At this point, it’s very clear that Disney is intent on remaking all of its classic animated movies into new live action blockbusters. In addition to ‘Maleficent’ and the new ‘Cinderella’, news broke this week that the studio is bringing back Tim Burton (who did ‘Alice in Wonderland’ a few years ago) to make a live action ‘Dumbo’. Why this is needed is anyone’s guess, but I’m sure it won’t be the end. When he’s done messing with that one, what Disney classic will get run through the Burtonian blender next?
More importantly, what role will Johnny Depp inevitably play in it?
Next up on Tim Burton’s craptastic string of Disney remakes, I see him doing a live-action version of ‘Pinocchio‘. He’ll recycle the kid actor who played Jack in ‘Into the Woods’ (Daniel Huttlestone) for the titular role. In a gender reversal, Helena Bonham Carter will play the lost-her-marbles creator Geppetta. Johnny Depp will play the sly and evil fox “Honest” John Worthington Foulfellow. Burton could apply the technology Peter Jackson used to make Hobbits look small next to human men in order to make Gilbert Gottfried play the perfect Jiminy Cricket. He could also bring in ‘Sweeney Todd’ actor Sasha Baron Cohen to play the evil puppet-maker Stromboli. And the blue fairy will be played by one of J.J. Abrams’ lens flares.
‘Tim Burton’s Lady and the Tramp‘. Using state-of-the art CGI, Burton will have Johnny Depp play BOTH the Lady and the Tramp in this romantic tale. Audiences will be brought to tears (although not necessarily of joy) as we watch Depp share a strand of spaghetti with HIMSELF. The movie will co-star Helena Bonham Carter as, you guessed it, BOTH Siamese cats, forcing her to sing a duet with herself, and reminding her of why she no longer lives with the director. The movie will be panned by critics, but will naturally gross a billion dollars at the box office, leading to ‘Tim Burton’s Lady and the Tramp 2: Scamp’s Big Adventure’ starring Paul Reubens.
I hate to break some bad news, but Tim Burton has also signed on to direct a reboot of the live action ‘101 Dalmatians‘ franchise. The most surprising news is that the puppies in the film will not be created using CGI, but will actually involve puppetry and stop-motion animation, save for the character of Patch, the proud papa pup, who will be played by Johnny Depp. Depp will also play Cruella De Vil, of course.
Adam Tyner (DVDTalk)
I started out trying to think of something sarcastic and snarky, and then it hit me: I actually could picture Tim Burton casting Johnny Depp as the conniving fox in ‘Pinocchio‘. I could hear Danny Elfman unleashing a darkly bouncy rendition of “When You Wish upon a Star.” I can envision the artfully rundown pub, a monstrous CGI whale splashing around in a digital sea, all sorts of slapstick as that little wooden puppet’s nose starts to grow, and whoever Burton’s ghostly pale, wide-eyed, raven-haired muse of the moment is in the role of the Blue Fairy. Even worse, now I kind of want to see it.
M. Enois Duarte
After Tim Burton is done with ‘Dumbo’, probably with the different ending requested by PETA, I imagine he’ll want to a live-action version of ‘The Black Cauldron‘. His go-to clown of many faces extraordinaire Johnny Depp would probably play the Horned King. Or at least, I think that’s the role he should play, but it’s more likely he and Burton will have him be Fflewddur Fflam. However, if I could, I would suggest that Helena Bonham Carter should take on that role with the help of lots and lots of makeup. Meanwhile, Kyle Catlett of ‘The Following’ would be perfect as Taran. For Princess Eilonwy, they can have Kiernan Shipka.
This is easy. Tim Burton would tackle ‘Pinnochio‘ with the same zest he applies to all of his other recent projects. That means that Johnny Depp would play the roles of both Geppetto and of Pinocchio, but would use different crazy-eyed contacts for each character. Of course, Helena Bonham Carter would play Jiminy Cricket.
‘Song of the South‘. Depp in every role. Blackface.
Honestly, I don’t dislike Burton’s ‘Alice in Wonderland’ as much as some people do. Still, I think the director is stuck in a rut, and doing ‘Dumbo’ sounds like a spectacularly bad idea. You know what might be even worse, though? How about stabbing directly into the soul of Disney by casting Johnny Depp as none other than Mickey Mouse himself in a new ‘Fantasia‘? Of course, it’ll be a massively gaudy, 3D CGI eyesore, and rather than use classical music, Danny Elfman will provide a brand new score that sounds exactly like every other Danny Elfman score. The only thing in the movie not CGI’d to death will be Johnny Depp, who will wear a pair of Mickey ears purchased off the shelf at a Disney store, a sorcerer’s cloak and cap that he just happened to have in his closet anyway for Tuesday evenings on the town, and lots of eyeliner (because, Johnny Depp).
Burton himself can play the dancing broom. No special makeup required.
You know it’s inevitable, so tell us what Disney classic you think Tim Burton and Johnny Depp will desecrate next.