In the aftermath of the Simian Apocalypse, a band of human survivors (comprised of engineers and scientists) build a spacecraft and flee the Planet of the Apes. Eventually, they find another habitable world that can support human life. Unfortunately, they soon discover that their new home is even worse than the old one, for they have landed on the Planet of the…
[Fill in the blank.]
M. Enois Duarte
After Taylor and Nova discover what’s left of the Statue of Liberty, they miraculously uncover a usable space shuttle, which Taylor quickly fixes to escape the ape-controlled planet. Sadly, instead of finding the wormhole that could take our hero back to his time era, the warped space-time bridge through which the couple travels is actually a shortcut to an alternate universe! What Taylor believes to be Earth is, in fact, another desert wasteland – this time governed by a society of men in drag.
On this ‘Planet of the Queens‘ (*Trademark pending*), those who refuse to dress in the appropriate attire are persecuted and imprisoned as zoo and circus pets, where they’re endlessly taunted for being freaks and weirdos, while the women live peacefully in the Amazon. The two societies only mix and mingle for social occasions and drink strawberry daiquiris until sunrise. On this planet, only one person is allowed to wear the tiara, Queen Supreme Mitzi, who looks and talks a lot like Agent Smith and who took the position after Queen Priscilla’s unfortunate mishap during a performance of Madonna’s “Like a Virgin.” His second in command is an aging but lovingly sweet man named Bernadette, who repeatedly yells at Taylor, “Kneel before Mitzi!”
I’d like to see a crossover with ‘Spaceballs’ that follows Dark Helmet and company after their crash landing on the Planet of the Apes. At some point in the movie, they escape on a crazy ape spacecraft and, after going plaid, they come to a planet that they all recognize. After safely landing, they walk out of their ship and realize that the ape ship made them travel forward in time. The planet they all once knew well is now the… ‘Planet of the Assholes‘. Dark Helmet exclaims, “I’m surrounded by Assholes!”
Pundits say that we may possibly be witnessing the death of baseball. Not so on the ‘Planet of the Bad News Bears‘! With a topography that features baseball diamonds full of beer cans and swimming pools full of baseballs, it’s a harsh planet for normal humans. Even worse are the teams of inept little tikes, all driven by drunken souses who look like Walter Mathau. Tim Burton is attached to direct while Helen Bonham Carter is set to play every role.
Chris Boylan (Big Picture Big Sound)
- ‘Planet of the Pompous Precocious Pregnant Teens‘ – I loved ‘Juno’, but imagine an entire planet of smart-talking, clever-beyond-their-years, enlarged, underage, unwed, soon-to-be baby mamas.
- ‘Planet of the Kung Fu Pandas‘ – One Po is quite enough, thanks.
- ‘Planet of the Soccer Moms‘ – Actually… I wouldn’t mind visiting that planet.
Adam Tyner (DVDTalk)
An elite team of astronauts is pushed past the breaking point by too many sequels, reboots, spin-offs and re-imaginings of ‘Planet of the Apes’. Hand in hand, they flee the only way they know how, taking to the heavens in search of civilizations more imaginative than the one in their rear view mirror. Alas, their escape from the ‘Planet of the Apes’ movies is short-lived. They crash land on what they at first believe to be another world, but it’s very much our own.
Over the years the astronauts traveled in space, these movies dominated the box office, to the point that it was a veritable conquest of the ‘Planet of the Apes’ franchise. Even ‘Transformers’ movies and mighty Marvel ranked beneath the ‘Planet of the Apes’ series when it came to the year-end box office standings. Every studio the world over tried to lay claim to the franchise, but all this battle for the ‘Planet of the Apes’ name accomplished was an inescapable glut of knockoffs and been-there-done-thats. Undeterred, audiences still threw fistfuls of cash at anything with sinister simians on the poster.
The conflict spread outside of courtrooms and cinemas, spilling into the streets. Wars raged. Countries fell. Mankind itself was snuffed out. All that remained were ‘Planet of the Apes’ movies. We’re not just talking about lifeless DVDs or 35mm reels, though. The franchise has gained sentience, perpetuating its species the only way it knows how: through more sequels, reboots, spin-offs and re-imaginings of ‘Planet of the Apes’. As the only humans remaining on the planet and untold millions of these movies unwatched, these astronauts make for the perfect captive audience. I give you… ‘Planet of the Planet of the Planet of the Apes‘!
I have a trilogy all mapped out, because of course everything needs to be a trilogy these days.
Part I: After escaping Earth, the ragtag human refugees arrive on a new world where sentient life has not evolved from animals, but from plants. Lowly moss and weeds are herded as cattle. Carrots and beets are domesticated as pets. At the top of the food chain, the world is dominated by the powerful and intelligent fruit. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the ‘Planet of the Grapes‘!
Part II: Hunted by their juicy purple overlords for years, the few remaining humans manage to forge a colony for themselves in a harsh desert where no vegetation grows. Unfortunately, a punishing drought kills off the last of the scorpions and iguanas that make up their food supply. In desperation, the survivors bundle all of their possessions into an old jalopy and make a dangerous trek halfway across the continent towards a promised land where they’ve heard that other humans thrive in prosperity. Will they make it? Can they survive the ‘Planet of the Grapes of Wrath‘?
Part III: Battered by brutal sandstorms, our heroes stumble upon what looks like a storage container. Markings show that it comes from their own homeworld of Earth. In fact, sheltering inside are another group of humans. Could these be much-needed allies? Oh, wait! These are no scientists or engineers like themselves. These are warriors – genetically engineered for superior strength and stamina. Their leader is a military genius who has gone deranged from years in isolation and seeks revenge against the starship captain who left him stranded here. Beyond the moons of Nibia, around the Antares Maelstrom and through Perdition’s flames, we have arrived at the ‘Planet of the Grapes of Wrath of Khan‘!!!
If these three are successful enough to warrant a fourquel, the entire cast of characters will meet up with Robbie the Robot for… well, I bet you can figure that one out yourself.
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