Bruce Willis says that he wants to do at least one more ‘Die Hard’ movie after this week’s ‘A Good Day to Die Hard’. Given the franchise’s history of making puns out of its titles, we thought that we’d use today’s Roundtable to offer up suggestions for what the sixth movie should be called.
I set one ground rule when I forwarded this topic to our staff. ‘Old Habits Die Hard’ has already been tossed around extensively as a potential title for the next sequel. I took that one off the table. Anything else is fair game.
‘Twenty-Sided Die Hard‘
John McClane is hit on the head while watching ‘The Lord of the Rings’, and imagines himself in a ‘D&D’ fantasy land, that he of course has to save. It’s the ultimate fish out of water story! Also starring Felicia Day.
‘Born Alone, Die Hard Alone‘
John McClane once again finds himself in a seemingly impossible scenario. McClane is the king of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. After finally getting dishonorably discharged from the NYPD, McClane’s newsworthy rap sheet and celebrity status have landed him a decent job as head of security at the headquarters of a major international business in New York City. McClane gets in over his head when he notices something shady going on and puts his neck out there to stop it, only to get entangled in his most elaborate and difficult terrorist scheme yet. While fleeing the building in pursuit of the bad guys, two officers are killed and the video surveillance leads the NYPD to believe that McClane is behind the crime. It’s assumed that he wants revenge on the police force for firing him after saving the world several times. McClane must not only put an end to the terrorist plot entirely on his own, but must stay out of the sights of cops with itchy trigger fingers.
Because it has been mentioned by fans and the studio alike (and ultimately nixed by 20th Century Fox), there’s really no need to mention ‘Die Hard 24×7′, which would team super-cop John McClane with super-spy Jack Bauer. Instead, I suggest another team-up between Bruce Willis and Dwayne Johnson (they’re already on-screen pals thanks to ‘G.I. Joe 2′) in… wait for it… ‘Between a Rock and a Die Hard Place‘. Can you smell what John McClane is cookin’?!
‘To Die or Not to Die (Hard)‘
John McClane joins a traveling Shakespearean acting troupe after retirement. All is going well, until the Renaissance fair they’re performing at is besieged by Shakespeare-hating Russians, hell-bent on wiping Shakespeare’s influence from the planet.
How about ‘Energizer vs. Die Hard‘? John McClane takes on his most fearsome foe yet: a pink drum-playing bunny wearing sunglasses with the STAMINA OF A TERMINATOR! The tagline obviously would be: “Assault by Battery.”
‘Surf Nazis Must Die Hard: Innnnnnn Spaaaaaaaace‘
It’s been several years since McClane’s unfortunate accident, which left him paralyzed from the waist down. However, due to new technology in the medical field, McClane now has robot legs and is itching to leave his desk job at the police office and head back into the field. Nevertheless, on his most triumphant return to the field, a new group of Neo-Nazis take control of the beaches of Galveston, TX and wreak havoc on the local tourists and citizens as they make their way to Houston, TX, specifically NASA’s headquarters. Their plan is to hijack a space shuttle and head for the secret government space station on the moon where they’ll take over Earth’s defense systems and missiles and create total annihilation on the population. McClane hates Nazis, and stows away secretly on the space shuttle with plans to take out the entire Neo-Nazi group singlehandedly.
‘Never Say Die Hard Again‘
Bruce Willis basically takes the series into geriatric territory. Essentially a confluence of the Willis character in ‘RED’ and John McClane, the film would find McClane grumbling about his grandkids’ life choices, deeply embroiled in the goings-on of his assisted living domicile. Naturally, he would wind up at explosive odds with a new generation of pro-Communist Cuban exiles, who are far too young to understand McClane’s ageless street smarts and hardy ability to always be the correct distance away from a massive explosion. In the balance would be Florida, known as “New Cuba” to the film’s villains. Yippee-ki-yay, Castro-ites.
Adam Tyner (DVDTalk)
‘Faster, Pussycat! Die Hard! Die Hard!‘
It’d just be Bruce Willis in a wifebeater and boxers chasing a cat around with a broom for 105 minutes.
M. Enois Duarte
‘It’s Do or Die Hard‘
Imagine if, after his fighting crime with his daughter and son, Holly Gennaro reappears in the life of our favorite cop. Returning back to basics, she’s on a business trip in the Middle East and caught in a terrorist situation where a group of no-good criminals hold the entire building hostage. The only man with the proper experience to rectify the situation is none other than our reluctant hero, John McClane.
Aside from the latest film (which is the first ‘Die Hard’ movie actually written with the specific intention of being a ‘Die Hard’ movie), previous entries in this franchise all started lives as other, unrelated projects. The original ‘Die Hard’ was originally developed as a sequel to a 1968 Frank Sinatra picture called ‘The Detective’. ‘Die Hard 2: Die Harder’ was based on the book ’58 Minutes’ by Walter Wager. ‘Die Hard with a Vengeance’ combined scripts for an unproduced ‘Lethal Weapon’ sequel and an original screenplay called ‘Simon Says’. Finally, ‘Live Free or Die Hard’ began as a cyber-terrorism thriller named ‘WW3.com’.
With that in mind, I nominate that the producers resurrect an unfinished project from one of our greatest filmmakers for the next one. As I mentioned in last week’s Roundtable, Robert Altman was working on pre-production of a film called ‘Hands on a Hard Body’ when he died. In ‘Hands on a Die Hard Body‘, terrorists have rigged a pickup truck with a nuclear bomb connected to a pressure sensor. The only way to stop it from detonating is for someone to keep his hands touching the truck at all times. Several cops hold on at first, but as the pickup races towards our nation’s capital at breakneck speed, most are picked off by the baddies one-by-one. Does John McClane have the stamina to hang on with one hand while punching, stabbing and shooting terrorists with the other? Can you say, “Yippee-ki-yay, mother trucker”?
Failing that, let’s just go with ‘Die Hardbodies‘, in which super-stud John McClane agrees to teach a group of schlubby middle-aged losers how to pick up chicks… chicks who turn out to be terrorists! Because, why not? The script’ll take all of ten minutes to write. In the course of this, McClane falls for a supermodel-hot young single mom and finally makes his famous catchphrase literal.
Those are some of our goofy ideas. Tell us yours in the Comments.