In Wednesday’s March Movie Madness poll, Darth Vader easily bested John Rambo with his galactic badass-ness and his dark force tactics. Even with all his Earthly weapons knowledge, Rambo was just no match for Vader’s mastery of the darker aspects of The Force. The battle between Fox and Anton Chigurh was much closer. They went neck and neck, but Fox ended up pulling it out at the end by displaying supreme assassin skills. Today we’ll take a look at VHS Bracket to see if Han Solo’s intergalactic coolness is any match for The Bride’s Hanzo steel. From the DVD Bracket, we have a wonderful matchup for everyone to fight over: Zombie-killing Tallahassee goes toe-to-toe with the gladiator of gladiators, Maximus.
Han Solo represents all that is cool in the universe, but The Bride took on the entire Deadly Viper Assassination Squad and ended up getting her very bloody revenge. Will Solo’s blaster techniques and utter coolness be enough for him to overcome one of the baddest chicks we’ve ever seen in cinema?
Han Solo – He answers to no man. Without a care in the galaxy, Solo flies the Millennium Falcon from planet to planet, smuggling anything and everything with his first mate Chewbacca at his side. Armed with a blaster and sardonic wit, Solo helped Luke Skywalker and the Rebel Alliance fight against Darth Vader and the Galactic Empire.
Strengths: He’s just so cool. Is there a fictional character in the known universe that is as effortlessly awesome as Han Solo? I don’t think so. He’s also a master with his blaster. (No, that wasn’t supposed to be a masturbatory reference; you all have dirty, dirty minds.)
Weaknesses: Carbonite. If it weren’t for his helpful friends, he would have been sealed in that stuff forever.
The Bride – Left for dead by the gang of assassins she once counted as friends, The Bride was forced to seek revenge after she regained consciousness from her coma. The trail of dismembered bodies she left along the way is an awe-inspiring sight. Sorry Kobe, but there’s only one Black Mamba, and she could kick your ass.
Strengths: What isn’t she good at? She’s a master of weapons, both swords and guns. She’s a superior martial artist. She’s the only one in this tournament who’s dispatched 88 sword-wielding foes in one fell swoop. Oh, and she punched her way out of a coffin. Take that, Ryan Reynolds.
Weaknesses: Bullets to the head will weaken her, maybe even put her in a coma, but they won’t stop her completely. Shot gun blasts of rock salt to the stomach can also be used to immobilize her.
Han Solo vs. The Bride
- Han Solo (69%, 79 Votes)
- The Bride (31%, 35 Votes)
Total Voters: 114
Ancient Roman times collide with a modern day zombie apocalypse in our next match. Both men are driven by the fact that they lost their families at the hands of their mortal enemies. Fun-loving, free-wheeling, ass-kicking Tallahassee goes up against ever-so-serious Maximus in a duel to the death. Yes, Tallahassee has the advantage of guns, but Maximus can throw his sword really, really far.
Strengths: Inventiveness. Not only does he dispatch the undead with numerous guns and automatic weapons, but he also uses hedge trimmers and a banjo to get the job done. He enjoys what he does.
Weaknesses: He’s really a big softy inside. He tries to make up for this with his hardened exterior, but we all know that he’s easily persuaded to help those in need.
Maximus – Lost his son and wife to Rome’s tyrannical ruler. He was once a great general in the Roman army, but was suddenly sold into slavery. Not to be deterred, he worked his way up through the ranks of gladiators in order to get his bloody revenge.
Strengths: He’s a skilled and battle-tested warrior. He can plan and execute an attack with precision. Also, remember what I said: He can throw his sword really, really far.
Weaknesses: Wound infections. They can knock him out for days.
Tallahassee vs. Maximus
- Maximus (60%, 68 Votes)
- Tallahassee (40%, 45 Votes)
Total Voters: 113