xXx: Return of Xander Cage

‘xXx: Return of Xander Cage’ Contest Results

I recognize that the movie wasn’t exactly a huge blockbuster, but I have to say I’m surprised that our ‘xXx: Return of Xander Cage’ contest drew fewer entries than the ‘Fifty Shades Darker’ giveaway from the previous week. In some ways, this actually makes it harder to judge.

I’m guessing that people were more eager to make fun of the ‘Fifty Shades’ sequel. Either that, or the appeal of boobies was stronger.

In any case, as explained in the original post, we challenged you to provide funny or clever captions for the following image:

And the winner is…

Honorable Mentions

  1. Elizabeth: Damn man, I thought you were full of crap but I really can see your hair grow Just standing here.
  2. NJScorpio: “Sam, how’d they get you back for another one of these?”
    “I live my life a quarter-million dollar cameo at a time.”
  3. Derek: Look Vin, I’m sorry but I already told you I can’t get you into the next Star Wars movie.
  4. Brian: You don’t feel wrong shooting a triple xxx movie in a church?
  5. Scott D: The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee, as well as what’s in my wallet.
  6. Jim: “You mumble. Did I just hear you say something about The Fat and the Frivolous #9 ?”
  7. Jonathan: Jackson, “Vin, I’m a big fan of your work!”
    Diesel, “Yeah?”
    Jackson, “Hell yeah! Your best work has to be when you say, “I am Groot.””
    Diesel, “… but, that’s my only line in two movies.”
    Jackson, “Exactly.”
  8. Kyle: TItle: XXX
    Main Character: Xander Cage
    Starring Actor: Vin Diesel
    Actresses named Asia and Rose

    How are these not porn?

  9. Csm101: “I’m triple X.”
    “No you’re not, you’re pg-13.”
  10. Bernie W: I live my life one bad movie at a time.

The Winner!

I don’t judge these contests based on quantity. Someone who submits one entry is just as likely to win as someone who submits the limit of ten. That said, Tony delivered ten gems in one post.

1.) Thanks to your wardrobe, Xander, America is winning the arms race.
2.) Can you hand me my wallet? It’s the one that says ‘Will do literally any movie.’
3.) You’ll be able to gain the mercenaries’ trust easily, Xander, because it’s obvious that you have no tricks up your sleeves.
4.) My name? It comes from the Spanish for ‘Samuel The Jackson.’
5.) For the last time, I wasn’t in that movie, so I can’t ask them to write Riddick into the Matrix 4.
6.) You know, Xander, I’m tired of all these monkey-fighting rogue forces crashing these Monday-to-Friday satellites.
7.) Hey Vin, you know where the generals keep their armies? In their sleevies.
8.) I don’t know if you’re aware, Vin, but … I can drive a car.
9.) Don’t worry, Xander, I got your back. I’m a cat that won’t cop out, when there’s danger all about. I’ll risk my neck for my brother, man.
10.) Xander, I know you just wanted a simple life of Xtreme sports, stealing senator’s cars and wearing fluffy jackets, but the fate of the free world is at stake. I’m initiating Ride or Die Protocol, fam.

Congratulations to Tony for winning ‘xXx: Return of Xander Cage‘ on UltraHD and Blu-ray, and thanks to everyone else for participating in our contest.

5 comments

  1. Csm101

    Congrats Tony.
    The reality of it Josh, is that everyone loves Fifty Shades and its sequel. They’re all in the closet about it.😀

  2. Celeste Peters

    I am so proud of you, Tony. I knew your writing would have no boundaries when I worked for you on the DHS publication. But I had no idea you would achieve something like this. Now I can truly say, “Hey! I know that guy!” from one of those articles shared on FB, and it not be “Arrest Reports from This Week.” I will proceed to share it and proclaim it throught the vastness of the interwebs.

  3. Tony Ware

    This is so unexpected, I, uh, I didn’t even have a speech prepared. Uh, but I would like to say this: Captioning is not something you can do all on your own. Many, many people contributed to my captioning. Uh, I’d like to thank my parents for never giving me a ride to school, the city bus driver for taking a chance on an unknown kid, and, uh, last but not least, the wonderful crew at McDonalds for spending hours making those egg McMuffins, without which I might never be captioning.

  4. Timcharger

    The story of my win is even more tremendous. Bigly courageous, big league success, big time! My captioning empire started with only a tiny $1 million dollar loan from my Daddy. I like captioners who didn’t ride the pubic city bus.

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