2013 Golden Globes Not-So-Live-Blog

The past couple of years, I live-blogged the Golden Globes here in the blog. Unfortunately, while we had a lot of fun with that, I wasn’t able to do it again this year. I just have too much going on with my home remodel and moving right now. Also, I’ve been walloped by that flu that’s going around. I did watch the ceremony, however, and took notes while doing so. Here, then, are some of my slightly feverish, perhaps delusional stream-of-consciousness ramblings on the event.

Ricky Gervais is out. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are in as the new hosts. I approved of this. They’re both funny ladies, even if 30 Rock is past its prime. They both look great on stage. Amy Poehler’s showing a little cleavage. Newly single, I suppose she’s got to put herself back out there.

Bill Murray looks like a walrus.

I think Quentin Tarantino just tried to grope Sophia Vergara.

Nice dig at Ricky Gervais.

Amy Poehler just burned James Cameron. The whole room erupts in laughter.

Does Kristen Wiig have any clothes on at all?

Hey, let’s celebrate all the people who didn’t get nominated for Oscars!

Jodie Foster brought Mel Gibson as her date.

Is Anne Hathaway pregnant beneath that weird dress? She looks like she’s being slowly swallowed by an albino tube worm.

Jennifer Lawrence looking kind of dumpy.

Monologue is very funny.

Bradley Cooper and Kate Hudson, two actors I never need to see again in anything ever.

Best Supporting Actor in a Motion Picture goes to Christoph Waltz. No chance he’ll get the Oscar. Is he going to name every single person who he worked with on the film? Move on already.

Tommy Lee Jones looks about 150 years old, yet it still works for him.

Has Dennis Quaid’s show been canceled yet?

Supporting Actress in a TV Show – Maggie Smith, the one nominee who couldn’t be bothered to show up.

Mrs. Z finds Eva Longoria’s dress “vulgar.”

Michael J. Fox’s son looks like he could be his clone.

Miniseries or TV Movie – Game Change. When in doubt, give it to HBO. Danny Strong is about a foot shorter than everyone else on stage. Jay Roach looks like Michael Bay.

Best Actress in a Miniseries or TV Movie – Julianne Moore, big shock. Funny gag with fake nominee. The producers are actually playing her off with music. I didn’t realize that they did that at the Globes.

Catherine Zeta-Jones presents Les Miserables, and kind of embarrasses herself at it.

HFPA President has to make a speech. Time to tune out. She makes a couple jokes that aren’t particularly funny.

The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel gets a nomination. This is what happens when you make a separate Comedy category.

Best Actor, TV – Damian Lewis. Good choice. I forget that he’s British.

Best TV Series, Drama – Homeland. Kind of an upset for Downton Abbey.

Claire Danes had a baby a month ago. Absolutely no sign of it. Producer says she was 8 months pregnant while filming the season. What?!

Sound quality is terrible at the event this year.

The real CIA agent that Argo is based on presents the film. Funny, he doesn’t look anything like Ben Affleck.

J.Lo looks like she’s being swallowed by white moss. Is it awkward for her to step out on stage immediately after they talk about Affleck?

Best Original Score – The Life of Pi guy beats John Williams. Ironic that the winning composer gets played off by music.

Best Original Song – Adele for Skyfall. No surprise. She’s fun on stage. Mrs. Z says, “Now she looks like somebody who just had a baby a month ago!”

Act of Valor has a nomination, seriously? Never even heard of Stand-Up Guys. What is that?

Jessica Alba’s cleavage is exceedingly bronzed.

Best Actor in a TV Movie or Miniseries – Kevin Costner for Hatfields & McCoys. Huh. His story is lulling me to sleep.

I like these fake nominations for Dog President.

Bill Clinton, WTF? I believe Lena Dunham actually did just say “WTF?” Ah, he’s there to present Lincoln. That makes sense. Still surprising.

Clips from the movie still look boring as hell, sorry. I think Tommy Lee Jones fell asleep, and he was in the damn thing!

“That was Hillary Clinton’s husband!” Nice.

Seriously, did Kristen Wiig forget to get dressed before showing up? Her and Will Ferrell’s schtick is kind of funny but is dragging on a bit much. Tommy Lee Jones is not remotely amused.

Best Actress, Comedy/Musical – Jennifer Lawrence. Content yourself with this one, Jen, because the Oscar’s going to Hathaway.

Kristen Bell is very pregnant, and looks like she’s wearing a tent.

Best Supporting Actor, TV – Ed Harris. Didn’t bother to show up.

