When Disney and Lucasfilm announced last week that the title of J.J. Abrams’ upcoming ‘Star Wars’ sequel will be ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’ (with no ‘Episode VII’ in between, apparently), fans were divided in their feelings about it. As is usually the case, the haters were a little more vocal in expressing their opinions. For this week’s Roundtable, we offer up some alternate titles, and speculate about what the movie’s plot might be.
The Force Hits the Snooze Button, Goes Back to Bed
It is a dark time for the Rebellion.
Although GEORGE LUCAS has
been removed from Lucasfilm, angry
fanboys have driven him from
Skywalker Ranch and pursued him
across Marin County.
Evading the rabid fan base, a film crew,
led by J.J. ABRAMS, has
established a new filming base on
the remote island of England.
The evil DISNEY EMPIRE, obsessed
with re-establishing the franchise,
has promised dozens of movies and
thousands of tie-ins in the years
‘Star Wars: Cha-Ching!!!’
A long time ago in galaxy consisting of George Lucas’ ego, a decision was made to make a ‘Star Wars’ prequel trilogy full of things that only very young children could love, or at least tolerate. After years of millions of voices crying out, Lucas moved on, pleased to be crafting more important things, like movies about Crystal Skulls. Only then did it make sense to awaken the original cast of ‘Star Wars’ and hack them into a remake of ‘Cocoon’. (This is the good news, BTW.)
To be continued in ‘Star Wars: Episode VIII – The Schwartz Awakens’.
Adam Tyner (DVDTalk)
‘Star Wars: 2 Force 2 Furious’
Luke Skywalker is a fugitive. Oh, yeah! Let that sink in for a minute. After letting Vin Diesel get off scott-free at the end of ‘Episode VII’, every Jedi from here to Bespin is feverishly hunting Skywalker down. That’s okay; the former Jedi Knight has reinvented himself as an underground pod racer in Mos Eisley. With his new pals Tej (Ludacris) and Suki (Devon Aoki) pimping his ride… pssh, you don’t even wanna know how fast Skywalker’s new pod can do the Kessel Run.
Sometimes fast ain’t fast enough, though. Just as Skywalker cements his reputation as a force to be reckoned with in Mos Eisley, the Jedi catch up to him. While in custody, J.B.I. (Jedi Bureau of Investigation) Agent Porkins cuts the guy a deal. If Skywalker joins in on this mission to bring down Alderaanian Sith Lord Kart’r Verone (Cole Hauser), his criminal record will be wiped clean. Skywalker goes for it, with one demand: he gets to choose who’s riding shotgun. Skywalker’s not gonna ride this mission solo, but he’s gonna ride it with Han Solo, yknowwhatimsayin’?
Skywalker and Solo go undercover as pod racers for Kart’r Verone, dismantling the Sith Lord’s operation from the inside. Oh, they do their job all right, serving Verone’s operation up on a silver platter to the Jedi, but…wait! Verone’s skipped out on his SoroSuub Personal Luxury Yacht 3000, and he has the Jedi mole who’d previously infiltrated his group (Eva Mendes; no ‘Star Wars’-type name or anything, just Eva Mendes) with him! Verone knew all along that she was a Bothan spy, and someone’s gotta pay for his empire going up in flames.
Can Skywalker rescue his spicy new lover and bring down Verone for good? I have a bad feeling about this!
M. Enois Duarte
Is it just me or does the new title for the next installment sound incredibly corny and directed towards children? I’d like to suggest a name change for J.J. Abrams to consider. How about ‘Star Wars: Episode VIII – Disney Anxiety Commences’? Or perhaps this next one is bit more fitting: ‘Episode VII – Angry Fan Force Incited’. I don’t know. It’s just a thought.
Let me be honest here. I love J.J. Abrams but I couldn’t possibly care less about the ‘Star Wars’ franchise. Those movies had their day, but that day is passed. In fact, it was long gone when the prequel trilogy was made. If anything, Episodes I through III proved that. And while I’m at it, I believe that had ‘A New Hope’ been made today (by the way, when the hell was it given the subtitle ‘A New Hope’?), it would be passed over just like all the recent flop YA adaptations.
