Our regular ‘Under the Dome’ recapper Shannon is unavailable this week, which leaves me with the unenviable task of filling in for him. Honestly, the only reason I’ve continued to watch this show at all was so that I’d know what happened in it before I edited Shannon’s posts. Good thing I did, I guess. So, let’s see what fresh stupidity Chester’s Mill has brought us this week.
Remember all that to-do in the last episode about temperatures in town dropping to freezing, and not a single one of the people who live in Maine having any winter clothing? Yeah, that’s all over with now. The dome has stopped rotating, and temperatures have instantly returned to normal. Whew!
Also miraculously fixed is the gaping hole in Julia’s leg from where she was impaled by a metal rod. It’s a day later now, so of course she’s all healed up. She doesn’t even have a limp. Oh, but because the show’s creators don’t want us to think that they’ve forgotten about it, they show her wearing a bandage… on top of her jeans. Yes, Julia apparently put her pants on, and then she or Barbie wrapped the bandage around the outside of her pants. Not on the skin where the wound is. I can only hope this means that she gets a terrible infection and dies soon.
I’ll try not to get my hopes up for that, of course. Julia did actually die yesterday and has no ill effects at all from that.
New emergency! The dome is shrinking! Very, very slowly, like an inch at a time, but ohmigod the entire town is being crushed in on itself we’ve got to get everyone to the high school in the center and hope that Barbie comes up with another new plan to save us all again!! AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!
Joe and Norrie make Hunter ‘fess up to Barbie about spying on them for his father. Joe describes the scene: “Barbie did not look happy.” That line, removed from the context of this show and taken on its own, is quite hilarious.
With the magic egg gone and the dome contracting, Melanie has collapsed again. She coughs blood and some of her hair falls out. Her fate appears to be directly tied to the dome’s mood.
Pissy Barbie drags Hunter out to the edge of the dome and makes contact with the lead soldier guy. Through a series of notes and violent pantomime, he threatens to shoot Hunter unless his father comes to talk to him. Shortly thereafter, Don Barbara drives up. Barbie tells him what’s happening and demands that he return the egg. Don is resistant at first. Barbie tells him that Melanie (who we found out is Don’s daughter) is alive inside with him but is very sick. Don doesn’t believe him. Fortunately, Joe was snooping in the bushes and happens to have his totally awesome, always fully charged Microsoft Surface Pro 3™ tablet with him, which he enthusiastically uses to show Don a vlog (no, not just a video, very specifically a vlog, because Joe is a hip youngster who knows all the latest social media lingo) he’s recorded of him and Melanie together. Don says, “Holy shit, that Microsoft Surface Pro 3™ tablet is amazing! I’ve got to get down to Best Buy to pick up one of those ASAP! And all of you dear viewers in the audience ought to do the same right away.”*
*Note: Not an exact quote.
Eventually, Don agrees to postpone his trip to Best Buy and return the egg, but how will he get it back inside the dome? After debating for a minute, Barbie tells him about the secret red door entrance. Don hops in his luxury sedan and hightails it to the playground where the egg is still sitting. Against the “Don’t touch that, you fucking idiot!” advice of his soldiers, Don reaches down and picks up the egg. Rather than zap him, the egg calms down and turns black. The egg likes Don! Back in Chester’s Mill, Melanie starts feeling better. The dome is happy!
Don turns to get back in his car when… oh shit!… all of his soldiers turn their guns on him. They’re taking orders from someone else. Back in town, Melanie gets sick again. The dome is unhappy!
Feeling desperate, Julia goes outside to talk to the dome. She asks what it wants and pleads with it to help Melanie. In response, the dome immediate starts shrinking again. STFU, you ungrateful bitch! Isn’t it enough that I’ve made you invulnerable to death?
Because Big Jim hasn’t had nearly enough screen-time and we need to give him something to do, he spends most of the episode trying to win back his wife Pauline (Sherry Stringfield) and urging her to start painting again. Pauline insists that she hasn’t had any visions to paint since the egg left the dome, but soon enough gets back into the swing of things. She creates two new paintings, one of which we’re not allowed to see, except to know that it’s dripping blood, which probably isn’t a good sign. The other painting, the one she shows Jim, has eight hands reaching toward a girl’s body. Pauline interprets this to mean that all eight of the “Hands” (both the four old ones and the four new ones) must join together.
Of course, Angie is dead, leaving them with only seven, but Pauline urges them to try anyway. So, they haul Melanie’s unconscious body out to the spot in the woods where they originally found the magic egg. The remaining Hands all touch her. (Would it be inappropriate of me to make a “Hands on a Hard Body” joke here? It’s just so obvious, but the girl is underage so I feel a little icky about it.) In any case, Melanie has a seizure and seems to be even worse. That’s not good.
But wait! Science lady Rebecca has a cockamamie theory that Melanie herself counts as two Hands because she’s from both the past and the present. Uhh, that makes no sense at all, but whatever. The Hands try again, this time switching around the order they touch her or something.
Melanie starts to come around. Did it work? Suddenly, a vortex swirls up from underneath her and drags Melanie down into the ground. When it disappears, it leaves behind a giant hole. Could this be another exit from the dome?
In the aftermath of this, Big Jim and Pauline finally kiss and make up. At exactly that moment, creepy Lyle (Dwight Yoakam) sneaks up and stabs Pauline out of jealousy. In a rage, Big Jim grabs Lyle’s knife and stabs him too. Far from upset, Lyle thanks him. Now he and Pauline will get to be together in heaven.
Lyle dies. Pauline either dies or is dying. A cover version of “Turn! Turn! Turn!” swells up on the soundtrack and the episode ends with a musical montage.
You’ve got to be fucking kidding me with this shit.