Jonah Hill’s fat again. Guess fad diets aren’t a good idea after all. Who’da thunk it?

Best Supporting Actress, Drama – Anne Hathaway. How is she in the Drama category at all, and not Comedy/Musical? The last I checked, Les Miserables was a musical.

Aww, classy shout-out to Sally Field.

Best Screenplay – Tarantino. Surprising.

Jeremy Irons almost makes Salmon Fishing in the Yemen sound like an interesting movie. Almost.

Best Actor, TV Comedy/Musical – Don Cheadle, House of Lies. Don’t get Showtime, never seen it.

Stallone and Schwarzenegger present Best Foreign Film. Weird.

Best Foreign Language Film – Amour. Guess that’s a lock for the same award at the Oscars.

Poor Nathan Fillion has to share the stage with gross Leah Michelle.

Best Actress, TV Drama – Claire Danes, unsurprisingly. She seems like she may actually be manic depressive.

Is Damages still on? That basically vanished when it got shifted off to DirecTV.

It’s currently 9:30, and it feels like most of the major awards have already been given out. Is this thing really scheduled until 11:00? Why can’t the Oscars ever move this briskly? The people at AMPAS really need to start paying attention to the Globes to see how a telecast should work.

Sacha Baron Cohen just dissed Russell Crowe big time. Whoa.

Best Animated Feature – Brave beats Wreck-It Ralph. Very shocking. Even the winning director doesn’t believe it. Nice of him to thank Brenda Chapman, who got fired halfway though production.

The other competition in this category is seriously lame. Hotel Transylvania and Rise of the Guardians, really?

Liev Schreiber makes Life of Pi sound like the dumbest movie ever. Probably not his intention.

Best Actress, TV Comedy/Musical – Lena Dunham. No offense, but Julia Louis-Dreyfus wuz robbed.

Dunham is hobbling in heels. Hilarious. She’s shaking life a leaf on stage.

Robert Downey, Jr., “an actor so versatile that he’s played Iron Man in three different movies.”

RDJ presents Jodie Foster’s lifetime achievement award. I thought that’s what Mel Gibson was there for? Very funny intro.

This clip tribute showcases some of her crappiest movies. Fightplan and Nell, really?

Fun speech from Foster.

So, I guess this means that she’s officially out. I mean, everyone in the world has known for decades, but she’s never publicly talked about it.

Shit just got deep, y’all.

Wait, is she retiring, or not retiring, or going into politics, or what? I’m confused.

Is one of Halle Berry’s breasts larger than the other? Like, way larger? I’ve seen them in Swordfish. I don’t remember that.

Best Director – Ben Affleck. He looks dumbfounded. Guess the Globes don’t give a crap about being a predictor for the Oscars anymore.

Wait, it’s 10:18 and this thing is almost over?

Josh Brolin presents Moonrise Kingdom. Not nominated for an Oscar.

Jay Leno and Jimmy Fallon. One of these men is funny. The other is Jay Leno.

Best Comedy or Musical, TV – Girls, Girls, Girls…

Dunham thanks Chad Lowe. Too funny.

Christian Bale hasn’t showered in a month.

Best Actor, Comedy/Musical – Hugh Jackman, Les Miserables. So, in this category, it’s a musical, but when Anne Hathaway won, it was a drama. Yeah, that makes sense.

Best Comedy/Musical – Les Mis. Whatever.

Middle-aged George Clooney really does make young George Clooney look like garbage.

Best Actress, Drama – Jessica Chastain. Mrs. Z says, “That dress is not working.”

Best Actor, Drama – DDL, Lincoln. No shock there.

Hey, it’s Julia Roberts.

Here we go: Best Picture, Drama – Argo. Enjoy this moment, B.Aff. It’s your last of awards season this year.

And look at that, it’s 11:00 and the credits are coming up. This is how you run an awards ceremony, people.

3 comments

  1. Ian Whitcombe

    I think Josh somehow got it in his head that Jessica Chastain and Jennifer Lawrence wouldn’t be competing at the Academy Awards, and that Lawrence’s was a supporting turn.

    For the record, the acting awards for films at the Golden Globes are as follows:

    Best Actor (Drama
    Best Actor (Comedy/Musical)
    Best Actress (Drama)
    Best Actress (Comedy/Musical)
    Best Sup. Actor
    Best Sup. Actress

    The supporting categories are all-inclusive.

    • Josh Zyber
      Author

      Yeah, I had gotten my supporting/lead actresses mixed up. I told you I was slightly feverish!

      Jessica Chastain is winning Best Actress at the Oscars. Anne Hathaway for Supporting Actress.

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