‘Sunny’ 7.03 Recap: “I’m Not Gonna Diddle Your Kids!”

There’s one piece of ‘Sunny’ charm that often goes unnoticed – the Gang’s background dialog as the time and day cards play. If you’ve never listened to it, pay attention. Like the intros to many ‘Family Guy’ episodes, it usually has nothing to do with the rest of the episode, but it’s hilarious nonetheless.

After the Gang’s pointless banter, Frank bursts into the bar, trips, breaks his nose in such a way that leaves him looking like The Penguin from ‘Batman Returns’, and rambles, “Strange man … titty bar … great investment opportunity … beauty pageants!”

In ‘Frank Reynolds’ Little Beauties’, Frank makes a business deal with a guy in a strip club to hold a new beauty pageant – only to discover afterwards that it’s a kiddie pageant. When his new partner ends up being a “diddler” (i.e. a pedophile), Frank seeks the Gang’s help in fulfilling the investment in the most family-friendly way that would never lead anyone to believe that he “diddles” children.

After Charlie defends child pageantry as a patriotic American right, the Gang gets reeled in and convinced to put on the best pageant ever. Since Dee’s mother never encouraged her during her own pageants, Dee sets her sights on taking a kid under her wing and leading her to victory while bashing mothers.

After a classic Charlie-fueled “USA” chant, he, Mac and Dennis begin planning the program’s music. With talented pianist Charlie behind the keyboard, Frank tries to convince him to write a song about not diddling kids. The improved song Frank pumps out is reminiscent of Charlie’s pro-America “Rock, Flag and Eagle.”

While preparing, an investigator from the Family Association for the Protection of Children shows up to keep an eye on the safety of the children. You know something’s up with his character when he isn’t concerned that the event is taking place in a bar, or that none of the children’s mothers are present to supervise. Preparing for the worst, Dee makes sure to pin everything on Frank.

Preparations include Charlie teaching dance to Frank’s little beauties like the ballet instructor in ‘Black Swan’. There’s nothing funnier than watching Charlie bash little kids.

At the same time, Dee tries to take the prettiest contender under her long ostrich wing to help fulfill her mother-bashing goal. But the little stuck-up snot throws it back in Dee’s face and rips her self esteem apart. With her original plan in the dumps, Dee seeks a new Padawan.

I hope the Fat Mac jokes never stop this season. This week, he begins wheezing while eating.

For some reason, there’s a boy in this pageant dancing to “Yankee Doddle Dandy.” Because the kid genuinely loves pageantry and boys never win beauty pageants, the guys decide to help him become a worthy winner by updating the patriotic song to something modern.

To help his busted-up face look better, Frank hires a mortician to apply make-up. Instead of covering up the swelling and bruising, the creepy mortician makes Frank look like Grandpa Munster.

Guess which ‘Sunny’ regular is finally back to run the soundboard… Artemis!

Another awkward production from the Gang gets underway. Although it’s supposed to be all about the children, the Gang interject themselves via a song and dance intro. Donning a tight black turtleneck, Mac’s belly hangs out from the bottom of the too-small shirt. Charlie takes stage in a pure white costume while busting out scat.

Next, “Grandpa Munster” takes the stage to clarify to the parents that he’s not a diddler and to introduce a montage of crappy kid talents. The only thing more offensive is Dee’s performance with the ugly duckling contestant, in which she calls the moms in the audience “a pain in my vagina.”

When the Yankee Doodle Dandy boy takes stage, Charlie, Mac and Dennis play their techno rave remix of the classic song. They’ve painted abs onto the kid and make him “flash his nips.” Considering that the nip-flashing is a throwback to an old Artemis episode, she seems to be the only one pleased by his performance.

Just before the winner is crowned, Frank’s hot mic relays an inappropriate conversation with the mortician to the audience: “Do you ever bang the dead bodies?” Watching Frank tank on stage, the Gang decides to bail, just as cops bust through the door. As expected, the “inspector” was really a diddler the police have been trying to arrest. It turns out that pageants are “diddler magnets” and “American traditions, but not a proud one.”

Upon watching the Gang exit, angry parents demand a winner be crowned. So, who wins? “…The prettiest, right?”

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