Statuesque: Golden Globes 2014 After-Party

The Golden Globes aired last night, hosted for the second year in a row by funny ladies Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. The Globes have a reputation for being the most fun event of awards season, but sadly, I have to say that this one was pretty dull. As for the prizes handed out, well… Does that part even matter?

Random Stream-of-Consciousness Musings

Tina Fey looks great. Amy Poehler looks fine but kind of like she forgot to dress up in anything special.

Opening monologue: Nice dig at ‘Lee Daniels’ The Butler’. I think I’d be more interested to see ‘Explosion at the Wig Factory’ than ‘American Hustle’, personally.

Teleprompter error for Jonah Hill and Margot Robbie. Awkward.

What the hell is Paula Patton wearing? It’s a nightmare in white ruffles.

Let me get this straight: ‘Philomena’ is a drama but ‘The Wolf of Wall Street’ is a comedy? As always, the Globes are ridiculous.

Jim Carrey makes a fantastic Shia LaBeouf joke.

Emma Thompson looks great. She’s either really plastered on stage or doing a great drunk routine.

Emma Stone looks like she lost 30 pounds, and she never had 30 pounds to lose.

Nice tribute montage to Woody Allen movies. The good ones, anyway. Naturally, Woody himself neglected to show up to accept his lifetime achievement award. Diane Keaton has to give a speech for him.

My laptop BSOD’ed on me at 10:30 PM. I lost about ten minutes of writing that wasn’t saved in the auto-recover. If I miss any awards categories below, that’s why. Ugh, stupid computer.

The show ends right on time at 11:00 PM. Gotta love the Globes for their efficiency. If nothing else, this is still the best-run awards ceremony of the year.

Movie Awards

Best Supporting Actress: Jennifer Lawrence, ‘American Hustle’, as fully expected. Mrs. Z is not a fan of the dress.

Best Original Score: ‘All Is Lost’. Huh. P. Diddy photo-bombs the winner on stage. Prick. Then again, his making an ass of himself is way more interesting than anything the winner has to say.

Best Original Song: Bono and The Edge for some lame song tacked onto the end credits of ‘Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom’. Boring. Everybody thanks Nelson Mandela. Yeah, I’m sure that inspiring you to win a Golden Globe was the proudest achievement of his life, dude.

Best Actress, Comedy or Musical: Amy Adams for ‘American Hustle’. Looks like a sweep is in order. I appreciate the cleavage, but Adams’ dress is hideous.

Best Supporting Actor: Jared Leto for ‘Dallas Buyers Club’. Lots of buzz for his performance in this movie. He looks like a hobo who found an old tuxedo in a trash can.

Best Screenplay: Spike Jonze for ‘Her’. Luke will not be pleased.

Best Foreign Language Film: ‘The Great Beauty’ from Italy upsets the favored ‘Blue Is the Warmest Color’.

Best Animated Feature: ‘Frozen’. Not a surprise, especially considering that there were only three nominees total and one of them was ‘The Croods’.

Best Director: Alfonso Cuaron for ‘Gravity’. Interestingly, both Paul Greengrass and Steve McQueen got more applause than Cuaron when the nominees were read off.

Best Actor, Comedy or Musical: Leonardo DiCaprio for ‘The Wolf of Wall Street’. He rightly takes the Globes to task (amusingly) for calling his movie a comedy.

Best Picture, Comedy or Musical: ‘American Hustle’. Big shock… Watching the producer give his acceptance speech is super-uncomfortable. Will the orchestra please start playing him off already?

Best Actress, Drama: Cate Blanchett, ‘Blue Jasmine’. Surprised the Globes didn’t call this a comedy.

Best Actor, Drama: Matthew McConaughey, ‘Dallas Buyers Club’. He’s had quite a career renaissance this year. Starts his speech with “All right, all right, all right…” Looks like he hasn’t quite recovered from all that weight loss he did for the role. Very good speech.

Best Picture, Drama: ’12 Years a Slave’. Shut out of every other category, takes home the big one. Will probably do the same at the Oscars.

TV Awards

Best Supporting Actress: Jacqueline Bisset for something called ‘Dancing on the Edge’. Never heard of it. She clearly didn’t expect to win and didn’t prepare anything to say. Awkward rambling ensues.

Best Miniseries or TV Movie: ‘Behind the Candelabra’. An easy call.

Best Actress in a Miniseries or TV Movie: Elisabeth Moss for ‘Top of the Lake’. That’s the Jane Campion thing on the Sundance Channel, right? I’d probably know more about this if I ever felt a desire to flip to the Sundance Channel. But I don’t, sorry.

Best Actor, Drama: Bryan Cranston for ‘Breaking Bad’.

Best TV Series, Drama: ‘Breaking Bad’. The Globes have a history of ignoring ‘Breaking Bad’. I guess this is make-good time. “Yeah, bitch!”

Best Supporting Actor: Jon Voight for ‘Ray Donovan’. I like the show, but Voight’s horrid Bahsten accent in it should have precluded him from ever being nominated, much less winning.

Best Actress, Drama: Robin Wright, ‘House of Cards’. Poor Kerry Washington is snubbed again.

Best Actor, Comedy or Musical: Andy Samberg, ‘Brooklyn Nine-Nine’. Fun speech.

Best Actor in a Miniseries or TV Movie: Michael Douglas for ‘Behind the Candelabra’. To Matt Damon: “The only reason you’re not here is I had more sequins.” Ha.

Best Actress, Comedy or Musical: Amy Poehler, ‘Parks and Recreation’. Rigged!

Best TV Series, Comedy or Musical: ‘Brooklyn Nine-Nine’. I guess Amy Poehler’s power only goes so far.


  1. Timcharger

    Josh, pls make sure all your fashion commentary has the dependent clause: “For Mrs. Z hates/loves it…”

    We want Josh to opine on the teal color timing of the Video, not the designer dress.

    When you say: “it’s a nightmare in white ruffles,” I rather you be talking about the overblown hot-white contrast and edge enhancement making wrinkles in clothing look like layered ruffles.

  2. A Belgian TV critic said this about “Top of the Lake”: the first half of ‘Lake’ resembles the first Twin Peaks season, the second half resembles the second Twin Peaks season.

    So, as a major David Lynch fan, you may need to check it out.

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