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Now Playing: Twilight’s Last Gleaming (Finally!)

After four painful years, our collective misery is finally over. No more ‘Twilight’. With the release of ‘Breaking Dawn, Part 2′, I’m happy to say that we can finally put all this behind us and never look back.

While trying to explain to a confused disbeliever that ‘Part 2′ is actually the fifth of the ‘Twilight’ movies, I was asked to describe each movie and its plot. Because absolutely nothing happens during this series, this is the best that I could do: The first is about a human girl falling in love with a pasty-yet-sparkly vampire; the second is about the human girl falling for a werewolf and contemplating suicide in the absence of the vampire; the third is about a fire-crotch vampire with a vendetta against the human girl; and the fourth is about the human girl trying to get laid by her vampire husband, getting pregnant with a monster baby and having to get turned into a vampire before the demon could chew its way out of her. I didn’t know what the plot of this, the final installment, was until I attended the screening, but I should have known that, just like all of the others, nothing really happens.

Edward and Bella’s CG baby is mistakenly believed to be a child that was turned into a vampire. Because children are so temperamental and driven by emotions, vampire kids are illegal. Any vampire who turns a child will be killed alongside the fanged kid. As if the thought of killing a child isn’t horrible enough, be prepared to see Dakota Fanning chuck a kid into a fire during a flashback sequence. With a vampire watchdog organization believing that Bella and Edward’s baby is a full-fledged vampire, they make their way to Forks, Washington to kill the entire clan.

The majority of ‘Part 2′ is dedicated to Edward’s vampire family looking for other vampires to testify that the half-breed isn’t really a vampire. Once they have a small group of supporters, we’re ready for what the trailers call the “epic finale” of the series. I don’t know about you, but when I hear the word “epic,” I think of ‘Lord of the Rings‘ – that, and those douchey twenty-somethings who use “epic” to describe a party they went to over the weekend. I picture hoards of people charging one another on a massive battlefield, not 25 vampires and a dozen wolves fighting against approximately 50 other vampires on a snow-blanketed forest clearing.

During this battle, we get what the TV spots call a “surprise ending.” What’s the surprise? That the ending is just as anticlimactic and unsatisfying as the book’s. You fell for it. For fans who read the books – yes, you’ll notice a slight twist (that is, if you didn’t already figure it out from the trailers, because this “surprise” makes up more than two-thirds of what’s shown in the ads). For those who haven’t read the books, get ready to raise a finger – your middle one – to the screen. Just when the series gets some balls and actually does something, it completely undoes everything at the same time. Let’s talk about this spoilery content in the Comments section and keep this review pure for those dragged to see it by significant others.

I can’t say that I exactly hated ‘Part 2′. A solid 15 minutes of it are campy good. But that doesn’t make up for the 4.75 movies I had to watch to get to that part. Other than that, I’m just grateful that this finally puts an end to a five-movie series that exemplifies everything bad in Hollywood. I will never have to watch these turds again, which is reason enough for celebration.

Rating: star Now Playing: Twilights Last Gleaming (Finally!)halfstar Now Playing: Twilights Last Gleaming (Finally!)blankstar Now Playing: Twilights Last Gleaming (Finally!)blankstar Now Playing: Twilights Last Gleaming (Finally!)blankstar Now Playing: Twilights Last Gleaming (Finally!)

9 comments

  1. I fall firmly in the zero stars range for this movie. It was absolutely horrendous. An abomination of filmmaking. Nothing, absolutely nothing, makes up for the “it’s all a dream,” excuse.

    I quote Brian Griffin, “Well, isn’t that just like a giant middle finger to the audience?” Yes, yes it is.

  2. Yes, thank you Hollywood for having to deal with anything related to this film series, having to endure talking to others who love it and have no clue what makes a good movie, having to actually watch these with my wife and for them actually making me attempt to read the first book before I realized what the hell I was doing and how horrible it really is.

    This series (books and the movies) is some of the worst written and acted and filmed drivel I’ve ever come across, while I didnt HATE Part 3 (mostly because of David Slades slick look) the rest has been pretty awful to the point that Syfy originals just feel better put together and anyone that knows my replies on those movies knows this is a huge statement from me ;)

    I’m glad I’m not being dragged to the theater because I DO NOT want to pay money for this, I will be renting it for my wife and will most likely finish the series because I just have to do that no matter how bad things are, it might be worth the dollar from Redbox, but thats all its worth, actually no it isnt worth that either :)

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