OK, ‘Last Ship’, we might just forgive you for last week’s episode, IF you knock off all this crying crap and give us what we want! The Prez has come to his senses, Dr. Red needs to do some curing with Patient Zero and the crew is looking for something to blast. Here’s hoping we get an awesome last few episodes this season!

The week’s episode title, ‘Uneasy Lies the Head’, is confusing and poses some questions. Is someone’s actual head lying, on something, uneasily? Does the head find it uneasy to tell lies? Is there some “uneasy” awaiting us in the “head” (nautical term for bathroom)? Not that it really matters, as this episode has plenty of other goofy questions, mostly with really easy answers.

Questions like:

• Why does Dr. Red need so much dramatic convincing in order to talk to or work with Patient Zero? Surely he can help with The Cure.
• Why does the Prez have such a hard time deciding what to eat? Green Mile makes a MEAN grilled cheese.
• How does one kid, hiding out, get killed by the baddies during the firefight when the baddies seem utterly overwhelmed and incapable of killing ANYONE? Hard to say.
• How does one of the hopelessly outnumbered and outgunned baddies get the drop on the Captain while he’s looking for previously mentioned hiding kid? Because everyone wants to see a ridiculous spear gun death, right?
• Why do the show-runners have Girlfriend2 do so much moping about how nothing has changed and it’s all so hard to deal with? So you could say: “Shut up! You killed a dude with a fork two weeks ago!”

Patient Zero wakes up. He tells the Captain everything. The Captain tells Dr. Red everything Patient Zero told him. Dr. Red is suspicious, but decides she’ll try to get him to tell her everything she needs to know. Like, did he lead the baddies to her mentor? Did he really intend to kill everyone on the planet? Does he know the complicated science-y DNA sequence that will solve all her problems?

How will she ever get him to reveal all of this? Well, through completely unsubtle questioning and a TERRIBLY painful seduction scene, that’s how. She hates this guy more than anyone who has lost a loved one to his virus. She alone has the power to turn the world’s luck around.

But first, she needs some fresh water mussels. Mmm… apocalypse mussels. Can we safely protect any FAST BOATS we send to get those tasty test subjects? Sure. We have the .50 cal and the 25mm CHAIN GUN. Now we’re talking!

The Last Ship sails on over to a fresh water lake and off WOLF, Boyfriend1 & 2 and Girlfriend2 go! Wait, is the Away Team searching for survivors or shellfish? I’m confused. Regardless, they find some survivors and Boyfriend2 nearly gets captured by a gang of firearm/spear gun wielding teenagers. Good thing the Navy has more capable members than Boyfriend2. He gets saved by the rest of his team. They quickly learn that the baddies have told these kids they’ll get paid in food if they catch any Navy personnel. The Last Ship needs intel, which means they need prisoners. The make a deal with the kids to set the baddies up and ensure a firefight. There’s an ‘A-Team’ “getting ready for the action sequence” montage that includes the FIVE-INCH… in motion!!!! Oh baby!

In between the dumb Dr. Red stuff and the action-y good stuff, there’s more of the plodding storyline about the Prez still not having any confidence in his ability to lead. Good thing they sic the Master Chief on him. He whips his conviction into shape. As soon as the Prez finds his backbone, he heads off to the ship’s war room, where they’ve reserved him a balcony seat for the throwdown/FIVE-INCH.

Speaking of throwdown, after the “getting ready” montage, the team is ready. The Captain asks the leader of the teenagers how they call the baddies. Leaderboy pulls out a flare gun and shoots it in the air. The captain, who sorta said it was OK for the kid to stick around and fight, is pissed. Apparently, the Captain was gonna go back on his non-verbal OK and send Leaderboy back to the safety of the ship before the action. The Captain locks Leaderboy in his RV. Good thing Leaderboy has an easy time escaping and has a spear gun.

There’s lots of shooting and stuff blowing up, but despite all the preparedness, no one is winning or capturing prisoners. FIRE THE FIVE-INCH! They do and TOTALLY miss the bad guys but nearly hit the Captain. DOH! FIRE THE FIVE-INCH AGAIN… and at the MACHINE GUN truck, which is the only thing giving us a tiny bit of trouble! BLAMO!

As is the case EVERY TIME the Last Ship uses the FIVE-INCH, the good guys pretty much instantly win. With THAT out of the way, the kids get inoculated and probably moved to a safe location. The Prez gets his groove back and starts acting presidential. What’s going on with Dr. Red and Patient Zero?

Well, Dr. Red starts up a cold ass monologue: Here’s what’s gonna happen. We’re gonna undo what you’ve done. I’m gonna separate your gene from the virus – while it’s still inside your miserable punk ass body.

But that would kill me! You think I’d let you do that?

Too late, that bag o’juice you’re plugged into is ALREADY doing that to you.

EYE BLOOD! Patient Zero dies slowly-ish. Dr. Red got her MURDER on! DANG!

Nice. We’ll take it! Next week’s episode: Looks like lots of talking about how killing Patient Zero wasn’t Dr. Red’s call (boooooring) interspersed with the occasional TORPEDO (hooray)!