Isn’t it great how much Frank tears down Dennis and Dee for not being his real kids? ‘The Gang Goes to the Jersey Shore’ opens with Frank, Mac and Charlie burning now-useless photos from his old family albums. Why keep photos of kids that aren’t your kids? When Dennis and Dee rescue pictures of beloved memories, they get nostalgic of their trips to the Jersey Shore, while Mac bashes it for being like the terrible television show. Since Charlie has never left Philly nor seen the ocean, Mac knocks him out so they can drag him there. Here’s to hoping ‘The Gang Goes to the Jersey Shore’ is half as good as season five’s ‘The Gang Hits the Road’ road trip episode.
Upon arriving at the Gang’s rinky dink “shithole” motel, Charlie and Mac simultaneously pounce on Dee’s braided hair, which Dennis defends as looking like Bo Derek’s. (The fact that the actors who play Mac and Dee are married in real life makes the brutal bashings even more fun.) No matter how much the other three try, they can’t break Dennis and Dee’s spirits – especially the ones they’re hiding in sunscreen bottles. That’s right, Dennis and Dee drink tequila from Banana Boat bottles.
As Charlie gets his first view of the Atlantic, he opens his mouth and says something that once again leads us to the conclusion that he might be retarded, not just uneducated: “What’s on the other side of it there?… How long would it take it swim?”
Aside from a “shit-ton” of stray dogs, Dennis, Dee and Charlie are the only two people strutting down the toxic, used needle-covered beach, so they head over to the boardwalk to find the action. Frank and Mac see the toxic warning signs and disregard it as “a bunch of liberal bullshit.” They take their places in the syringe-filled sand with a rum-soaked ham. You see, Frank prefers to eat his drinks. And to get away from the swarming dogs, they take their drunken lounging to open seas in a life raft. While this probably won’t turn out well for them, it’s going to be hilarious for us to watch.
When Dennis and Dee take Charlie to “where the action really happens,” under the boardwalk, he’s scarred by the homeless gay sex taking place there and heads off on his own.
Sunburned, dehydrated and semi-delirious, Mac and Frank wake up from their ham-drunken sleep with the beach out of sight – and Frank couldn’t be happier. “We’re gonna konk out for a while and let the current gently roll us back to shore.” But once he sees his rum ham drifting away like Wilson in ‘Cast Away,’ Frank’s spirits are broken.
Looking for some “good, wholesome above-the-boardwalk fun.” also drunk Dennis and Dee hop on a freefall ride where one of Dee’s braids is ripped from her head and Dennis vomits on himself in slow-motion. Classic ‘Sunny’ moment. The two people most excited to take the Gang to the Jersey Shore are now the two that can’t get away the fastest. After Dee gets her scalp sown back on, they plan to head out – but an invite from a shady drug addict distracts them.
Just as Mac and Frank become the most screwed, the “guidos” they judged the Jersey Shore for show up to the rescue.
Happily playing alone in the water, Charlie runs into the person he least expects to see – the Waitress. (Charlie and the Waitress are yet another married couple in real life, which makes their bad behavior even more hilarious.) After a nice little moment, she actually gives him the time of the day. Lo and behold, Charlie is going to be the only one to have something good come of this road trip.
After Dennis and Dee smoke angel dust with their new junkie buddies, a brilliant vacation montage begins. Dennis and Dee knock off a liquor store, people are shot and killed, Charlie and the Waitress play out a typical rom-com scene on the beach, and Frank and Mac get spray-on tans from ‘roided guidos. Turns out Mac and Frank are going to have a good time too! Dennis and Dee are the only ones who end up hating the trip.
Things are too good to be true for Charlie. When they wake up on the beach together, it’s revealed that the Waitress was high on ecstasy the whole time. After she comes to, freaks out and splits, Charlie optimistically believes, “I guess that’s just summer love.”
I will never be able to listen to the song “Under the Boardwalk” again without thinking of homeless gay sex. Thanks, ‘Sunny’.