We are young! Heartache to heartache we stand (under the dome). No promises, no demands …
This week’s episode of ‘Under the Dome’ is called ‘Love Is a Battlefield’. It occurs to me that I could listen to Pat Benatar’s entire 1983 ‘Live from Earth’ album from start to finish in the same amount of time it takes to watch an episode of this stupid show, and that would probably be a more productive use of my time. Nevertheless, I’ve committed to seeing it through. So here we are.
Julia and Norrie return from having just murdered one of Eva’s teenage handmaidens, which of course nobody has noticed. (What’s one more dead girl on the pile of corpses?) They tell everyone about Eva having “the world’s shortest pregnancy.” Naturally, Jim immediately suggests that they murder Eva. Any excuse to kill somebody makes Jim happy. Julia, however, insists that Hektor and the Aktaion scientists must continue working on a cure instead. In order to do that, Jim has to follow through on his promise to obtain a sample of Christine’s DNA.
Back at the farm, Eva’s baby can be seen visibly slithering inside her belly. Ick! Barbie asks Christine permission to kill the rest of the resistance (really just an excuse for him to meet up with his friends again), but she tells him that it’s more important to stay with the baby.
Teenage science genius Joe continues to work on his dome-shattering device. He makes the interesting discovery that the amethyst crystals only glow if you whistle directly at them, but won’t respond to a recording. He’s puzzled as to how the crystal would know the difference. Joe tells Barbie that he’s close to finishing the project, but Barbie asks him to stall for a while.
Jim and Julia sneak back to the farm, and literally (I’m not kidding, literally) find a solitary strand of Christine’s hair in a haystack. Wow, that was easy.
But wait, Junior and some Pod People discover them! Uh oh! It’s curtains for Jim and Julia, until… Aktaion soldiers sweep in from behind and take out the Pod People goons! Jim begs them not to shoot Junior. He’ll be the perfect test subject for the cure.
Julia confronts Hektor about Lily’s dad Patrick still being alive. Hektor admits that the first attempt to make a cure didn’t work out so well, but he has much higher hopes for this one. The scientist puts the strand of Christine’s hair in a beaker filled with blue liquid and swishes it around. Voila, the cure is ready. Science!
Sensing that Joe is stalling, Christine brings him out to the woods to show him that the dome is calcifying (which he already knew) and to emphasize the urgency of their situation. If the dome completely calcifies, everyone inside will suffocate – just like all these dead raccoons are strewn all over the place… But wait, if only a small portion of the dome has calcified so far, how could these animals have suffocated? Yeah, this just straight-up doesn’t make any sense. Like everything else in the show, I guess.
Christine also tells Joe that, in addition to this problem, the even-more-evil aliens that chased the Butterflies away from their homeworld are heading for Earth, and only the dome can protect them. Oh, for fuck’s sake, is this an attempt to set up a new storyline for a fourth season?
Junior is given the cure and runs up a 106-degree fever. He seems to snap out of his butterfly delirium and apologizes for being such a murderous little shit recently. (Does he not know his father at all? Jim has never been prouder of his son than when he’s killing people like daddy does.) Jim, being an idiot, undoes Junior’s restraints. Oh no! It was all a trick! Junior grabs a convenient gun and blows away a dozen Aktaion guys then runs away. Jim beams with pride. That’s his boy.
Likewise, pregnant Eva tells Barbie that she wants to keep their baby for themselves, not give it to the Kinship. Barbie is relieved and promises that they can all run away together. Ah ha! She knew it! Barbie’s a traitor and Eva is a liar! She’s going to tell Christi… Oh snap, Barbie drugged her tea! Eva passes out. Barbie carries her to a car and calls Julia. Before Julia can tell him where to meet them, Jim interrupts. He still doesn’t trust Barbie. Julia sends him to a motel instead.
Julia arrives at the motel shortly after Barbie gets there. She tells him that he really ought to just leave Eva there because the Kinship will come looking for her. Barbie insists that he wants his baby.
Eva wakes up, and she’s decided to hold in the baby rather than let Barbie have it. Well, Barbie’s not having any of that. Screw you, bitch! You’re not keeping this baby! I’ll pull it out myself! Barbie flips up Eva’s gown, reaches up her vagina with both hands and yanks the baby out!
Yes, this really happens.
As a father of twins, I can assure you that this is not what the birthing experience was like for my children. I can’t speak for everyone, of course…
Oh, fucknuggets! Here come the whistling Pod People, walking towards the motel really, really slowly. Eva begs to hold the baby. It needs to be fed. (Is she sure? This thing’s the quietest newborn ever. It doesn’t make a peep.) Barbie hands the baby over and Eva starts breastfeeding, which causes all the veins in her body to glow pink. Barbie tries to take the baby back, but Eva channels her superhuman strength and tosses him straight out the motel window.
Julia rushes out to help him. Barbie, look! The Pod People are at least three steps closer to us than they were five minutes ago! We’ve got to go! Trust me, it’s totally OK for you to be a deadbeat dad in this situation. Everybody will understand.
Barbie and Julia run.
Back at Resistance HQ, Hektor confides in Jim. Now that the cure is a failure, the only solution is to murder everybody infected in order to prevent them from getting out once the dome comes down. Murder, you say? This makes Jim very happy. Lily, however, overhears the conversation and doesn’t like the idea.
Christine and the Pod People arrive at the motel and take their baby Queen. Finished eating, the baby has sucked all the alien right out of Eva. She returns to human again and is totally confused about where she is or what’s happening. Christine smothers her to death with a pillow while singing a lullaby to the baby. You’re useless to us now. BWAA-HAA-HAAA-HAAA!!
I must say, this is one of the craziest episodes of the show in a while. Is it good? Of course not. This is still ‘Under the Dome’. That question doesn’t even apply. But at least it’s more bonkers fun than usual.