Movie Madness: Blade vs. Shrek – Morpheus vs. Kahm

Monday’s Movie Madness matchups were pretty lopsided battles. Horror mainstay Freddy Krueger easily dispatched of Frank Martin. Apparently, Martin fell asleep and couldn’t transport himself out of the dream before Freddy got hold of him. Then Hannibal Lecter easily moved onto the next round by literally eating Captain Hook for breakfast. Today we have vampire slayer Blade going up against the gigantic green ogre Shrek. Capping off the first round for the VHS bracket, we’ll have Morpheus going up against Muay Tai fighter Kahm. If you don’t know who that is, read on.

At the outset, this may seem like a strange, perhaps uneven battle. Blade takes out bloodsuckers for a living, while Shrek spends most of his time in fairy tale land. However, upon closer inspection, Shrek is more than capable at handling himself – being an ogre and all.

Blade – Blade comes armed with everything one would need for dispatching the bloodsucking undead, plus a badass glare that works even though he’s always wearing those sweet sunglasses.

Strengths: He’s a vampire himself, so he’s got all sorts of neat-o powers, not to mention that he’s fantastic with any sort of weapon he gets his hands on. However, most of his gear is specialized for killing vampires. Will it work against an ogre?

Weaknesses: Being a human-vampire hybrid has its drawbacks. Sunlight, garlic, and silver can do him in.

Shrek – Shrek is armed with nothing but his gargantuan size and his permeating odor. Sure, he spends most of his time frolicking with fairy tale characters, but he’s shown that he can handle himself whenever it comes to hand-to-hand combat.

Strengths: Shrek is an ogre, after all. He doesn’t need much more than his size to overcome opponents. He’s also quite adept at WWE-style wrestling.

Weaknesses: Shrek is a good guy at heart, and might not find it within himself to kill another person.

Blade vs. Shrek

  • Blade (82%, 84 Votes)
  • Shrek (18%, 18 Votes)

Total Voters: 102

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When I started listing characters who should be in this tournament, I wanted to put in some dark horse picks that might surprise people and end up causing some upsets. A few people have asked if Kahm was a typo for Khan from ‘The Wrath of Khan’. It’s not a typo. Kahm is one of my out-of-nowhere additions to the tournament, one who may hopefully be able to shake things up a bit. It was coincidence however that Kahm, a master of the martial arts, is going up against Morpheus, another martial arts enthusiast.

Morpheus – Captain of the Nebuchadnezzar, leader of the rebellion against the machines, and searcher for The One.

Strengths: Within the Matrix, Morpheus is damn near unstoppable. He can download information about weapons, fighting styles, and just about anything else with relative ease.

Weaknesses: Outside of the Matrix, he’s much more vulnerable.

Kahm – We don’t normally do this around here, but I’d like to post a video clip of Kahm doing his thing. Kahm is the main character from ‘The Protector‘, played by martial arts expert Tony Jaa. Just take a look at this scene and watch what Kahm can do. Notice how many cuts there are in this four-minute fight scene. That’s right, there aren’t any! He did this all in one take!

Strengths: You just saw it. He could easily take on non-Matrix Morpheus.

Weaknesses: He can’t go into The Matrix, and if he did, Morpheus might have an advantage.

Morpheus vs. Kahm

  • Morpheus (52%, 54 Votes)
  • Kahm (48%, 49 Votes)

Total Voters: 103

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  1. Shrek should have the advantage over Blade. Blade is sensitive to garlic and sunlight. What does Shrek eat and stuff? He has got to OOZE garlic! If the two were put head to head, I am sure Shrek would squeeze out Blades eyes and eat them on toast!

  2. The first match is no contest at all. I don’t even like the Blade movies, but Blade would literally eat Shrek for lunch.

    The second match is tougher. Sure, Morpheus was pretty intimidating in the first Matrix movie, but he put on 100 pounds between movies and became really, really boring. Meanwhile, The Protector is overall a really terrible movie, but that particular fight scene is pretty much the most badass thing ever.

    Advantage: Kahm.

    • Morpheus became dull in the second and third films as a way to defeat his enemies. Ever hear the phrase “bored to death”? Morpheus makes it a reality.

      • Let’s just say it like it is – the second and third films are boring, and has nothing to do with the characters and actors, but rather bad screenplays.

    • The thing that gets me every time is the part where the camera spins around and he’s gone, then it tilts up and he’s doing a split in the tiny rafter above the doorway. How the hell did he do that in the 5 seconds since we last saw him? This movie couldn’t afford CGI or seamless editing. He did it all for real on camera.

      • Aaron Peck

        If we did a tournament of best fight choreographers, whoever did ‘The Protector’ wins my vote every time. I’m amazed every time I watch that entire scene.

      • Aaron Peck

        And I must say that some of those stunt men have balls of freaking steal. When he chucks that guy off the banisters and he falls through that roof, how many things could have gone wrong there? Also the guy kicked through the banister and falls all the way to the ground? How did they not end up with 5 – 6 dead stunt men after that scene was over?

  3. Rudy

    Wait a minute. The weaknesses for Blade are all wrong. He’s the daywalker so sun isn’t an issue, neither is garlic.

    And silver? Same thing he’s got all of the Vampire strengths but none of their weaknesses other than the thirst!

    Anyway easy win for Blade

    • Aaron Peck

      If I remember right, he was still sensitive to those elements (although they weren’t deadly), but I could be wrong. I haven’t seen ‘Blade’ for quite a long time.

      • No, he definitely didn’t have any of those weaknesses in the movies. Hes walked through sunlight, was staked and didn’t die and the tagline is “all of their strengths and none of their weaknesses”. The only weakness he has is “the thirst” which is usually turned into a strength in the films (weakened, he succumbs to his thirst, drinks blood and is more powerful than ever). So maybe he gives into the weakness and drinks shrek’s blood becoming even more powerful form Ogre blood?

  4. RBBrittain

    Shrek vs. Blade: No contest. Only way Shrek *might* win is if it was last night’s NCAA women’s final, with Danielle Adams as Shrek and Skylar Diggins as Blade. 😉 Seriously, what’s Shrek’s killing power? Odor? If this was a nice-guy tournament, I’d go for Shrek; but it’s a “tournament o’death”, so Blade wins–even if the match were held in Federal prison (thanks to Wesley Snipes’ tax troubles).

    Morpheus vs. Kahm: Yes, I thought it MIGHT be Khan (though I also had a funny feeling it was someone like this), but no matter: If martial arts awesomeness meant anything in this tournament, The Bride would have taken out Han Solo like a Veg-O-Matic. As is it, Kahm (or Khan or almost anyone else) would likely have to enter the Matrix to fight Morpheus (and his fanboys), and there he has a clear advantage. Morpheus FTW.

    • EM

      Neither Kahm nor Khan nor Kong would have to enter the Matrix to fight Morpheus; as I recall, Morpheus is a flesh-and-blood being, and I imagine Kahm could easily kick his flesh bloody. (Especially if Morpheus were jacked in at the time… :P)

  5. nagar

    I can’t believe Morph is beating Kahm. I can only think of two reasons.

    1-Awesome clip, but the more impressive fight is when he takes on a room full of dudes and literally breaks every bone in their bodies.(cause they killed his elephant)

    2-I guess people don’t think Morph is capable of stealing/harming an elephant. But if he ever did steal or harm Kahm’s elephant…..RIP!

    Plus he gets down to business.
    -Where’s my elephant!
    -You stole my elephant!
    -…… elephant!

    You hear that, you know you’re about to get your ass kicked.