March Movie Madness: Voldemort vs. Montana – Kimball vs. Tannen

Who would’ve thought that our closest fight yet in March Movie Madness would be between Judge Doom and William Wallace? The two ran neck and neck during the entire voting period, but Judge Doom finally squeaked out a narrow victory at the end. On the opposite side of the bracket, Scott Pilgrim handed a vicious loss to Lincoln Hawk and his backwards-facing hat. Today, we’re taking a look at one matchup in the VHS Bracket and one in the DVD Bracket.

Well, here’s an evil matchup if there ever was one. The dark wizard of all the world faces off against the most insane drug dealer we’ve ever had the pleasure of watching. While Voldemort is armed with a wand and pure hatred for Harry Potter, Tony Montana is defended simply by his “little friend.” Some may say that magic beats out everything, but let’s just remember that after seven years, Voldemort still couldn’t defeat a nerdy little English kid.

Voldemort – It’s easy to see why Voldemort had his name changed. Tom Marvolo Riddle just never exuded that evilness he was so desperately trying to exude. In any case, Voldemort comes into this tournament with a very big advantage. The dude can do magic. An “abracadabra” here and a little “hocus pocus” there, and suddenly you’re a newt without knowing exactly what hit you.

Strengths: Knows magic. Actually, knows black magic, which (let’s face it) is the coolest kind of magic. It never wins in the end (which is something to keep in mind, I guess), but it always has the neatest applications. Is a Parseltongue, so he can speak to snakes and all that. If he was going up against Indiana Jones, this would be an almost overwhelming power, right?

Weaknesses: English kids with glasses and inconvenient plot devices that seem to always turn his own plans on his head. He’s far too power hungry, and it always clouds his vision.

Tony Montana – You don’t get to the top of the drug business without being a complete heartless bastard. Mr. Montana probably has the least amount of goodness in his heart than anyone in this tournament. That’s saying a lot, as he’s going up against the darkest wizard ever.

Strengths: Complete and utter insanity. Like I said, crazy can make a person do a lot of things, especially in a tournament to the death.

Weaknesses: Also suffers from power hunger. Will both of these guys be so power hungry that they end up writing themselves right out of the tournament? Oh, and he’s not impervious to shotguns either. Ouch.

Voldemort vs. Tony Montana

  • Voldemort (56%, 86 Votes)
  • Tony Montana (44%, 68 Votes)

Total Voters: 154

Loading ... Loading ...

Looking over the entire tournament, this is quite possibly my favorite matchup. I threw these two guys into the tournament as more or less fillers. (So sue me. It was getting increasingly difficult to think up different characters.) I couldn’t have imagined they’d be playing each other in the first round. Neither of them has any discernable fighting skills. Neither of them is an iconic action hero. They’re just two dudes. One is searching for his wife; the other is searching for Marty McFly.

Dr. Richard Kimball – His wife got murdered, and he got pinned for the crime. Due to a well-timed train derailment, Kimball was able to escape police custody and go on a manhunt for his wife’s true killer. This guy’s got moxy!

Strengths: He’s a tenacious evader. He evaded Tommy Lee Jones for almost an entire movie, even though Jones searched every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse in the area. He’s a wily detective. Figuring a way out of a tough spot is his specialty.

Weaknesses: One armed men. They’re his arch nemeses.

Biff Tannen – There’s been quite a few Biffs through the ages. I guess it’s up to you to pick which one you’re going to use in this fight. There’s ’50s Biff, who’s buff and dumb. There’s old Biff, who’s got that sweet cane shaped like a fist. There’s modern day Biff, who waxes cars. There’s Wild West Biff, who’s not really Biff, but he’s played by the same guy. Alternate ’80s Biff is a gambling kingpin. Finally there’s Biff’s future kid, Griff. Technically, I guess you could use him for this tournament, although some may argue that he’s a different character entirely.

Strengths: Big, muscular, and dumb. Stupidity can actually be an asset because you never know what your limits are, so you’re always testing them.

