‘The Last Ship’ 2.13 Recap: “St. Louis or Bust”

Make no mistake, last week’s episode of ‘The Last Ship’ was the season finale in every important sense. That the producers threw together one more episode and TNT aired it over Labor Day weekend is a contractual obligation, nothing more.

With the evil sub sunk and both of the Bruvs (presumed) dead, there’s nothing left for the Last Ship to do except take a victory lap. In this case, said lap brings the boat straight up the Mississippi River so that Mr. President can make a series of early campaign stops (never too soon to start stumping) and the crew can spread the cure to the populace. One complication with this is that the cure is only contagious for five to six days per person, and you only get one shot to do it each. The crew needs to cure as many people as possible very quickly or it won’t spread far enough to take root.

Dr. Hottie gives lessons in the most effective method of transmitting the anti-virus, which mostly entails sticking your face directly on top of someone else’s and breathing heavily up their nose. In case that’s not weird or awkward enough, licking them would also work.

After the sub sank, most of the Immune leaders gave up the cause and disbanded. However, a few sects remain as determined as ever. The new Grand Wizard of the Immune movement is a guy named Kevin McDowell. He’s a serious dick. Even after Mr. President offers him a full pardon if he’ll just go away, McDowell plots to stop the Navy from spreading the cure.

Master Chief receives a call on the radio from his in-laws asking him if they should drive to the Last Ship’s first stopover destination to get the cure. Over an open channel, he tells them to stay put where they are because he doesn’t know that it will be safe. That was a mistake. Other people listening to the channel hear him say this, and basically nobody shows up at the first port in Vicksburg. Mr. President is pissed when he finds out what happened.

Tex informs the Cap’n and Dr. Hottie that he needs to leave as soon as the Last Ship docks so that he can go find his daughter. Didn’t we already go through this storyline once before? I think he says that she’s in Florida, which (even if we’re talking the Panhandle) doesn’t particularly strike me as being a short driving distance from Mississippi, yet he seems to get there in about ten minutes.

McDowell and his henchman Hayseed (I swear, this guy looks like he was rejected from the cast of ‘Hee Haw’ for being too much of a stereotype) round up a bunch of Sickies and truck them to Memphis in order to spread the virus there and blame it on the Navy.

Tex learns that his ex was murdered, but his daughter is still alive. Unfortunately, he just missed her. She drove to Memphis to get cured. D’oh! He should have just stayed on the ship. On the way back, Tex comes across a Sickie who escaped from the Immunes. Once he realizes what the Immunes are up to, he radios to the Cap’n to give him a heads-up.

Somehow, Tex drives to Memphis from Florida in exactly the same amount of time it takes for the Last Ship to sail there. He finds his daughter in the middle of a huge crowd, and spots the evil Immunes disguised in Navy uniforms.

McDowell and Hayseed walk into the crowd with a bunch of Sickies in tow. Hayseed announces: Yup, we’s the Navy, and we’s gonna kill y’all! Yuck yuck yuck!!

Panic ensues. Tex and some Last Shippies decide that the best course of action is to open fire in the middle of the crowd and gun down the Immunes wearing Navy uniforms. Good idea. WOLF goes badass and singlehandedly catches McDowell.

The Last Shippies cordon off the area to prevent people from escaping, then a CGI chopper from the boat buzzes the crowd and dumps the cure all over them. Everyone breathes it in. Actual line of dialogue spoken to McDowell in the moment of victory: “Now we’re all immune, asshole!” Sterling writing this show has.

With that crisis resolved, the Last Ship sails on to St. Louis, where Mr. President wants to set up a new national capital. The boat is almost out of fuel and has no ammo, but manages to get there. A much bigger crowd turns out to get cured.

Cue the montage!


Master Chief’s in-laws show up and don’t blame him for their daughter dying anymore. Aww…

Mr. President gets officially inaugurated. He offers Cap’n McSteamy a new job as Chief of Naval Operations. The Last Ship will be docked for months for repairs and refitting anyway. What else has he got to do?

An inauguration needs a fancy-dress inauguration ball! The crew put on their spiffiest dress blues and sing sea shanties. Boyfriend1 proposes to Lt. Preggers. I suppose we’ll have to call him Fiancé1 now.

Mr. President has also pardoned Dr. Hottie for murdering Mouse Wrangler. She tells the Cap’n that she’s heading out West to spread the cure. They have a moment in a hallway, but part company without making out. “I’ll see you when I see you.” Disappointing.

On the way back to her hotel room, Dr. Hottie is approached by Hayseed, who guns her down at point-blank range and leaves her for dead. OMG, cliffhanger!

Ugh. The long and short of it is that this episode completely sucks. The only solitary moment of any interest is the very last scene, and I’m sure there’s no way Dr. Hottie is dead. He probably hit her in the shoulder or something. She’ll be fully recovered by the end of the Season 3 premiere episode.

I wish I hadn’t watched this episode. The last one was a vastly more satisfying end to the season.

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