Movie Madness: HAL 9000 vs. Montoya – Callahan vs. Aragorn

We’re getting close to finishing out the first round of Movie Madness. With any luck, we’ll be finished with this tournament right before we start Movie Madness 2012! This week has been very eventful. On Tuesday, we took a vote to see which incarnation of James Bond we’d include in the tournament. Smooth-talking Sean Connery took that vote. On Wednesday, we had martial arts master Kahm going up against Morpheus. Even though Kahm started out with a sizable lead, Morpheus came back and took the victory. In the other matchup, Blade cut Shrek into tiny green ribbons. Today’s matchups feature swordsman Inigo Montoya going up against the sentient machine HAL 9000. In order to finish out the HD DVD bracket, Harry Callahan and Aragorn will battle it out.

An old school master of the blade is going up against a futuristic pile of steel with evil intentions. Thrusting two completely different time periods together, who knows what will happen when these two meet? Will Inigo be able to withstand HAL’s all-seeing eye?

Inigo Montoya – A kind-hearted swordsman driven by the memory of his father, who was unjustly killed by the six-fingered man. He was motivated to become one of the world’s best sword fighters, but how will he stack up against the sentient HAL 9000?

Strengths: His swordplay is unrivaled. Oh, and he’s not really left-handed.

Weaknesses: He’s a servant to alcohol. Give him a bottle of the stuff and he’ll be incapacitated for days.

HAL 9000 – If HAL had an actual heart, it would be made of cold, cold steel. Motivated by self-preservation, the sentient computer of Discovery One will do anything to keep from being disconnected – even if that means killing those who oppose him.

Strengths: He’s an all-seeing computer with abilities to produce humanistic emotion, read lips, and recognize faces. He can even play chess.

Weaknesses: He is just a machine, and can be shut down if you know what you’re doing.

Inigo Montoya vs. HAL 9000

  • Inigo Montoya (55%, 83 Votes)
  • HAL 9000 (45%, 68 Votes)

Total Voters: 151

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The gun versus sword argument arises once again. This time, would-be king of Middle Earth Aragorn goes up against the most grizzled, intimidating policeman to ever walk the Earth.

Harry Callahan – He doesn’t play by the rules, and he carries a very large, very menacing gun. Even with higher-ups breathing down his neck, handing him suspensions and demotions, Callahan still takes on crime with an iron fist and a prune-tightening sneer.

Strengths: I think I already mentioned his giant .44 Magnum, and his reckless disregard for any rules whatsoever.

Weaknesses: I’m not really sure he has any. He lived through numerous sequels, killing everyone who got in his way. He’s simply the baddest of badasses.

Aragorn – Together with a group of unlikely misfits from Middle Earth, Aragorn set about to take up his rightful position as the king of the mythical world. He’s filled with far-reaching optimism about the state of men and how they will one day be great again. He’s taken on hordes of orcs and lived to tell the tale.

Strengths: Dirty Harry carries that huge gun, but Aragon carries an even bigger broadsword that’s slain more than a few members of Sauron’s orc army.

Weaknesses: Similar to many of the other heroes in this tournament, his weakness is love. He’d give everything up, and even die for the one he loves.

Harry Callahan vs. Aragorn

  • Harry Callahan (54%, 86 Votes)
  • Aragorn (46%, 72 Votes)

Total Voters: 158

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  1. I worry about the LOTR fanboys coming out in force on this one, but there’s no way…no friggin’ way…Aragorn could beat Callahan.

    Oh, and HAL gets an easy win here.

  2. I love how random some of these matches are. How would HAL and Inigo Montoya even fight? Montoya keeps stabbing at random computer banks with his sword while HAL opens and closes hatches hoping to manipulate him into an airlock? It boggles the mind…

    Anyway, my vote goes to HAL. He’s devious. He’d find a sneaky way to win. And Dirty Harry’s an easy call over Aragorn. That LARPing punk ain’t feeling lucky today.

  3. Alex

    Oh there’s no doubt, Dirty Harry would blow Aragorn’s head clean off.

    However, if the duel takes place anywhere but the Discovery One, I think Inigo would actually win. Hal is limited in his destructive capability to screwing with the devices inside a spaceship. Anywhere else, one quick swipe of the sword (left-handed or not) and that power cord is gone and so is HAL.

  4. Pedram

    If the fight were in a forest on middle earth, then Aragorn would have the advantage. Harry would just get lost and wouldn’t know how to deal with the creatures there, and Aragorn would use his strider skills to ambush him and cut his gun hand off. Then again, if it took place in a modern city, then Harry would track Aragorn down easily and put that .44 to good use.

    So I guess it comes down to where the duel takes place.

      • JoeRo

        Assuming the vacuum of space doesn’t immediately suffocate Aragorn and Harry the encounter goes something like this: Harry aims at Strider’s head and pulls the trigger … nothing happens due to the lack of oxygen. Fortunately for Aragorn swords work just fine in the void, and he happily proceeds to dismember Harry. The end.

        • JoeRo

          Actually after thinking about it some more, Harry’s gun will likely blow up in his face due to the sub-zero temperatures of the various alloys used in the manufacture of the gun. So Aragorn wins by default anyway … damn.

  5. RBBrittain

    Inigo vs. HAL: HAL would throw Inigo out the cargo-bay doors; Inigo wouldn’t know what a power switch/cord was, much less how to cut HAL’s power off. HAL FTW.

    Dirty Harry vs. Aragorn: Dirty Harry may have guns, but Aragorn has the magic sword AND a lot of friends to help him (and I don’t just mean the LOTR fanboys). Aragorn FTW.

    (P.S.: Too bad Connery won the Bond play-in. John McClane will drown him in a hail of bullets.)