For those of you who thought last week’s premiere of ‘The Last Ship’ was a little slow, boy are you in for a treat! The second episode was cut together by action movie trailer editors on crack.
In, like, the first four minutes we learn: The crew of the Nathan James is doing SWAT training (machine guns!) for their ground assault on a prison full of (probably dead) prisoners; Master Chief is still a badass; stereotype check-box Uhura is also tough; Military German Shepherds get to just lie around wherever and with whomever in crisis situations; we see how foreshadowing works when the Lovely Scientist describes the disease’s symptoms; this post-apocalyptic shit sure does strain relationships; and, during memorials it’s expected that you bring an iPhone pic of your presumed-dead loved one. Oh, and bring some light sticks, because we don’t do memorial candles anymore.
The pacing continues this way through almost the entirety of the episode. Whew!
The crew’s plan is to sail on down to, and then blast their way into, Guantanamo Bay. The mission? America gets to blow the crap out of some evil terrorists. I mean, get some food, fuel and hospital supplies. (Why is there a hospital, stocked like the Mayo Clinic, at this prison?) They split into two teams. Team One: super deadly virus-proof hazmat suit-wearing dudes to infiltrate the hospital. And Team Two: Team America.
When Team One gets to the Mayo Clinic, they put on their masks and start an ominous countdown timer. Only 60 minutes of air. I hope no one cuts it close!
Team Two gets to the action scene where apparently one guy – and his tactical beard – has managed to keep the terrorists at bay for four months. However, now that the U.S. Navy has showed up, RPG toting baddies are everywhere! Lots of terrorists get shot (machine guns!), a couple of Team Two get injured, Sexy Scientist Lady demands to go to the beach and save the wounded. And, finally, the terrorists capture the new character. What should we do? Prepare the 5-inch! In a very silly – and awesome – scene, the Nathan James fires a Volkswagen into a warehouse where the captain and the terrorists are negotiating. BOOM! The good guys win!
Meanwhile, back on the ship, Bad Guy Hiding in Plain Sight is trying to sabotage the ship, sort of. He loiters around a lever that was seemingly built with the sole purpose of flooding the ship with poisonous gas, when he gets caught looking suspicious. This is the character’s only move forward from the surprise reveal at the end of the first episode. Well, that and it gave me an idea for a drinking game. I was pretty sure Shifty Eye Science Guy was a spy from the get-go. Why? All he ever did, in EVERY single shot of him, was look around like Snidely Whiplash. This episode is even worse. Wanna get completely trashed? Play the Russian Spy drinking game! I counted at least eight shots of this character doing NOTHING but googly-eyeing around in a shady fashion.
Ok, everyone is safely back on the ship and all stocked up for the next couple of episodes, when SUDDENLY another ship radios the good guy ship. It’s British! They have Guinness and we have smarmy British jokes! Then, EVEN MORE SUDDENLY, a ship comes within binocular distance. So, is that the ship with the Brits? Is that another ship? Should the show now be called ‘The Last Three Ships’? Who the hell is running the radar?
It’s the Russians! Bummer, I thought we’d get to fight some OTHER danger to American society next week, like the Chinese or Women’s Rights or fluoride in the water. Oh well, I’m not worried. As we learned from the premiere, the Russians are TERRIBLE shots and the Nathan James’ shields are impervious to Russian missiles. Piece of cake.