Now Playing: The Most Miserable Kids’ Movie of Them All

Look, I know that kids’ movies can’t always be expected to entertain the adults as well as the children, but with quality family entertainment almost consistently being pumped out by Disney, Pixar and DreamWorks, the need to entertain both audiences has never been greater. If all kids’ movies resembled ‘Alvin and the Chipmunks‘, then parents would have to take their kids to see those terrible movies, because they’d be the only option. But movies from those other studios provide a happy medium – a happy medium that ‘Mirror Mirror’ obviously isn’t aiming for.

First off, there’s no reason why ‘Mirror Mirror’ should be a live-action movie. The content is so absurdly juvenile that it only belongs in animation. I feel the only reason that the filmmakers went with live-action was so that Tarsem Singh could go ahead and make a visually stunning movie. If the guy would put the same amount of effort into his direction that he puts into design, then he might actually make a movie worth watching. ‘Mirror Mirror’ is all style and no soul.

The first of this year’s Snow White movies isn’t much of a traditional Snow White movie at all. Instead, it’s like a mix of ‘Tangled‘ and ‘Robin Hood‘. Princess Snow White’s evil stepmother (Julia Roberts) took over as ruler when her father, the king, went missing in the woods. Snow (Lily Collins, the bushy-eyebrowed daughter of Phil Collins) has been locked away and belittled while the icy queen has taxed her people into poverty. On her 18th birthday, Snow realizes how much the vanity of the queen has cost the kingdom and seeks a prince to help take the throne back.

Threatened by Snow, the queen orders her footman (Nathan Lane) to kill the girl, but he’s unable to follow through due to her beauty… which I can’t see through those unkempt eyebrows. Ditched in the woods, Snow is taken in by seven dwarfs, none of which carry the traditional names. They now have names like “Fox” and “Hunter” and wear swanky stilts that make them appear as gymnast giants. After only one day of training, Snow and the dwarfs begin a swashbuckling lifestyle of stealing from the queen and giving back to the impoverished kingdom.

What’s a fairy tale without a prince? Snow meets Prince Alcott (Armie Hammer) for two brief moments, but the two fall head-over-heels in love with one another in traditional fairy tale manner. Wanting the prince’s money, the queen also seeks the affection of Alcott, so it’s a mother/daughter battle for love.

I cannot put into words how miserable a moviegoing experience I had with ‘Mirror Mirror’. I’d literally rather have food poisoning than have to watch this garbage again. I wish seven years of bad luck on anyone associated with the production. If it’s so dreadful, why am I giving it one star? Production value. The movie looks gorgeous, with the exception of the ridiculous Bollywood musical number that closes it out. Had it not been for the look of the movie, I’d give it a zero star rating. In one scene, the queen gets a makeover. As bird poo is rubbed on Roberts’ face, I couldn’t help but note that scene as a metaphor for what it’s like to sit through ‘Mirror Mirror’.

As much as I hated the movie, I know that my four-year-old daughter would love it. However, my daughter also loves everything Pixar (with the exception of the ‘Cars‘ movies). Therefore, I’m going to keep her good tastes going by not exposing her to this dreadful disaster. I can honestly say that I’ve never looked forward to a Kristen Stewart movie more than I do now. Bring on ‘Snow White and the Huntsman’! It can’t be worse than this.

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆


    • JM

      ‘Mirror Mirror’ is based on the Brothers Grimm source, and has nothing to do with the Gregory Maguire revisionist version.

      And despite the trailers, it is not a reboot of ‘Mirror, Mirror,’ the 1990s horror series by Marina Sargenti, including ‘Mirror, Mirror 2: Raven Dance,’ ‘Mirror, Mirror III: The Voyeur,’ and ‘Mirror, Mirror IV: Reflection.’

      In fact, I’m not certain that ‘Mirror Mirror’ can even be defined as a movie. It might be better to think of it as a theme park based fashion show.

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