by Aaron Peck
Here at High-Def Digest I seem to review quite a few dreadful movies. No, I'm not being punished (although, sometimes it feels like it), I just have more free time than the other reviewers, so I pick up many of the movies that no one else wants to review.
I seldom find a rare gem in the pile of dreck I sift through on a weekly basis. After the 30th movie featuring a WWE or MMA star I find myself wondering who in the world is watching some of these movies?! Why are they watching them? And why do they hate me so much?
Don't you know that watching this stuff encourages the filmmakers to make more of it, and that means I then have to review those movies too?
With that out of the way, I'd like to welcome you to the first ever edition of Who Is Watching These Movies?!! Come with me as we dive into the world of terrible cinema and wonder to ourselves how these movies are getting made on a constant basis.
This movie was directed by a woman, although you wouldn't be able to tell since it's the most misogynistic atrocity since Michael Bay's last production. At least Bay simply just treats women like stick-thin mannequins that are there solely for us to stare at. Dana Lustig (my self-proclaimed most hated director of the year) treats women like they're morons. Especially when those girls are virginal high schoolers. How dare these women try and keep their virginity to themselves. It's up to the boys of the school to set them straight and take it from them. If that doesn't make it bad enough, Lustig and the rest of the movie's cruel writing staff, think that the girls should apologize for their behavior at the end. Because, you know, the football team was losing because they didn't give it up in the first place.
Not only do I want to know who is watching this, but I want to know who actually agreed to finance it. After they witnessed poor Tia Carrere chanting a song called "Power of the Pussy" wouldn't they have immediately wondered if their money would've been safer invested somewhere else, like the stock market?
Steve Austin keeps making movies and I keep having to watch them. It's funny, because every Steve Austin movie plays out pretty much the same way. Austin is surrounded by a bunch of ne'er-do-wells and he's got to fight his way out using a combination of phony-looking punches to the face and forearm hammer drops to the back of the neck. Everyone that goes up against him in movies inevitably runs out of bullets and has to resort to fighting the beer-crushing wrestler in hand-to-hand combat scenes that move as fast as King Mable.
There are a lot of wrestling fans out there, and I get that the sport is widely popular, but does that mean those fans are really purchasing every Austin movie that comes out? The guy may look menacing in the ring as he froths at the mouth and flips people off, but in the movies he simply looks like a big, bald galoot, one who can't emote anything other than mild confusion and "I'm-going-to-kill-you-now-with-a-power-bomb" anger.
Oh Cuba, what happened to you? Somewhere around 'Radio'…wait maybe it was 'Boat Trip,' or maybe 'Rat Race,' your career went so far south that we wonder if you even remember winning that Oscar. Talk about Hollywood's biggest fluke. I wonder where that statuette is now. Since that fateful Oscar acceptance speech, Cuba has starred in such hits as 'Daddy Day Camp,' 'The Devil's Tomb,' 'Lies & Illusions,' and 'Sacrifice' (two of those four starred Christian Slater, another master of the direct-to-video market).
Cuba keeps making movies that have never seen a theater screen, my question is: Why? Are there that many people out there who are still jonesin' for a new Cuba Gooding Jr. movie? Does putting him on the cover decked out like a badass action hero make people more likely to pick it up? The way he keeps churning out the low-budget crap makes me think that someone out there must be making money on these. My question is who? And how?
Is there really a market for the terrible "gangster" movies that 50 Cent keeps coming out with? I can see no viable reason why these movies should keep getting made, or why Val Kilmer keeps agreeing to act in them. It could be the draw of free coffee and donuts at the catering table. Actually, that's my guess. Wave a fried good in front of Kilmer and he comes running… well, waddling (Don't worry, I've got plenty more Val Kilmer fat jokes ready to fire off at a moment's notice. Next installment I'll bring out the Fatman material).
Are people really buying enough copies of these movies that it makes someone, somewhere a profit? The mere thought of someone making money off of flicks where 50 Cent glowers at the camera and tries to act really tough, well, it just makes me sad.
Please, people, for the love of humanity, movies, and everything that is near and dear to you in this world. Please stop buying these movies. Stop watching them. Just stop. There's nothing to see here. Move on. Forget about these movies, go find better ones. Hell, even mid-90s Seagal movies will do.