The second round of Movie Madness is almost over. We’re four matchups away from revealing our full Cinematic Sixteen. On Wednesday, John McClane and Hannibal Lecter made quick work of their apparently inferior opponents. For McClane, dealing with Germans was easy, so dispatching Col. Landa was a piece of cake. For Lecter, he had to deal with vigilante Paul Kersey, but Kersey’s street justice was no match for Lecter’s brand of I’ll-literally-eat-your-face-off justice. Today, we’ll finish up the second round in the DVD bracket by pitting Judge Doom against Maximus. Over in the HD DVD bracket, Harry Callahan takes on the Terminator.
Judge Doom used his toon-tastic talents to take out William Wallace in the first round. Maximus took down a gun-wielding, zombie-killing Tallahassee. Now these two meet in the second round. Each has his own specialized strengths and weaknesses. But Judge Doom is a toon. Can Maximus find a way to defeat him?
Judge Doom – We already covered that he’s got all the abilities of being a toon. He’s only vulnerable to the Dip, which he makes and owns. We saw first-hand that even a steamroller couldn’t take him down.
Tools of the Trade: Not only does he have the Dip (which really wouldn’t do all that much good against a gladiator from Roman times), but he has the ability to do just about anything. Whether that means turning his fists into mallets and anvils to crush his opponents, or surviving being crushed, Judge Doom can and will survive.
Maximus – He proved the gun versus swords theory wrong. Sure, he’s pretty popular, and maybe that’s how he got through to the next round, but just maybe Maximus hurled his sword at before Tallahassee could even get a shot off. We’ve seen Maximus’ sword hurling powers at work already, so why couldn’t he do it again?
Tools of the Trade: Sword hurling really isn’t going to work against a man who could turn himself into a rubber band and sling the sword back the other direction. No, Maximus is going to have to think up something really bizarre to beat Judge Doom. It’ll have to be so bizarre that I can’t even think of what it would entail. However, if he somehow got his hands on some Dip, it would be all over for Doom.
Judge Doom vs. Maximus
- Maximus (58%, 69 Votes)
- Judge Doom (43%, 51 Votes)
Total Voters: 120
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I’m half tempted to institute a rule just for this match. The person with the best one-liner wins. Dirty Harry has “Do you feel lucky? Well do ya, punk?” Terminator has the ever-memorable “I’ll be back.” Sadly, we can’t do a tournament of death based on best lines. This is a battle to the death. Who will come out victorious? That’s what we want to know.
Harry Callahan – The dude is as grizzled as they come. For Pete’s sake, he took out the king of Middle Earth in a relatively easy battle in the first round. Too bad Aragorn hadn’t kept that ghost army around for just such an occasion.
Tools of the Trade: His tastes are simple yet powerful. A .44 Magnum is what Dirty Harry uses to keep the peace. Oh, and something should be said about his scowl. That’s a weapon in its own right. That scowl could curdle milk.
The Terminator – Human skin on the outside, metal skeleton on the inside, and even deeper… Well, the Terminator even has a heart. Depending on which version he is. He can either be a badass killing machine of death and destruction, or he could be the most perfect bodyguard ever created.
Tools of the Trade: He can do anything and everything. He loves using a variety of firearms to create mayhem throughout the city as he chases his objective, or runs away from his pursuer. A computerized brain with automatic aiming capabilities helps tremendously in fights, but is it any match for Harry Callahan’s scowl?
Harry Callahan vs. The Terminator
- The Terminator (79%, 96 Votes)
- Harry Callahan (21%, 25 Votes)
Total Voters: 121
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Alex
I voted for Maximus in the first round and I really regret it now. I hadn’t even seen “Zombieland.” I have now, and I really wish I could vote for Tallahassee, because seeing a walking cartoon like Tallahassee go up against Judge Doom would have been priceless.
Alex
Oh, and while I’m still pretty sure that Clint Eastwood, even his in his older years, could kick both my and real-life Schwarzenegger’s a** without breaking a sweat or a squint, I had to give my vote to the Terminator.
RBBrittain
But even assuming Tallahassee were a Toon, would he even dare try to mix up Dip? It would kill him just as surely as Doom.
Aaron Peck
AuthorDoom and Maximus, very, very close.
RBBrittain
If it were a battle of sentiment, I’d go for Maximus (as the majority has so far). But remember the ingredients of Dip–turpentine, acetone & benzene? (Hint: It’s what cartoonists clean their brushes with.)
Though turpentine and crude forms of acetone (though not today’s acetone) were known to antiquity, benzene wasn’t isolated until the 19th century. If William Wallace (c. 1300) couldn’t cook up any Dip, neither can Maximus (c. 180 CE), despite all the resources of the Roman Empire (assuming Emperor Commodus, his mortal enemy, gave it to him–he might if it would make a good show in the Colosseum). Despite the sentiment, Doom *SHOULD* win.
If it’s any consolation, the winner of that match faces Voldemort, who has access to benzene in his time (railroads like the Hogwarts Express didn’t exist till the 1800’s either) *and* enough knowledge of the Dark Arts to whip up some Dip for his killing spell; he’d beat either one of them.
Dirty Harry vs. the Terminator? No contest; no amount of guns (or one-liners) can beat a killing robot from the future, good or bad. Hasta la vista, Harry; this punk made your LAST day. 😉
RBBrittain
Well, there might be ONE small way Maximus could win: If Doom brought his hot-Dip sprayer to the Colosseum, Maximus could kill him by opening the drain valve, just as Eddie Valiant did. But Maximus is live-action (and we don’t know what effect Dip would have on a CGI Colosseum or its spectators–CGI didn’t exist in Doom’s time), so Doom will likely leave his Dip at home; he doesn’t need it to beat Maximus.
Shannon Nutt
I don’t get it…Sarah Connor takes out The Terminator (and even the T-1000) and Dirty Harry can’t figure out a way to take him out? Puh-leeze!