March Movie Madness: Solo vs. The Bride – Tallahassee vs. Maximus

In Wednesday’s March Movie Madness poll, Darth Vader easily bested John Rambo with his galactic badass-ness and his dark force tactics. Even with all his Earthly weapons knowledge, Rambo was just no match for Vader’s mastery of the darker aspects of The Force. The battle between Fox and Anton Chigurh was much closer. They went neck and neck, but Fox ended up pulling it out at the end by displaying supreme assassin skills. Today we’ll take a look at VHS Bracket to see if Han Solo’s intergalactic coolness is any match for The Bride’s Hanzo steel. From the DVD Bracket, we have a wonderful matchup for everyone to fight over: Zombie-killing Tallahassee goes toe-to-toe with the gladiator of gladiators, Maximus.

Han Solo represents all that is cool in the universe, but The Bride took on the entire Deadly Viper Assassination Squad and ended up getting her very bloody revenge. Will Solo’s blaster techniques and utter coolness be enough for him to overcome one of the baddest chicks we’ve ever seen in cinema?

Han Solo – He answers to no man. Without a care in the galaxy, Solo flies the Millennium Falcon from planet to planet, smuggling anything and everything with his first mate Chewbacca at his side. Armed with a blaster and sardonic wit, Solo helped Luke Skywalker and the Rebel Alliance fight against Darth Vader and the Galactic Empire.

Strengths: He’s just so cool. Is there a fictional character in the known universe that is as effortlessly awesome as Han Solo? I don’t think so. He’s also a master with his blaster. (No, that wasn’t supposed to be a masturbatory reference; you all have dirty, dirty minds.)

Weaknesses: Carbonite. If it weren’t for his helpful friends, he would have been sealed in that stuff forever.

The Bride – Left for dead by the gang of assassins she once counted as friends, The Bride was forced to seek revenge after she regained consciousness from her coma. The trail of dismembered bodies she left along the way is an awe-inspiring sight. Sorry Kobe, but there’s only one Black Mamba, and she could kick your ass.

Strengths: What isn’t she good at? She’s a master of weapons, both swords and guns. She’s a superior martial artist. She’s the only one in this tournament who’s dispatched 88 sword-wielding foes in one fell swoop. Oh, and she punched her way out of a coffin. Take that, Ryan Reynolds.

Weaknesses: Bullets to the head will weaken her, maybe even put her in a coma, but they won’t stop her completely. Shot gun blasts of rock salt to the stomach can also be used to immobilize her.

Han Solo vs. The Bride

  • Han Solo (69%, 79 Votes)
  • The Bride (31%, 35 Votes)

Total Voters: 114

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Ancient Roman times collide with a modern day zombie apocalypse in our next match. Both men are driven by the fact that they lost their families at the hands of their mortal enemies. Fun-loving, free-wheeling, ass-kicking Tallahassee goes up against ever-so-serious Maximus in a duel to the death. Yes, Tallahassee has the advantage of guns, but Maximus can throw his sword really, really far.

Tallahassee – Lost his son to the zombie apocalypse. He simply enjoys killing zombies now. It’s all he lives for. There’s nothing much more to Mr. Tallahassee.

Strengths: Inventiveness. Not only does he dispatch the undead with numerous guns and automatic weapons, but he also uses hedge trimmers and a banjo to get the job done. He enjoys what he does.

Weaknesses: He’s really a big softy inside. He tries to make up for this with his hardened exterior, but we all know that he’s easily persuaded to help those in need.

Maximus – Lost his son and wife to Rome’s tyrannical ruler. He was once a great general in the Roman army, but was suddenly sold into slavery. Not to be deterred, he worked his way up through the ranks of gladiators in order to get his bloody revenge.

Strengths: He’s a skilled and battle-tested warrior. He can plan and execute an attack with precision. Also, remember what I said: He can throw his sword really, really far.

Weaknesses: Wound infections. They can knock him out for days.

Tallahassee vs. Maximus

  • Maximus (60%, 68 Votes)
  • Tallahassee (40%, 45 Votes)

Total Voters: 113

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  1. My vote is simple, and a commonality between the two:

    gun beats sword.

    Tallahassee isn’t a bad ass, but if he can survive zombie armageddon, he can survive a dude who has a sword.

