll, the zombie apocalypse will be in full swing.
With smartphones, tablets, and internet streaming services, the reality is that most young people these days don't even own a TV. But what do millennials love even more than constant mobile entertainment? Irony and nostalgia. Introducing the Decorative Tube TV. It's just like the one you grew up watching in the early 90s… because it is. Rescued from a landfill located behind an abandoned Circuit City, the Decorative Tube TV will bring back countless memories of classic Nickelodeon cartoons and TGIF sitcoms. And best of all? It doesn't work. Because who wants a TV that actually works? That's so mainstream.
So, there you have it. Curved TVs don't look so bad now, do they? What do you think about our awful home theater gimmicks and products? Do you have any truly terrible ideas of your own? Sound off in the forums!
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