Monster Madness: Grendel vs. Predator – Gamera vs. Balrog

It didn’t look good for Godzilla going into the Monster Madness tournament’s Slimy Sixteen. The Blob seemed unbeatable. However, it turns out that radioactive breath does wonders against ever-expanding ooze. Also, there’s one less evil doll in the world thanks to a flock of ravenous birds.

Both of these monsters hunt, but in different ways. Predator enjoys tracking his prey, methodically destroying its mental state before he strikes. Grendel is more of a smash-and-grab type of guy. He just barrels his way into a village and starts eating poor villagers. Which hunting method will come out on top?

Predator – It’s been a while since we last heard from the alien hunter. He’s had a tough road up to this point. He faced Pale Man in the first round. If any monster in this tournament should make other monsters shit their pants, it’d be Pale Man. Predator, even with his grotesque mandibles and reptilian appearance, would look at Pale Man and say, “Now that’s messed up!” After facing down an unadulterated nightmare, Predator next took on Satan himself and came out victorious. So, he’s defeated pure evil and evil incarnate. Is there anything Predator can’t kill?

Secret Weapon: He has the advantage of space-age sci-fi gadgetry like sweet weapons, invisibility, heat vision and the ability to track and kill anything, anywhere, anytime.

Grendel – The revolting monstrous fable has survived in this tournament for this long simply by crushing skulls before his gets crushed. He doesn’t have any special skills other than being strong and mean.

Secret Weapon: An insatiable thirst for wanton destruction.



Grendel vs. Predator

  • Predator (94%, 61 Votes)
  • Grendel (6%, 4 Votes)

Total Voters: 65

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I feel like throwing up my hands and saying, “Who the hell knows?!” A demonic spirit from Middle Earth goes face-to-shell with a deadly turtle that can hurtle itself through space with rockets in its butt. I can tell that this match-up will come down to the wire.

Balrog – Now that’s one mythical flaming badass! One wonders what destruction the Balrog could’ve caused if it hadn’t met its fate by confronting a wizard. I long for a spin-off ‘Lord of the Rings’ movie where a Balrog escapes and wreaks havoc on humanity and those damned smug elves.

Secret Weapon: Two words: Flaming whip.



Gamera – We’ve covered, ad nauseam, the fact that Gamera has a rocket-boosting ass. I still wonder where he continuously fills up with jet fuel. I also know that there’s a fart joke to be made here, but I’m above such sophomoric humor.

Secret Weapon: Ah, who am I kidding? Ass rockets! That’s the single most awesome power in the tournament.



Gamera vs. Balrog

  • Balrog (52%, 34 Votes)
  • Gamera (48%, 31 Votes)

Total Voters: 65

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  1. Rcorman

    Seriously, what is that flaming whip going to do to a 200 foot tall mutated Turtle?

    Also, Gamera really likes the heat, so a firey Balrog is not going to hurt him all that much.

  2. William Henley

    I really like Balrog, but if he can be taken down by a hundred-ish-year-old wizard (not even a white wizard but a gray wizard), then he doesn’t stand a chance against Gamera.

    • EM

      Going by votes, the consensus on Gamera–Balrog is currently 50-50. It’d sure be nice if at least one Balrog supporter articulated a rationale.

      • William Henley

        I’m willing to bet that the Balrog supporters don’t have a rationale other than the special effects were better and Balrog just looks cooler.

        • Rcorman

          Interesting point. I wonder if the picture they are using for Gamera is having an effect on the voting. If the modern/cooler version of Gamera was shown, would more people be inclined to vote for him?

          • Aaron Peck

            I never intend for the pictures to convey bias. I’m just trying to get new pics each round so they don’t become stale. However, I can see how people may be swayed by this picture in particular.

  3. JR

    I voted for Balrog, but not because I’m an LOTR fanboy or the cooler look.

    I gave the edge to Balrog because I think he would have a slightly better offense, but I honestly think this is about as close to a stalemate as you’re likely to get.

    I don’t know how a wizard beating Balrog helps Gamera, because Gamera isn’t a wizard. Balrog has flames and a whip, Gamera has heat resistance and a defensive shell. Gamera can breathe flames/plasma, but what use is that against a living flame? As cool as ass rockets are, how do they help to produce a win? Maybe with enough hits with his whip Balrog can break down the shell and leave Gamera vulnerable. That last one is my tie-breaker. A big ‘ol maybe.

    Like I said above: stalemate. I seriously think this thing gets reduced to the monster equivalent of a schoolyard slap fight.

    • Consider this: If they’re anywhere near a body of water, Gamera can use his shell to protect him from the flaming whips and his ass rockets to ram into Balrog, pushing him into the water and extinguishing him. As a turtle, Gamera of course thrives in water.

      • JR

        I can see that. I was thinking it through with just a regular landscape.

        Also, I was thinking we should clarify that Balrog wasn’t outright beat by a wizard. That was basically a draw since Gandalf also died.