March Movie Madness: Doom vs. Wallace – Pilgrim vs. Hawk

March Movie Madness is moving along quite nicely now. We’ve ended the Batman debate (congrats to gruff-talking Christian Bale), and we’ve even figured out our first two winners who are moving on to the next round. In the first bout, Harry Potter defeated the mighty Galactic Emperor Zurg. Meanwhile, it appears that Annie Wilkes was able to subdue The Grinch, tie him down to the bed, and hobble those skinny green legs. Next, we have our sights set on one matchup in the DVD Bracket on one in the HD DVD Bracket.

This is a peculiar matchup if there ever was one. On one hand, we have the evil judge of Toontown who dispenses death to cartoons on a regular basis. On the other hand, we have the savoir of Scotland who stood up to a tyrannical ruler much like Judge Doom. Well, okay not exactly like Judge Doom, but you get the gist. Doom is evil incarnate, and William Wallace confronts evil with his horse and a giant metal ball of death. Judge Doom hates toons, but would probably hate William Wallace too, given the chance. Mel Gibson has certainly become cartoon-esque with his latest escapades, so who knows? Maybe “The Dip” could take care of William Wallace once and for all.

Judge Doom – He rules Toontown with an iron fist, dolling out capital punishment to any toons that break the rules. He’s as evil as they come. (Seriously, what kind of guy takes on a job as mayor of Toontown and doesn’t even like toons?) Truthfully, he’s one of the scariest villains out there. He haunted my dreams as a kid after I saw ‘Who Framed Roger Rabbit’. Dressed in his black fedora, trench coat and leather gloves, Judge Doom was scary enough to strike fear into the heart of this writer.

Strengths: His complete and utter hatred for everyone and everything. His real strength, however, is two-fold. First he’s got The Dip, which can wipe a toon right out of existence. Lastly, and most importantly, he’s actually a toon. So he’s got toon powers to use in battle. Imagine having to run from a guy who can change his hand into a circular saw. Also, being a toon affords him the ability to live through almost anything like being run over by a steamroller.

Weaknesses: Ironically, the weapon he uses to dispense justice in Toontown is also his greatest weakness. The Dip dispatches Judge Doom just as fast as any other toon.

William Wallace – We’re not talking about the real William Wallace here. We’re talking about the certifiably insane Mel Gibson’s role in ‘Braveheart‘ – the broadsword-wielding, freedom-loving, skull-crushing Scotsman who took on the English throne.

Strengths: A cunning planner, that Wallace is. He’s able to form a band of unlikely heroes and take on the ruling family of England. He wins wars he’s not supposed to win, and he’s a dynamite face-painter. Sadly though, I’m thinking that Doom’s Dip would wipe that war paint right off his screaming face.

Weaknesses: Wallace has trust issues. He puts his trust in people, and they stab him in the back. That, and he isn’t particularly good with defeating the King’s torture equipment.

Judge Doom vs. William Wallace

  • Judge Doom (51%, 82 Votes)
  • William Wallace (49%, 80 Votes)

Total Voters: 162

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It took a few decades for this matchup to pan out, but now it can happen. Scott Pilgrim, that doe-eyed youngster from Toronto who can inexplicably kick a whole lotta butt, is going up against the world’s most intimidating arm wrestler. Lincoln Hawk beat a dude who drank oil before his match. That’s hardcore, right? Will Pilgrim’s high-flying comic book fighting style move onto the next round, or will Hawk’s legendary, awe-inspiring biceps crush Pilgrim into oblivion?

Scott Pilgrim – He’s just a regular kid, most of the time. However, when he gets involved with girls, things quickly become pretty crazy. Somehow, this kid is able to become an amazing martial artist at the drop of a hat. Throw him 50 feet into the air and send him crashing into a building? No matter. He’ll just get up, walk back, and beat you until you turn into a giant pile of sparkly coins.

