Thanks, Josh. I’ll take it from here! Well, until this show does ‘Die Hard’/’Under Siege’ or has more Costa Rican monkeys. The crew retook ‘The Last Ship’ and got the heck out of Crazyville, Maryland. WHEW! Here’s hoping they muster some more sweet-ass blasting!
OK, first off, what’s with the new opening credit sequence? Gas mask! Bible! BULLETS! Test tube with Blue Juice! AMERICA! Is this shit optimized for 3D TVs or something? Not a fan.
Speaking of non-fandom, normally I can’t stand “Previously on…”s, but I watched this one – mostly because the warm gooey cheese of the first season has mostly been forgotten/cleaned from the couch. I guess it was a good thing I did because, oh look! It’s Dr. Mouse Wrangler/Patient Zero. I often wondered what happened to him since the end of last season, when he magically escaped the exploding Russian ship dressed as a cabin boy. Apparently he was cruising about during the whole Baltimore thing. Now he “washed up” (code for motored up in a Russian FAST BOAT) on a beach where lots of folks seem to have made very sandy homes. He chills with the good citizens of Sleeping on the Beach Town. They all die horribly of the sickness he spreads.
Meanwhile, Tex finds some solo time for apocalypse bag-punching cardio. Dr. Red waltzes into the gym, yoga pants style, and slowly, seductively unlaces his boxing gloves. Oh yeah. Wait, we didn’t have the Captain’s wife die so Tex could get some Dr. Red action, did we?! Ahhh, she’s just thanking him, and his extremely well-trimmed beard, for saving her.
When we last saw her, the Last Ship was steaming down the coast towards its homeport of Norfolk, Virginia. The crew arrives and finds LOTS of Last Ships, and S.EA.L.s and pilots. This place is crawling with Navy people. CRAWLING. After seeing the incredible skills of the short-handed crew of the Last Ship, it boggles my mind that this large group of America’s finest are just hanging out. Welp, be prepared to be inspired. The Nathan James is here with some CAHRAZY stories! They have the cure! There are other labs, scattered across the country/globe that can mass produce it! The whole base springs into action. There are cargo planes and FIGHTER JETS! Off they go to save the world! USA! USA! USA!
Now, for a serious downshift, Lt. Granderson and Master Chief have a scene about mommy issues and shit. Cap’n and Mrs. Weasel share a boring moment of we-both-lost-our-spouses and exchange parenting tips. Ugh. Lt. Preggers and Cpl. Boyfriend find Lt. Preggers’ mom. They don’t reveal anything to Mom, but moms always know anyway. XO Jayne finds an abandoned tent compound and a sweatshirt belonging to maybe his daughter. Ginger Chief Engineer finds her house. Heck, even the Captain gets to go home to his giant Captain’s Mansion. The Captain decides he’s going to resign and let any of the crew who want to look for their family do the same. Holy CRAP. Is there going to be any SHOOTING in this episode?!
Back to the less boring Dr. Mouse Wrangler storyline: He’s just a rolling stone and ends up crashing out in a sleeping bag that some poor sick bastard died in, the night before. The locals question why he doesn’t get TOTALLY freaking sick. He asks the same of them. Turns out they are a cult of “chosen” immune folks. Seems like they may be right.
Man oh MAN. The season opener gave us ANTI-AIRCRAFT MACHINE GUNS SHOOTING DOWN A HELICOPTER! A MAD SCIENTIST! NIGHT VISION GOGGLES! A FREAKING AXE TO.THE.CHEST!! Stomp on the gas, Last Ship! FLANK SPEED!
The Captain’s dad sits his son down for a pep talk. Look, Tom, you’re making this show super boring. No one has been shot, stabbed or AXED all episode. You know what, you’re kinda like Noah and the Last Ship is sorta like the Ark. You should, you know, go do some Old Testament shit. YEAH! About time! (No “Old Testament shit” happens during the rest of this episode. :sad face: )
The Captain doesn’t retire. XO Jayne comes back to the ship too, so he can lean on the FIVE INCH. The Captain gives Lt. Mommy Issues a bunk promotion/kick in the ass and just when we think the credits are going to roll, Dr. Mouse Wrangler may have a plan of his own. Dum dum dummm dummmmmm…
Wow. This episode is a clinic on how to lose 50% of the audience you gained from your amazing season premiere. Next weekend is the Fourth of July, Last Ship. How about some damn FIREWORKS?