I love bromantic comedies. They’re hilarious… usually. As you can tell from the trailers, that aspect of ‘This Means War’ works. Tom Hardy and Chris Pine play a perfect quarreling “old married couple” and it’s quite fun to watch. Unfortunately, absolutely everything else in the movie is stupid.

The plot: A brotherly couple of best friends fall for the same girl (Reese Witherspoon). Since they’re both high-ranking spies, they put their espionage powers to use to keep an eye on her, find out her likes and dislikes, and sabotage each other’s progress with her. May the best spy win.

Well, it’s obvious from the get-go that Hardy is the better man. He’s a genuinely good guy. Pine, on the other hand, is a womanizing playboy. Hardy simply has to be himself to win her over, while Pine has to lie to her to keep her around. Yet she enjoys both of them equally.

Now, let’s get into Witherspoon’s character. This woman is crazy. Literally. She’s a nut job. When she runs into an ex-boyfriend and his fiancée, she makes up a lame story about having a fake fiancé just to impress them. Yet when she meets cocky Pine, she puts on this pair of confident pants and calls him out on all his bull. So, which is it – is she the emotionally fragile pushover, or the tough as nails queen bitch? Good luck finding the answer to that question. You could argue about it for hours, but it’s not worth arguing for two seconds.

The only positive thing to come from ‘This Means War’ is that it makes the Swiss-cheese story of ‘Mr. & Mrs. Smith‘ seem Oscar-worthy. One of the world’s most dangerous criminals is after our leading duo, but that story is placed on the back burner for the romantic shenanigans.

I wish I could say that the action is at least decent, but it’s not. The stunts are nothing that you haven’t already seen in any of the ‘Mission: Impossible‘ movies, and the effects are Syfy Channel laughably bad.

The worst part of it all is Chelsea Handler. First off, she’s not funny. Yet just like Seth Rogen in every one of this movies, she’s allowed to ramble and rant like the words she’s spouting are comedic gold. In reality, nothing but unfunny crap flies out of her mouth. She’s terrible comedic relief. The banter between Pine and Hardy is far more entertaining than any single frame with Handler in it. She’s this gross piece of leather trying to be sexy and funny, neither of which she’s able to pull off.

Yes, McG, this does mean war. I walked away from ‘This Means War’ feeling dumber than I was before I saw it. This movie kills more brain cells than doing a full-can whip-it. I’d rather sit through ‘The Vow’ again than watch this disaster flick.

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