Family-Friendly Die Hard

Weekend Roundtable: Once Upon a…

This week’s Once Upon a Deadpool opens up an exciting marketing opportunity for all manner of adult-oriented movies to provide re-edited, cleaned-up versions safe for family consumption. It’s like everything those Cleanflix weirdos have tried to do, but authorized by the actual filmmakers and re-released to theaters. Which famous R-rated (or stronger) movie will be next?

Tom Landy

How about…Once Upon a Basic Instinct?

Somebody would definitely have to pull an all-nighter making this one family-friendly, wouldn’t they? Especially when it’s time to edit the infamous interrogation scene. I’ll have to go something like this:

“I actually don’t do drugs because drugs are bad, but I do like to float in a pool of Coca-Cola. Have you ever floated on Coca-Cola, Nick?”

Then, as Sharon Stone conspicuously uncrosses her legs (with a quick close-up of Wayne Knight’s much less sweaty face thanks to movie magic), she’s now clearly wearing digitized SpongeBob SquarePants Underoos! You’d just need to make damn sure not to get the same visual effects crew behind Henry Cavill’s creepy stiff upper lip in Justice League.

M. Enois Duarte

Once Upon a Lethal Weapon

Come spend this holiday season with hardened police officer Martin Riggs as he finds redemption and family when striking an unexpected friendship with his new partner, Roger Murtaugh. Following in the tradition and spirit of the Christmas classic It’s a Wonderful Life, Riggs learns the value of life, and that family comes in all shapes and sizes – although not without a few bumps and bruises along with the laughs!

David Krauss

Once Upon an Aliens

In the climactic scene, which now takes place on Christmas Eve, the Alien Queen is terrorizing poor little Newt. Ripley feels defeated and mutters to herself, “Nothing can save us now.” Just then, Santa Claus, who has been circling the world delivering presents, flies in on his sleigh. In a big booming voice, he shouts, “Stay away her, you… you… BULLY!!!” He then uses his sleigh to repeatedly beat against the crazed alien until he knocks it off the spaceship and into outer space. Newt runs toward Ripley with outstretched arms, but then passes her. “Santa!” she gleefully cries as she jumps into the sleigh and embraces Kris Kringle. Santa orders his reindeer to lift off, and as he flies into the night, he calls back to Ripley, “I’ll look after her. Merry Christmas!!” Heartbroken at the loss of Newt, but happy that she’s safe, Ripley retreats to her pod and pours herself a shot of scotch. “Here’s to visions of sugarplums,” she says. She then throws the glass across the room, closes her pod, and goes into hyper-sleep.

Jason Gorber

Would Once Upon a Suspiria work? Get a bunch of songs written by the Lopezes, Frozen-style, and make it an all-singing, all-dancing film about a witchy wonderland. If it came in at 90 minutes, it’d already be better than Luca Guadagnino’s gaudy misfire.

Adam Tyner (DVDTalk)

Once Upon a Salò, or the 120 Days of Friendship

Oh boy! I know it’s not celebrated as much as its American counterpart, but the Italian branch of Willy Wonka had its own Golden Ticket contest, and the lucky winners are just now rolling into this beautiful palace. The edit I have in mind is so much more wholesome and family-friendly than Pasolini’s original. Here, all the kids are excited to chomp into the plates of fudge they’re cheerfully served. Mmmm, these chocolate delights are so fresh that they’re still warm! We are, of course, still treated to a wedding. The boys and girls don’t have to be commanded to laugh; they’re having so much fun that they just can’t help themselves! Heck, even that dire old Italian song has been replaced with a bouncy Katy Perry musical number that’s certain to get you out of your seat and dancing your butt off.

Josh Zyber

There’s no Mr. Falcon here. Now it’s “Yippee ki-yay, Merry Christmas!” as lovable cop John McClane gets up to some silly hijinx in the new holiday classic, Once Upon a Die Hard. Through some skillful re-editing and judicious reshoots, the entire film’s plot has been carefully sculpted into a direct copy of Home Alone, just transplanted from a house to an office building. You’ll bust a gut laughing as McClane foils those naughty Wet Bandits with improvised booby traps and, let’s be honest, a bit of a sadistic streak. “Now I have a Super Soaker, ho ho ho!”

Your Turn

Which dirty movies would you like to see cleaned up? Pitch us your ideas in the Comments.


  1. One Upon A Night of the Living Dead.

    Brad Pitt should star in a PG13 zombie apocalypse film. He invents a zombie invisibility cloak such that they cannot smell him and saves the world.

    I’ll let you know where to send my royalties.

  2. Csm101

    Once Upon an Eyes Wide Shut
    Nicole Kidman confesses to Tom Cruise while eating questionable brownies that she doesn’t feel the Christmas Spirit anymore and perhaps wants to be Jewish. He then takes her to an exclusive party in the middle of nowhere wearing black robes. When they get there, they remove their robes and it turns out to be the most epic ugly sweater Christmas part ever!

  3. Judas Cradle

    Unlike that service from years ago that edited movies to make them “family friendly” – this is simply an openly brazen attempt to grab more $$$ for the same product twice.
    This is one of the grossest things I have ever seen Hollywood do. There is nothing altruistic about it.

  4. Bolo

    ‘Once Upon a Silence of the Lambs’, I’m pretty sure everything in this movie is disturbing, so maybe just change it to a literal adaptation of the title and show lambs sitting quietly in a nice grassy meadow.

  5. photogdave

    Once Upon a Midnight Cowboy…
    As Rizzo nearly gets nailed by a cart in the toy aisle at WalMart: “I’m shoppin’ here!”

  6. Jon

    Once Upon a Hostel….

    Self centered young 20 somethings learn about the spirit of giving thanks to some friendly Eastern European folks. In this version the guy getting vise gripped in the balls is actually screaming for excitement as he;s given a piece of pecan pie with a dollop of whipped cream.

  7. Scott

    Once Upon an Antichrist

    In the opener to the Lars von Trier classic, there is no more Willem Dafoe junk, rather he and Charlotte Gainsbourg are so engrossed in their tickle fight that they fail to see their toddler crawling on a third floor window sill. Unfortunately the toddler still falls through the window, however out of nowhere Santa’s sleigh, guided by Rudolph and that red nose of his swoops down and saves the toddler.

    Santa brings the baby home and enjoys some extra flattened cookies (you see they were flattened in a vice to get just the right texture).

    The End.

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