    Han Solo and The Bride, hand to hand, yeah, Bride wins, but Han is great at shooting while running. he can also just chill in the Falcon and fry her in a few seconds. or while she sits him down to talk, just blow the fuck out of her from under the table.

    • Aaron Peck

      I see your point Nate, but could one counter and say that a blaster gun is very different from a regular gun? In that you can see the blast coming towards you and it’s slow enough that you can do something about it.

      • Alex

        I gotta agree with Nate on this one. The blaster sends out a ray that you can see, but no one without the Force ever seems to dodge them (the Stormtroopers just keep missing).

        I think it’s a solid argument. Gun shoots sword, sword slices paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard poisons Spock. Tricky to argue.

  2. The Bride vs. Han Solo is a tough one. I went with The Bride just because she’s ultimately more relentless and determined to win. Solo was a big ol’ softy by the end of the trilogy.

    Had to go with Tallahassee in the second match, mainly just because I hate Gladiator and want to see that get knocked out of contention quickly. I even would’ve voted for Teddy from A.I. if that had been the only competition there. 🙂

  3. Rudy

    Picked the Bride over Solo. She just can’t be stopped and can Kill Solo in so many ways before he can even raise the blaster. Exploding heart technique anyone?

    Maximus over Tallahassee. Maximus has the military experience against living, thinking enemy forces. On top of that as a general he is a master of strategy and would come up with a plan that would lead to Tallahassee’s demise.

  4. HuskerGuy

    The Bride and Maximus for me.

    Went with the Bride as she would likely lure Solo in with her sexiness and take Solo’s blaster out of play. Once up close Solo doesn’t have a chance.

    Maximus because Tallahassee is a bit wild and is only used to shooting the undead. I think Maximus would outwit him in the end.

    • EM

      …she would likely lure Solo in with her sexiness…

      I suspect you have that backwards. Solo has already proven himself capable of melting an ice princess. 😛

    • a 60-40 is hardly full force. also, star wars fans aren’t all nerds.

      the guy has a gun, and is good with it. he’s quick witted, cruel, and a natural leader. he has held his own numerous times. so why is it a stretch to think a guy WITH A GUN can beat a woman with a SWORD?

      that’s not nerds in any force. force, haha star wars. that’s LOGIC.

      • DP

        So in your argument gun automatically beats sword, but Maximus is beat Tallahassee. Explain that one to me. Star Wars nerds IS the answer.

        • Tallahassee is a soft hearted doof that happens to be better with a shotgun than Jesse Eisenberg. That doesn’t exactly set him apart as a badass.

          The Bride is motivated by revenge. That’s part of what makes her so awesome. What possible reason could there be for revenge against a dude she never met that lived a long time ago in a galaxy far far away?

          Also, The Bride is a talker – we’ve already seen what happens if you give Han a chance to take you out while you’re busy talking.

          • “We’ve already seen what happens if you give Han a chance to take you out while you’re busy talking.”

            Yeah, he winds up hugging a teddy bear. 🙂

  5. Ivan Gomez

    It is OK, Han wins today shooting first but now with a blurred face from bride´s POV… But in 2015 tournament she will wake up and slash him good.

    Guns are logic, and she deserves to die… but then again so does he.

    kiddo and maximus (sorry Josh)

  6. RBBrittain

    Han is a softie; The Bride would slice and dice him like a Veg-O-Matic (not to mention at least a dozen other ways she could kill him). And since Maximus ain’t a zombie, he’ll take out Tallahassee easily.

  7. Han wins easily… He’s Han Solo! The guy has a Wookie sidekick, for starters. Chewie would probably swipe the Bride’s head off with a paw, before she even got to Han, while they were on their way to the Cantina for a brew… 😉

    I voted Maximus… Regardless of thoughts on the film, he’s a Roman general who’s fought numerous wars against raging blood-lusting barbarian hoards that would eat Zombie’s for breakfast. Vs a Zombie killer who though fun, was dimwitted enough to hook up with Eisenberg (which knocks anyone down a few nothces), and thus lose his car twice. He’s lucky, more than anything. Maximus would probably die from a shotgun wound when taking him down, but he’d manage it without even trying, whilst wading through a non-existent corn field. Heck, he’d probably rally the Zombie hoard into a coherent army with a rousing speech about life-after-brain-eating, and once they’re organised, Tallahassee wouldn’t stand a chance! 😉