Weekend Roundtable: Eww, Cooties!

Why do girls have to ruin everything? We can’t even go to the movies anymore without seeing a bunch of icky women stealing our manly franchises away from us. How would they like it if we took a bunch of their silly chick flicks and remade them for men, as they should have been all along? Yeah! Take that, Melissa McCarthy!!!

M. Enois Duarte

I wonder what a male version of ‘Beaches‘ would look like? Obviously, it would have to be a raunchy R-rated comedy with the usual gross-out tropes and gags at the forefront while the weepy melodrama aspect of the story plays as a subplot. Zac Efron can play the Bette Midler character, a self-centered and career-driven personality looking to make it big as a male exotic dancer after being inspired by the first ‘Magic Mike’ movie. For the Barbara Hershey role, Dave Franco would be perfect as the stuffy corporate type who actually dreams of settling down with the right woman and making a family.

Instead of the two meeting at beaches every few years to catch up with each other’s lives, they have a tradition of meetings at unused bridges, thus calling the movie ‘Bridges’. When the two childhood friends discover that Franco is dying of some kind of rare testicular cancer, they go on a crazy search to find the perfect donor balls so that Franco can fulfill his white picket fence dreams. This will lead to even more goofy hijinks and raunchy shenanigans. Of course, we all know the story is going to end with Efron at Franco’s bedside and audiences everywhere pulling out the tissue boxes. Because it’s sad, not because of whatever dirty thoughts just crossed your nasty, perverted minds. Get your heads out the gutter!

Brian Hoss

Although I’ve only seen the first ‘Pitch Perfect‘, I can’t imagine that there isn’t already a script ready to go that puts one of the all-male a capella groups into the lead. That group can then spin off into its own movie, one where competitive singing montages are mixed with street racing. This new ‘Tonal Gear’ franchise will be perfectly formed so that the specific tone of the movies – what with all the constant racing, crashes, arrests and life-ruining moments on one side and the singing competitions that define collegiate pursuits on the other – will baffle audiences. Also, Emilio Estevez should be there to recite all of his inspiration speeches from ‘The Mighty Ducks’.

Adam Tyner (DVDTalk)

Spud. Drum. Jackson. Sammy. Individually, they were Marines. Together, they are… ‘STEEL MAGNOLIAS‘. Blood red is their signature color. This elite squad racked up more than 650 confirmed kills throughout the grueling campaign in the North Korean province of Chinquapin. Just when they thought they’d put an end to the reign of Kim Jung-Ouiser, the sinister dictator blasts Jackson with a faceful of experimental nerve toxin before scurrying away like the rat he is. Jackson seems okay for a while, but one by one, his organs start to fail. When it comes to pain and suffering, he’s right up there with Elizabeth Taylor, and the decorated Marine now lays comatose. The only known antidote is locked away in Ouiser’s mountain fortress. A boil on the butt of humanity, he is evil, and he must be destroyed.

Josh Zyber

He has a head for business and a bod for sin. Ambitious but fashion-challenged Jersey hunk Ted McGill moves to the big city to take a job working for a high-powered stockbroker. Although he has to start as a lowly secretary, he knows how to seize an opportunity when he sees one. When his back-stabbing boss breaks a leg skiing and gets stranded in Aspen, Ted takes his place and engineers a major financial merger he has no authority to execute. In the process of this blatant fraud, he also finds love with another executive who happens to be his boss’ girlfriend. Hijinks, as they say, ensue.

Let the river run! Here comes the ‘Working Boy‘!

Why remake ‘Working Girl‘ with a male lead, you may ask? Well, for one thing, this time we might wind up with a movie that has some faint understanding of how the business world actually works, which the original doesn’t. That would be an improvement. For a little added fan-service that audiences today apparently require, we can even bring back Harrison Ford but make him play the Sigourney Weaver character.

What other female-led movies need to be remade with men? Pitch us your ideas in the Comments.

15 comments

  1. NJScorpio

    ‘The Witches of Eastwick’…instead of three suburban females discovering their inner witches after becoming “under the spell” of the local warlock, you have three average suburban Joes who discover their inner warlocks after falling for a super sexy witch, where they proceed to have a massive warlock battle over the affections of said witch.

  2. Bolo

    I think a remake of last year’s underseen ‘The Duke of Burgundy’ could be an excellent vehicle for Stallone and Michael B. Jordan to expand on the chemistry that won over audiences in ‘Creed’. This drama about the strain put on a May-December relationship by an ageing entomologist’s indulgence of the younger lover’s S&M fetishes would guarantee Stallone the Oscar that evaded him this year.

  3. Csm101

    If the next Godzilla isn’t equipped with a 30 foot vagina, I’m boycotting!

    Paul Verhoeven corrects all his wrongs from Showgirls by remaking/rebooting…. Showmen! Lots of sausage!

    Adore part 2 or better known as Uhhhhdore : Jeff Bridges and George Clooney star in a heartwarming drama as two old friends who bang each other’s daughters.

    • Timcharger

      You mentioned: Verhoeven and vagina, but NOT this remake?!

      In this new remake: Baggy Shorts Instinct, Verhoeven directs. Michael Douglas wears baggy shorts and is a suspect in a murder. While he is questioned by the all-female police force, he smokes a cigarette and keeps crossing and uncrossing his legs.

      • Csm101

        When you say “baggy” shorts, is it also a pun? If it is, then extra points for you. 😁 EM should be proud.

  4. I think “Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert” had the right idea. If you absolutely must have female characters, get men to play them too.

    So, I’d like to see Will Smith as Catwoman, Kurt Russel as Ripley, and Sylvester Stallone as Sarah Connor.

  5. nagara

    An all male joy luck club would be awesome!

    Or Mulan, with a geisha setting.

    Or in keeping with Paul feige, we could have groomsmen.

  6. photogdave

    Roman and Michael’s High School Reunion
    Roman (Chris Hemsworth) and Michael (Chris Evans) are best friends who were unpopular in high school and have dead-end jobs, yet somehow managed to score an amazing apartment right on Venice beach. Roman is a talented home brewer and Michael is good at drinking beer but they dream of bigger things.
    When they run into old classmate Heath (Simon Pegg in motion capture to resemble Chris Pine) they decide they really need to go to their 10-year high school reunion and impress everyone.
    Borrowing a friend’s Ferrari Testarossa and wearing Hugo Boss suits, Roman and Michael arrive with a fabricated success story about how they invented the angry Birds app and became millionaires, and hilarity ensues. Michael is hoping to re-connect with his high school crush (Anna Faris) who turns out to be a cheating lush, while Roman’s secret admirer from the past (Jane Lynch) makes a dramatic entrance and sweeps the friends away in a Stealth Bomber.
    The movie closes on Roman and Michael , now sporting full beards and thick rimmed glasses, running their very own craft brewery with all their old high school enemies as their best customers.

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