If you were hoping that Fox’s expensive new sci-fi adventure ‘Terra Nova’ might find its footing and start to improve after the dopey premiere, well, you’re going to have to keep hoping. The second episode (denoted “1.03,” because the two-hour pilot was technically considered two episodes) is no less cheesy than the first. In this one, the colonists have to play the most dangerous game of Angry Birds ever.
All poor Jim wants to do in ‘Instinct’ is make sweet, sweet love to his wife Elisabeth. It’s been about 85 million years since they did it last, and he’s got some serious blue balls. Unfortunately, having three kids and living in a small house with paper-thin walls isn’t conducive to foreplay. When he finally gets a moment with her, their tryst is interrupted by the piercing shrieks of some annoying birds (technically, they’re reptilian pterosaurs, but they look and act like featherless birds) that have perched outside his window. The species is unknown. I hereby officially dub it the Cockblockadactyl.
Jim also finds himself competing for his wife’s attention with her old college boyfriend Malcolm, a research scientist who was an early colonist at Terra Nova and recommended her for the assignment. Malcolm, you see, assumed that Jim would still be in prison, and that with 85 million years between the couple, he’d have a shot at winning Elisabeth back. Jim’s presence kind of puts a crimp in his plans.
It turns out that the
birdspterosaurs are dangerous in addition to being annoying. When provoked, they attack and eat their victims’ faces. Malcolm suggests trying not to upset them, but there’s little chance of that once it’s discovered that the Terra Nova colony was built smack dab on top of the birds’ (screw it, I’m calling them birds) breeding ground. Like Jim, they really want to get their groove on, and they aren’t as patient as he is. With millions of the little buggers on the way, the colonists have a serious problem on their hands. As Commander Taylor puts it: “Well, that’s not good.”
Taylor and Jim manage to capture male and female specimens still alive, so that Malcolm and Elisabeth can synthesize a super-potent pheromone that will lure the creatures away from the colony. While they work on this, the rest of the colony has to batten down the hatches as the birdpocalypse strikes. Thousands of the critters dive-bomb the colony. A few even get into Jim’s house and terrorize his kids.
Eventually, Elisabeth and Malcolm successfully synthesize the pheromone. Jim and Taylor load a big barrel of it into a truck and speed away, with swarms of the horny birds in hot pursuit. Later, they return unscathed, claiming that they jettisoned the barrel and left the birds to do their business in a new location as far away as they could manage. Malcolm explains that the next generation of birds will consider the new location to be their breeding ground, and shouldn’t bother the colony again.
The mission accomplished and the colony saved, Jim and Elisabeth are finally able to make some sexy sex time for themselves. As a consolation prize, Malcolm gets to name the new pterosaur species after himself… and then presumably slink off to a corner alone and masturbate himself to death.
- In an inconsequential subplot, Jim’s irritating teenage son wants to buy a guitar off a hippie, but can’t afford it on his meager latrine duty wages. So his new girlfriend just buys it for him while he continues to pine for his old girlfriend in the future. What a dipshit. I wish the birds had eaten his face off.
- Commander Taylor suspects that the Sixers still have a mole in his colony, so he assigns Jim to root the traitor out.
- Jason O’Mara spends a lot of time shirtless in this episode. His abs look like they’ve been painted on, don’t they?