TV Madness: Bauer vs. Xena – MacGyver vs. Guevara

Looks like I got my wish. The Tick was able to take out Tony Soprano in the first round of TV Madness and will move on. In the other match-up, Kevin Sorbo’s rippling biceps overpowered Sydney Bristow, as Hercules took home a win in the first round as well. Now, let’s take a look at today’s match-ups.

It’s only fitting that Xena’s match-up should come up after Hercules, since his show spawned hers. On the other hand, it’s too bad that she has to go up against Jack Bauer. Even though I knew that I of course had to include Bauer, I hesitated – just like last year’s Movie Madness tournament, when I worried about putting in big guns like Darth Vader and Indiana Jones. Bauer is a heavy favorite to win it all.

Jack Bauer – According to a totally unfounded video that I just watched on Youtube, Jack Bauer killed 265 people over eight seasons. I’m positive that no one in this tournament has anywhere close to that number. He is TV’s preeminent badass. In one season, he went all ‘Lost Boys’ on some dude and ripped out the guy’s jugular with his own teeth. He may be a frontrunner in this tournament, but “Dammit!” he’s earned it.

Strengths: Uh, he’s Jack Bauer. He saved the world eight times over. And may I reiterate that he killed 265 people? His weapons skills are unmatched, and so is his gruff action hero voice.

Weaknesses: Jack routinely found himself getting tricked or duped, like when he was kidnapped by the Chinese. Luckily, he always found a way to escape, which usually involved upping his body count.

Xena – The Warrior Princess! Her spin-off was born from a small story arc in ‘Hercules’. After that, she went on to become one of the most recognizable buxom, leather-clad warrior women on TV.




Strengths: Xena has quite a lot of skills, not the least of which is her warrior screech. She’s a master of the sword and of pressure points on the body. Besides her flying kick (where she can inexplicably take out a whole group of fighters without touching the ground for a few seconds), the thing I remember most about Xena is her ability to touch certain points of the neck and render her attackers limp and useless.

Weaknesses: Xena’s personal relationships seem to be her weak points. We all know that she and Gabrielle were much more than just buddies, and her daughter Eve was the most important thing to her. Take away either of those people, and that could cause a crippled Xena. Or, you could antagonize her enough that she pressure points you into oblivion.

Jack Bauer vs. Xena

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In the CRT bracket, we have an interesting match-up between one of TV’s most awesome DIY guys and another butt-kicking female character. MacGyver may be able to defuse a bomb with used chewing gum and a paper clip, but he’s going up against the ‘Dark Angel’. Will he have enough homemade contraptions to counter her ass-kicking?

MacGyver – Over the course of seven seasons, Richard Dean Anderson got out of a ton of life-threatening situations using his ingenuity and his ability to find other uses for household items. MacGyver never handled a gun and always relied on his vast knowledge to get him and others out of crisis after crisis.



Strengths: He’s quite possibly one of the smartest characters to ever grace the TV screen. I’m not talking about Sherlock Holmes smart; I’m talking practical smarts. He could take any household item and essentially save the world with it.

Weaknesses: Again, he never carries a gun and largely resolves his disputes without physical confrontation. This could work against him.

Max Guevara – She’s genetically enhanced to be a beautiful, butt-kicking powerhouse. Her super soldier status doesn’t bode well for a man whose strongest line of defense is a paperclip.




Strengths: Max was genetically altered to be a killing machine. Specifically, she was supplied feline DNA for its physical advantages. She’s super-fast, super-strong, can heal quickly, and can do just about everything when it comes to fighting.

Weaknesses: Max has a genetic design flaw that caused her to have seizures in the first season, but once the second season rolled around, this didn’t seem to ever be a problem again.

MacGyver vs. Max Guevara

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  1. First one’s easy. Bauer is just a pretender to action movie status, but can’t quite get there… Xena is a Warrior Princess in tight leather… I mean, is there even a contest? She fights supernatural beasts on a daily basis without breaking a sweat, that would have Bauer running for the hills. She even has the more grumpy deep voice! 😉

    Now MacGyver vs Max… I wanted to vote MacGyver purely because of his best Simpson’s reference… “Don’t thank me, thank the moon’s gravitational pull.” 😉 But I never rarely watched his show, but I really enjoyed Dark Angel. Plus, she’s a hot genetically enhanced babe with a gun. That itself should get her at least to the finals. 😀

  2. I don’t get the Jack Bauer thing. Admittedly, I only watched (most) of the first season, but he didn’t seem all that spectacular to me. Does he get hit with gamma radiation in a later season or something? The idea that this guy would stand a chance with some of the super-powered contenders in this tournament absolutely baffles me.

    • Jack got progressively more badass as the series progressed. He single-handedly took down the President of the United States in Season 5.

      In the final season, after capturing, disarming and rendering her helpless, he shot one of the show’s most annoying characters in the chest just because he didn’t want to deal with her anymore. He intentionally missed the heart with the first shot so that she could really take in what was happening to her when he gave her an evil glare and finished her off.

      Later, he (literally) eviscerated a bad guy on camera. Not even an important bad guy. Just a henchman who didn’t answer his questions quickly enough while Jack was torturing him.

      Jack Bauer is a tough, mean mo-fo. He’s going all the way in this tournament.

    • I’m with you on this. My roommate has been watching the show on Netflix. He is about halfway through the third season. Bauer may be more popular, but Xena would beat the shit out of him.

      Never seen Dark Angel, but, come on, we have to have a Richard Dean Anderson character in the mix. McGyver gets my vote.

  3. Despite Xena having a bodycount in the 6 digits and Bauer accomplishing half of that, swords and knifes don’t do jack (pun intended) when the other has knifes, various guns and brutal fighting skills.

    He would disarm this Aussie warrior, impale her in the eyelids with her own weapon and then make her give him information before he blew her brains out.

    As for the other fight, again, RDA’s popular character doesn’t kill (save for the one accident listed on and the seven kills by explosion in one of the TV movies). If it was his other character Jack O’Neill from “Stargate SG-1” then we’re talking but as it stands, the lame actress wins this round.

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