Strengths: Improvisation is probably his biggest strength. Who knew the kid could kick so much butt? It’s Michael Cera, for heaven’s sake. Whenever a fight starts, Pilgrim knows exactly what to do without even thinking.

Weaknesses: Girls who constantly change their hair color. He’s powerless against them. It’s his Kryptonite.

Lincoln Hawk – Drives semi-trucks and wrestles arms. He’s a man’s man. He even cocks his hat into the backwards position when he means business. His biceps bulge as he slowly but surely goes over the top to win. If Scott Pilgrim and Mr. Hawk sit down for an arm wrestling match, there’s no contest.

Strengths: Arm wrestling and rippling biceps. Oh, and he’s a pretty spectacular semi-truck driver for what it’s worth. I guess he could run Pilgrim down in his brand new 18-wheeler that he won at the arm wrestling championship.

Weaknesses: His son. Fighting for love can only get you so far. Will that be enough to overcome Scott Pilgrim and his furious kicks of death?

Scott Pilgrim vs. Lincoln Hawk

  • Scott Pilgrim (70%, 122 Votes)
  • Lincoln Hawk (30%, 52 Votes)

Total Voters: 174

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  1. Alex

    Big ‘ol flaming sword beats arm wrestler (no matter how buff) every friggin’ time. One vote for Scott Pilgrim.

    The other is a little trickier. I’m giving it to Judge Doom because I have no idea where William Wallace would come up with the turpentine, acetone, and benzene necessary to take Doom down. While he’s scrambling for chemicals not readily available for another 800 years, Judge Doom drops a piano on him.

  2. I definitely have to give the edge to Doom. Where is William Wallace going to get his hands on some Dip to dispose of him?

    To be honest I haven’t see the other two movies, so I just picked Sly. I’m sure he’d turn his hat backwards and take care of business.

    • Aaron Peck

      He’s losing big too. On the other hand the Wallace/Doom fight is one of the closest we’ve had. Should be fun to see what happens there.

  3. Jason

    Doom over Wallace easy-peasy. Have you ever tried to fight a cartoon? They’re like rubber.

    Scott Pilgrim easily makes it to the next level and he still has an Extra-Life to boot.

  4. he’d rip that nerd’s arms right off and beat him to death with him. how anyone would vote for that effeminate nerd is beyond me. hype train. bah.

    also, Judge Doom. by a long shot. although, technically, Judge Death would kick his shit in.

    • Kizzle

      The only logical explanation for Hawk losing is OTHER LOSER NERDS ARE SUPPORTING THEIR FELLOW LOSER NERD.

      Heck, Hawk’s whiny annoying SON could whoop on Pilgrim, as long as he had a hat on he could turn backwards.

  5. Ivan Gomez

    Doom wins unless wallace can have his army to gather and flash him… on a more serious note, who has the craziest eyes, Gibson or the cartoon without the judge custom?

    I think Pilgrim´s girl will vote Hawk and eventually turn Scott into another ex.

  6. I see the Scott Pilgrim geeks are out in force.

    Wallace and Hawk for me…I don’t think it would be close. Judge Doom couldn’t even outwit that cwazy wabbit.

  7. Aaron Peck

    I just don’t understand how there can be 91 votes on one poll and 85 on the other. Why aren’t people voting for both polls? Or is it just HuskerGuy logging in from a bunch of different computers trying to rally Hawk to a win?


    Pilgrim has an extra life. If he gets defeated once, he can come back with a clever way to turn Sly into a clattering cacophony of coins.

    It’s pretty much the same reason Doom will beat Wallace, Pilgrim plays by a separate set of rules.

  9. Jared Chamberlain

    I get the feeling that Doom will beat Wallace, as Wallace has previously given permission for his life to be taken. He apparently wants to retain rights to his freedom, though. So, I’m guessing Doom will have him quartered, but not drawn, as it would impose on his only demand, and Doom seems like a fair villain.