Weaknesses: McFlys (or is it McFlies?) and manure. He hates manure.

Dr. Richard Kimball vs. Biff Tannen

  • Dr. Richard Kimball (64%, 94 Votes)
  • Biff Tannen (36%, 53 Votes)

Total Voters: 147

Loading ... Loading ...


  1. Alex

    Okay, so even though I voted for Zurg over Potter, it appears that Potter has triumphed over Zurg and his torso vaporizing awesomeness. That being the case, Voldemort is now essentially immortal as his final horcrux lives on, which means that even an introduction to Tony Montana’s little friend won’t bring him down.

    Biff’s a bully, but ultimately a coward. Richard Kimball, on the other hand, performed surgery on himself. Then he, U.S. Marshals’ Most Wanted Fugitive, had the balls to walk into Cook County Hospital, had the cajones to march into the County Jail under surveillance, and even had the…. chutzpah, shall we say, to take a flying leap off of a waterfall. Kimball is one daring SOB, and I think, in the end, that’s what will count against Biff.

  2. Voldemort vs Tony isn’t even a fair fight, no contest there. Biff vs Kimball is a great one, I hope this ends up close. I went with Biff simply because I think face to face he’d have the upper hand, unless Kimball gets his hand on a hover board and some manure of course.

      • Alex

        I’m picturing Biff driving off a cliff after Kimball. Then I’m picturing Kimball surviving and Biff, well, not so much…

        • Biff wouldn’t die. If the BTTF movies taught us anything, it’s that there will always be a conveniently placed manure pile for him to land in so that history can repeat itself. Granted that same statement could prove that Biff is always destined to lose, but with as many iterations and alternate reality versions of himself to choose from, I have to think he’d exhaust Kimball in the end.

          • Alex

            Ah, but I believe the rules of the competition imply a single throwdown (Aaron, correct me if I’m wrong). If that’s the case, then once he’s in the manure pile, he’s down for the count. History doesn’t get a chance to repeat itself.

            Now, we could discuss this using the multiple worlds theory and say that the Law of Large Numbers suggests that in one of those universes, Biff avoids the manure pile and is able to turn Richard Kimball into street pizza, but now we’re getting a bit silly, don’t you think?

  3. Voldemort has already shown that he has no problems when it comes to quick disposal of Muggles.

    As for Kimball vs. Biff, I think Eimball’s smarts give him the edge. Plus he beat up the one-armed man on the train and pounded his semi-conscious head against the door. And Biff got beat up by George McFly. I think this match easily goes to Kimball. (I’m sure Dr. Kimball can find some way to dump manure on Biff’s head…)

  4. Aaron Peck

    The contest I thought wouldn’t be close, is and the one that I thought would be close isn’t. Crazy how this tournament is shaking out already.

  5. i’d love to see Biff advance, solely due to the WTF factor, but that is a great match, Fugitive good guy vs BTTF bad guy.

    as for the above, i pray for plane crash that kills both. sadly, that can’t happen, so voldemort. solely because i fucking hate scarface.

  6. Seriously, the Voldermort versus Tony is that close? I think someone is multiple-voting (not that hard to do – not that I am doing it)for the underdogs just to throw controversy into this thing.

  7. Rudy

    I picked Voldemort. Let’s face it. The man will probably deflect bullets and rockets without flinching, or turn said ammo into something harmless and then be free to use a spell against Tony.

    Kimball outfoxed a smart Federal Agent and was just too smart for Biff to handle.

  8. Aaron Peck

    According to Wikipedia JK Rowling said Voldemort was originally supposed to be pronounced with a silent “t”, like a French name. Now the question is, if Voldemort were French would that make him less likely to kill anyone before simply retreating?


    • Alex

      But Voldemort himself isn’t French, even if he has a French name. He’s English. Once more unto the breach, dear friends!! We band of brothers!!! Rule Britannia!!!! Cry God for Harry, England, and Saint George!!!!!