Each pushing 70 years of age, both Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone have new action movies in theaters this year. In this week’s Roundtable, we discuss other ridiculous examples of over-the-hill actors and actresses trying to relive past glory when they probably should just call it a day.
Any genre is fair game for this topic. We’re not limited to just action movies.
This one is easy, and I suspect that I won’t be the only person to drop the name Adam Sandler. What happened to this guy? I loved the early days of Sandler’s career: ‘Saturday Night Live’, ‘Billy Madison’, ‘Happy Gilmore’, etc. Why doesn’t he make more movies like that? Instead, he pumps out crap like ‘Jack and Jill‘ and ‘Grown Ups‘. I’m baffled at how far he can stretch the skidmarks of his career. And how did Judd Apatow coax Sandler into playing a straight realistic version of himself in ‘Funny People‘? That movie basically mocked his pathetic career, yet after it, he went right back to making more of the same junk. Rumors recently leaked that Marvel wants Sandler for a role in ‘Guardians of the Galaxy’. Here I was thinking that a talking raccoon with a rocket launcher would ruin Marvel Studios’ track record, but if Sandler gets cast, he will mark the new low. It’s time for Adam Sandler to take a bow. The fat Opera Man has been singing for a long time.
Anyone remember the last time Billy Crystal made a funny movie? Yeah, it was a head-scratcher for me as well. Turns out you have to go all the way back to 1999′s ‘Analyze This‘, and even then, a big chunk of that movie’s success was due to Robert De Niro. Billy had a nice run hosting the Oscars in the 1990s, but his recent return proved that whatever magic he used to have has long since disappeared. His latest film, ‘Parental Guidance’, seems like little more than an effort by Mr. Crystal to prove he’s still relevant, and/or to line his pockets for retirement. There was a time when Billy was the King of Comedy. Sadly, those days are long gone.
‘Righteous Kill’ is a 2-for-1 case of being too old for said shit. I never saw the movie, but when I saw the ads, and especially the posters for this 2008 crime thriller, I wondered why the graphic designer clearly hated Al Pacino and Robert De Niro. I mean, look at that poster!! Have you ever seen less flattering marketing materials for a major film featuring two A-list Hollywood stars? Then there’s the trailer, in which Al and Bobby look, well, very sleepy. The liveliest thing about that was the Rolling Stones’ “Sympathy for the Devil,” which did everything it could to give the preview a shot in the arm, but by the end only reminds you how old Pacino and Bobby seem, even for their ages. Then you think about Mick Jagger and realize how much livelier that crazed marionette of a rock star still is today, and he’s a month De Niro’s senior!
An actor’s age is not the only factor that makes reliving past glory a ridiculous exercise. Just ask Kurt Russell. I, like most people, including ‘Metal Gear Solid’ creator Hideo Kojima, have an affinity for ‘Escape from New York‘ and its badass anti-hero, Snake Plissken. Even so, the attempt to rekindle that old magic by Russell, Carpenter and co. resulted in the 1996 debacle ‘Escape from LA‘, a movie that I like to pretend was never made. Had the movie been made in 1986, a serious franchise might have been born, but by 1996, no amount of love by the principals for the property could save it.
M. Enois Duarte
I think Miley Cyrus is way past her prime. Weird as that may sound, especially since she’s only 20-years-old, the young pop singer has starred in three failed movies back to back. In her attempts to distance herself from her former Disney image, she has only succeeded in proving that she’s a horrible actress and that her name signals box office disaster. It’s amazing that at such a young age, I would recommend that she retire to save further embarrassment, like what occurred with ‘LOL‘. Her last movie, ‘So Undercover‘, was even changed at the last minute from theatrical release to direct-to-video, which shows that studios are also noticing how Cyrus’s career has taken a nosedive. She really needs to call it quits.
Other than Sharon Stone and her agent, who in the world clamored for a sequel to ‘Basic Instinct’ 14 goddamn years after the original? No one, that’s who. No one. Nevertheless, her career at an ebb, the one-time sex vixen attempted to revive her most famous role in ‘Basic Instinct 2: Risk Addition‘, an unneeded, unwanted, undeserved and nearly unwatchable follow-up to Paul Verhoeven’s trashy classic. To be fair, Stone was still a damn fine-looking lady at 48-years-old when the sequel was released, but too much time had passed and the character was long-since done. Frankly, watching the actress try to vamp it up as psycho-slut Catherine Tramell again is just a little sad.
What other movies have you seen that made you wish the actor or actress would just retire already? Tell us in the Comments.