The only difference between ‘Star Wars’ and ‘Twilight’ is that die-hard geeks of all ages fuel the mediocre ‘Star Wars’ franchise – not just a bunch of screaming teenage girls. I didn’t grow up watching ‘Star Wars’ like most kids my age. I always found them slow and boring. I can’t say for sure, but I believe that it wasn’t until Lucas remastered them (for the first time) and re-released them on the big screen (for the first time) that I actually saw Episodes IV through VI from beginning to end. The series has never been my cup of tea. I don’t mean to come off as an elitist, but I prefer science fiction over space Westerns. Give me meat and quality over fluff and spectacle. ‘The Force Awakens’ might be fun, and it might even have some dazzling visuals. Without Lucas’ involvement, it’s sure to be worlds better than the prequel trilogy, but it’s still the seventh installment of a stale franchise. Because of that, I think a better title would be:
‘Star Wars: Episode VII – Beating a Dead Horse’
After a long and convoluted scrolling title card sequence, the movie opens with a giant cartoon mouse-shaped ship floating through space. As it moves along, the mouse’s white gloved-hands can be seen reaching out at the stars – but then we zoom in to see that they’re not stars. No, they’re pieces of beloved once-perfect franchises. After grabbing them, the mouse consumes them one-by-one. It grabs a handful of Marvel movies, then excretes a series of identical sequels over and over again. Then it grabs Indiana Jones, even swallowing down that awful ‘Crystal Skull’ garbage. Who knows what that will look like on the way out, but it will certainly stain the memory of the first three.
Enter the Millennium Falcon. Han Solo’s busted-up leg still hangs out the door. He’s only following the mouse for the paycheck and workman’s compensation. Luke Skywalker is there because he’s hungry and broke, in desperate need of the paycheck. Princess Leia is only there because she’s got nothing better to do.
The entire movie is dedicated to these three following the mouse and fooling a horde of geeky moviegoers into thinking that a large cast of new characters is just as great as those they grew up loving.
Something tells that me a more appropriate title would be ‘Star Wars: I Have a Bad Feeling About This…’ It’s not that I don’t have any faith in J.J. Abrams (if anyone can save the franchise, he can), but George Lucas has sent these movies so far off the rails with the horrible prequels that I’m not sure the franchise even can be saved at this point. Plus, it’s not like the original cast are spring chickens anymore. I’m having a hard time believing that the same kind of magic will be there. To paraphrase a certain golden droid, I’m saying the possibility of successfully making a brilliant film is approximately 3,720 to 1 against… but let’s hope I’m wrong.
Little-known fact: Before Disney ordered J.J. Abrams to change it, the working title for the next ‘Star Wars’ movie was ‘Star Wars into Darkness: Rise of the Dark Force’. No, that title doesn’t make any sense. And yes, it sounds an awful lot like Abrams just mashed together his last ‘Star Trek’ movie with any of a dozen other generically-titled fantasy properties. What did you expect? J.J. Abrams isn’t exactly known for coherency or originality.
Of course, given the director’s proclivities, the movie will be little more than a hodgepodge of scenes and plot points from earlier franchise entries regurgitated out of context to push the audience’s nostalgia buttons.
The plot: Decades after the events of ‘Return of the Jedi’, the Empire is back! Out of shape and out of practice, the aging Luke Skywalker journeys to Dagobah to get whipped back into shape in a musical training montage by Yoda’s never-before-seen identical twin brother Joda. He then has to dart across the galaxy, reliving past glories. He’ll battle more AT-ATs on Hoth! On Bespin, he’ll lose his other hand to the villain Darth Mutter, who reveals that he… no, wait, she… is really his mother Amidala Skywalker (recast for no apparent reason to Winona Ryder in old age makeup), who didn’t die in childbirth after all. Finally, he’ll blow up another Death Star, because ‘Star Wars’ fans will never get enough of that.
In addition to that, Abrams has become so obsessed with lens flares that no less than 30% of the movie consists of footage of himself standing in front of the camera, shining a flashlight into the lens, captured in glorious IMAX.
What would you title the next ‘Star Wars’ movie, and what would the plot be? Tell us in the Comments.