In this week’s finale of ‘The Last Ship’: All the prisoners are freed! We have the vaccine! We blow up all the Russians! WOO-HOO! Wait. What? There are two more episodes left? So the next couple of episodes are just gonna be us dropping off the vaccine to the 20% of the world that’s not totally dead?
I’m not sure about that, but the cast and crew of ‘The Last Ship’ kick this episode into gear quick! Nice work. This episode is well directed, well acted, and has lots of tension, demolition and cold-blooded Russkie killing. Oh, and machine guns!
Last we saw our heroes, they were being hoisted out of the ocean into a Russian helicopter. The captain and Tex, newly handcuffed and severely sunburned, join Cartoony Bad Guy Admiral at his dinner table. Admiral Cartoony says what everyone knows he’s going to say about trading the Good Captain for Dr. Red. Quick, to the plot planner!
Meanwhile, in Dr. Red’s lab, she gives the Last Jamaican a lesson in virology. This lesson mostly involves how she’s killed like 37 monkeys and all hope for humanity has been injected into the last test subject. Lucky little fella. Good news! It works! Dr. Red has solved the puzzle! Hooray! Now about that rescuing the captain bit…
Back on the bridge, while making his ransom demands, Admiral Cartoony smack-talks Jayne into silence. But wait! Jayne isn’t silenced; he’s just making grumbly faces and stalling in order to give their nautical radio location tracker enough time to trace the call! The plan is set in motion and the rest of the episode is awesome.
Dr. Red is brought on board the Russian ship, after the Russians completely blow the “Fly out of radar range so the U.S. can’t track us” plan by totally not checking Dr. Red for tracking devices. She sexily shucks the tracking life vest and promptly lands a hot tongue kiss on the Good Captain. She gives him a pouty smile and says, “See you for breakfast.” Which is actually code for, “The cavalry arrives really freaking early.” We know this because when the Good Captain and Tex get back to their cage, the captain pulls out a note and X-Acto knife that Dr. Red slipped him with her tongue.
Cut to Russian lab. Admiral Cartoony needs Dr. Red’s vaccine tested, so he throws one of his high-ranking officers in with Dr. Mouse Wrangler, who we know is immune but a carrier for the virus. Dr. Mouse Wrangler mouth-breaths his virusy halitosis on said officer. They stand around for a minute, letting the infection cook up a little, and then stick him with the vaccine. Boom! Cured!
Cut to FAST BOATS! A ton of American commando dudes (machine guns!) are cranking towards the evil Russian ship under the cover of really early morning. The plan is to disable their propulsion and kill the crap out of any Russians that get in the way. And then maybe blow up the ship or at least set it on fire. A lot.
First up on the Russkie killing: the Good Captain’s cage guard gets his throat sliced up by X-Acto knife-wielding Tex. Then a ton of Russians bite it in the engine room. Even Dr. Red gets in on the fun and puts a .45 round through a baddie. Team America all meet up and are extracting when the Good Captain veers off into the officers’ hallway. He finds Dr. Googly Eyes’ wife and daughter in the captain’s chamber. “Come with me if you want to live.” They all head out when, BLAMO!, the previously disgraced character fella disables the boat’s propulsion with a thermite bomb. To the FAST BOATS!
As the team sneaks around the corridors, they come to a metal door. The Good Captain is curious as to why no alarms have been set off. Very curious indeed. He has a sneaking suspicion that there might be 14 Russian sailors on the other side of that door. Let’s take a different route. Finally, our team gets to their boat, but not before the ‘Call of Duty’ Russian shooting gallery level loads up. (Machine guns!) The Russians can’t hit the broad side of a barn while the Americans blast each and every bad guy who shows his face. We WASTE them! USA! USA!
Amongst the chaos, Dr. Mouse Wrangler dons a Russian sailor outfit and trots around outside his confined lab. I’m not sure why and not sure if he, or any Russian for that matter, makes it out alive because, as the FAST BOATS pull away, the ship is ablaze and explodes. YES! Oh wait, the Russians did score one hit. The disgraced sailor looking for redemption catches a round in the gut and croaks.
The dramatic episode ends dramatically, with dramatic music and in the dramatic shadow of the FIVE-INCH. I approve.