Let’s get this Monster Madness tournament started with a bang! Specifically, the bang that is surely produced from giant turtle ass thrusters.

These first two match-ups are sure to be doozies. Honestly, I don’t know which character I’d favor in either of them. From the Horror Bracket, Gamera goes up against the fabled Rancor. Meanwhile, over in the Scary Bracket, we get to witness the middleweight bout between Pale Man and Predator.

The first contest of this tournament is sure to be entertaining. The Rancor is a deadly beast from the ‘Star Wars’ universe that gobbles up Jabba’s prisoners, while Gamera has a long monster résumé that includes fighting the likes of Godzilla on a somewhat regular basis.

Gamera – One of the many Japanese-created kaiju, Gamera is a huge flying turtle monster that can actually stand on his hind legs and fight upright monsters. How does he fly, you might ask? Well, that’s an easy one. Gamera sports two lovely jet-fueled ass boosters that shoot him through the sky like an angry armored hockey puck.

Strengths: Don’t try getting through that shell. Japan’s most advanced weapons technology bounces right off it. Along with shooting flames out of his butt that launch him airborne, Gamera can also breathe flames.

Weaknesses: According to Wikipedia (which I will consult quite a bit throughout this tournament, since I’m not extremely well-versed on the specifics of monster lore), Gamera has a weakness to cold.

Rancor – Gigantic, mean and awfully ugly, the Rancor is one of the most memorable creatures of the ‘Star Wars’ universe, even though a puny human like Luke Skywalker was able to easily defeat it. Granted, Skywalker had Jedi abilities and whatnot, but the Rancor went down pretty easily.

Strengths: He’s big, strong and has enormous teeth. He likes eating pig people.

Weaknesses: I wonder if the Rancor can match Gamera in pure size. Gamera measures up there with Godzilla. He’s taller than skyscrapers. While the Rancor is a huge creature, I’m not sure that it comes anywhere close to matching Gamera.

 Loading ...

At the outset, this might seem like a pretty easy match-up. Predators are ruthless hunters who hunt down Xenomorphs like it’s their favorite pastime or something. Pale Man is a slow-moving dude with eyes in his palms.

Predator – Many of the monsters in this tournament are brainless crushing machines. Predator has the cunning of humans, and the badass-ness of being a monster from space. The entire species is devoted to hunting and killing other living things. That seems like a pretty good basis for doing well in a tournament like this.

Strengths: He’s an expert hunter who comes armed with all sorts of crazy space-age weaponry that is sure to cut down his enemies where they stand. Predators can also cloak themselves to become almost invisible, save for a wavy, water-like appearance in the atmosphere.

Weaknesses: Predators use a form of heat vision to see. When Mr. Schwarzenegger covered himself in cool mud, he became practically invisible to the beast.

Pale Man – I’ve seen a lot of movies and have watched some disturbing things in my time, but I have to say that Pale Man from ‘Pan’s Labyrinth’ is the most deranged creature I have ever come across. Guillermo del Toro is a twisted man to think up something so unnaturally heinous.

Strengths: This is the thing that nightmares would have nightmares about. If there’s any monster in this tournament that the other monsters would look at and say, “Now that’s just fucked up!”, it would be this guy. Out of everything in this tournament, Pale Man exudes the most heebie-jeebies.

Weaknesses: He’s slow-moving, only eats children and has his eyeballs in his hands. These seem like traits that wouldn’t fare well in hand-to-hand combat.

 Loading ...