Porkchop Sandwiches! ‘G.I. Joe’ Sequel Gets Potential Good News

Stephen Sommers will not be directing the sequel to 2009’s execrable live action ‘G.I. Joe’ movie. Despite earlier reports that he would be returning to drive the franchise into the ground a little further, the genius director of ‘Van Helsing‘ is reportedly now off the project. Halle-frickin’-lujah. (Warning: Some profanity to follow. A lot of profanity.)

My feelings about the ‘G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra‘ movie are on record in my Blu-ray review. Pardon my French, but I absolutely fucking hated it. And no, Stephen Sommers, that’s not because I’m a stuck-up dilettante born without a fun gene, you goddamn arrogant douchebag. It’s because your movie was a giant flaming bag of crap.

Sorry, I get worked up about this. I grew up with the G.I. Joe toy line, comic books, and cartoon series in the ’80s. I love this franchise, and Sommers shit all over it with his wretched movie adaptation. Almost every single actor was miscast, the characters were mixed-and-matched at random for no reason at all, and the script was even dumber than star Channing Tatum. (And that’s a low bar to set.) In the bonus features on the Blu-ray, Sommers actually admits that he didn’t even know there had been a G.I. Joe toy line in the 1980s until he was contracted for the movie. To be blunt: Fuck him, and fuck the moron producers who hired him.

Of course, being unwatchably terrible has never stopped a movie from making a ton of money. ‘Rise of Cobra’ inexplicably pulled in over $300 million worldwide, thus ensuring a sequel. Rubbing the critics’ noses in his success, Sommers stayed attached to the project… until now. The L.A. Times is reporting that Sommers is finally out.

Two agents who represent other filmmakers have said they’d recently been approached about their clients coming on to helm the movie and were told that Sommers would not be getting behind the camera. Paramount declined to comment.

This is actually the second piece of promising news for the sequel. About a year ago, Rhett Rheese and Paul Wernick, screenwriters of the very fun ‘Zombieland‘, were hired to write at least one draft of the script. I’m sure it will be rewritten and script doctored a dozen times over before going to camera, unfortunately. Hopefully, not by the last group of nitwits who were totally unaware that ice floats in water.

Now, the studio just needs to dump Channing Tatum, dump Marlon Wayans, dump almost all of the rest of the cast, and absolutely dump producer Lorenzo di Bonaventura.

I suppose they can keep Ray Park as Snake Eyes, so long as they get rid of those idiotic puffy lips on his face mask. Dennis Quaid can also stick around as General Hawk, if the new director makes him deliver an actual performance this time rather than phone it in again. And you know what, I kind of liked Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s interesting take on Cobra Commander. That’s pretty much it, though. Everyone else needs to go.

Fortunately, the G.I. Joe character roster is so huge that it would be perfectly possible to make a new movie with an entirely different cast that has nothing at all to do with the last one. Give us a mission with Flint and Lady Jaye leading a team against Tomax and Xamot, those nefarious Crimson Twins. Ignore the last movie completely.

Paramount, I’m begging you. Reboots are in fashion right now. Honestly, it’s not too soon to reset the switch on this franchise. Please, make this happen.

What’s to become of Stephen Sommers? He’s still attached to make a Tarzan movie. After the Mummy, Dracula, Frankenstein, and G.I. Joe, he must really get his rocks off by destroying beloved iconic pop culture characters. What an asshole.

Now you know. And that’s, like, important. Or something.

P.S. For those poor souls among you who don’t understand the reference in this post title, here you go:


  1. HuskerGuy

    Love the pork chop sandwiches line 🙂 Awesome. Also, I’m pretty much in agreement with your entire post.

  2. Tim

    The only good thing about the first movie was the actress that portrayed Scarlet. Keep her in the second movie — with less clothes — and I’ll be there. Shallow? Yes. Do I speak for most guys? Absolutely.

    • Josh Zyber

      That’s Rachel Nichols. Although she’s definitely hot, that red dye job looked ridiculous on her. (The green skin and hair they gave her in Star Trek didn’t do her any favors either.) She looks much better with her regular hair (and skin) color. (Google it.)

      Also, the way the character of Scarlett was written was really annoying.

  3. I really really can’t defend G.I. Joe… I mean, it WAS bad on so many levels… even a lot of the simpler effects were bad, which is simply shocking in this day and age with that budget… And that’s before we get into the silly plot, OTT acting, cheeeeeeese…

    Having said that… ahem… I must admit, I, um, enjoyed it as a guilty pleasure! 😉 Sorry, I know, I shouldn’t. But I never grew up with G.I. Joe. I was more Star Wars and, well, more Star Wars lol! (And Lego, of course) So I had no expectations. And as a completely mindless piece of trash that was fun without pretending to be anything more than that, I will admit with considerable shame, that I enjoyed G.I. Joe! 😀 (Hey, we all have these guilty pleasures!)

    • I agree. I never watched GI Joe growing up. I saw an episode here and there, and, even as a kid of 7 or 8, I was like, who wrote this crap! Even at that age, I was insulted by the HORRIBLE writting. And I could never understand why someone in a helicopter would parachute to safty.

      I liked the movie. I didn’t love it, but, I agree with Thulsadoom, its a guilty pleasure. Yes, I own it on Blu-Ray, and yes, it gets put in every now and then.

  4. Adam

    My question, as I’m sure is the question of many, is a) why Hollywood keeps pumping out sequels to crappy movies and b) why people keep paying good money to go to them? Maybe I’m off, but it seems as if sequels are becoming an ever increasing presence. If a movie is even remotely successful, it’s guaranteed at least one or two sequels.

  5. Sure, that movie was terrible, but I feel like it was close. If they had gone campier with it, the whole affair could have been a lot more fun. It honestly seemed more like a ‘Command & Conquer: Red Alert’ movie than ‘G.I. Joe.’